social failure

Hi,

I posted in the new members section a month ago- and it was a relief. But I thought I had felt better- and I am not. I don't think I've really changed just postponed my depressive behavior.

I'm a high functioning individual in medical school- but this means little. The stress is a lot and is very unbearable for me. But what makes it worse is how socially awkward and weird I am.

I have an incredibly difficult time making friends. I think its fair to say that I have zero friends. I mean that. I had a really good friend for a very long time- but now we are not anymore. I think because I am a burden to him. Another friend has children and a wife and doesn't have time for me- so I can't really talk to anyone.

I recently moved to a new location to be closer to the friend who now has ditched me. It was slow coming but my realization was only recent- and when it hit me it was depressing.

To make matters worse- I am awful in the relationship department. I am 27 years old and have NEVER been in a relationship. I am certain that women just are not interested in me. Everyone says I am attractive and I think I must be because I joined a dating site called OkC and a lot of women have been messaging me - just not anyone I'm interested in. I did meet a girl who I was interested in and we met- but I'm certain its the last time. This was just this friday- so all of these things happening to me have sort of hurt me pretty badly.

But what really hurts is that this long time friend basically ditched me. I moved out here to be closer to him but its expensive, requires a lot of driving to my rotations and is not ideal. I was convinced by him that doing this was a good idea because we would hang out. Now he wont even consider spending time together.

I just feel so hurt over the fact that people don't appreciate me. I know I am an attractive guy but I am very short- 5'6. I'm also incredibly awkward and shy (the girl told me I was shy)- the last date I was on was about 3 years ago.

Its been really difficult for me to appreciate myself because no one else does. I know that confidence is key and that I shouldn't care about what others say- but I don't know how to manage my emotions, be confident around people, and study for school.

I feel incredibly worthless. I don't know what I can do

People have mentioned therapy and meeting a psychologist- there are none available in my area. I cannot afford to go because of cost.

have you ever tried self help? you could try a hand at CBT for depression books.. maybe it'll help and maybe some assertiveness modules..?

you're not worthless. the fact that you're in med school (something i'm hoping to achieve) is already something great!

sending huge hugs your way!

How strange that you should be in one of the most protective and caring occupations
(medical training) and yet feel that you are worthless. Doesn't that say something to
you about your misconception of who you are? And of what you are going to be able
to give to society as a medical physician? You obviously care for people.

Because you feel that you can't afford a therapist to help restore a postive self-image, I would suggest that you go to the library and look up some books on positive thinking
and how to remove negativity from the mind. It's the negativity, frankly, that is
imposing on an otherwise excellent mind, and you need to learn how to dispel that.

Negativity is a loading for depression, doesn't accomplish much, and leaves us feeling depleted
after it has taken its toll of feeling tone for the day.

Read about how foods affect emotions, too.

I'd get started on that, honestly, because it can make a world of difference for you in
your life. As a doctor, you'll need that positive view when dealing with patients.

Life is going to teach you that, so get a head start and find out how to get rid of the
self-view that is negative.

Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. You are working toward a wonderful career and should be so proud of yourself.
I think it was a good thing to try the online dating thing. I have several friends who found someone that way. Just be totally honest or you'll be afraid to meet them.
Perhaps as you become more confident in your profession it will also help in your social life. I'm really sorry you moved to a small place just to be with someone and then have it go down the way it did. So unfair.
I hope you feel better soon.

Hi! Depression is a protective reaction to any of the things that a man does not want to accept. Sometimes it is enough to accept yourself for who you are, with your shortcomings, complexes, depression. You are unique, together with all your problems. Love yourself. If you love yourself, everyone will love you. Depression is unnecessary suffering, which feed your energy, leaving you nothing in return. Go out, breathe fresh air, look how much beauty around you! The world is beautiful and wonderful you are! You're a very nice person to me, although I do not know you. I'm sure a lot of people dream to communicate with you, know it!

Hi Sojpal123,
Thanks a lot for sharing your experience here. I am sorry you feel bad right now and I hope you feel better soon. I wish you were not in Medical School, or that you could take a sabbatical year, could you? I do not know why, but I feel you need to explore. But explore, explore, explore deeply, go to some place else where nobody knows you or had expectations about you, where you can liberate yourself, stay some time there, maybe a year. I wish you had that opportunity for yourself, to discover yourself, discover other kind of people and cultures. maybe this is just craziness and you should not pay attention to what I am telling you. Anyway, I wish you the best!

Hi Sojpal,
Sorry to hear that but i'm in the same boat as you are and just remember you are not alone. My parents were divorced when i was 7, lost my mother at the age of 14, and dad wasn't never there for me. ever since then life hasn't been the same for me. i tried hard to hide my pain and suffering from friends and families by pretending everything was great but i was slowly dying inside by the day. anyways, school was the only thing kept me from killing myself, and kinda gave me hope for life. then after completing my 2 yours of medical school overseas, i studied day and night for 6 month. then another disappointment happened to my life, i failed the step 1 and please keep in mind that i did well in school, which crushed me to the ground and went on depressed mood for a couple of years. literally stop working, studying or associating with friends. Now i left with a huge amount of debt, single, No friends at all.the main reason is that i dont even have a single friends because i was afraid to be judged by them. I felt that i let everyone down around me especially my deceased loving mother. so i have extreme low self steam, low self confident, and hatred to my self even though i was told that i was a good looking guy. just to give you an idea what i look like, i'm 6'1" 185 lbs athletic. the bottom line is that its not how tall, big, or fast you are to others but you need to start loving yourself first before you start dating or loving anyone else. and remember there is always someone better, faster, stronger or smart than you are and there is others below you like MYSELF, I wished everyday that i was on your position doing rotation. i just started getting ready for step again after 3 years of depressed mood. so stay strong and keep up with a good work. lets focus finishing up you MD then everything will fall in place.. literally everything,,, wife, kids, house, money etc.. if you like to talk more, PM me at anytime..
GOD bless