[AL12]

I decided to write this down as I haven't done so before and feeling extra low today.

I made a realization today that I am checked out on life. Nothing seems to give me enjoyment and I don’t know where to look to find it. It has probably been a long time coming as I’ve always seeking happiness that was never fully in my midst. But it has been the past couple years or so where I fell as though I’ve really stopped caring.

At work, I just try to keep busy and look at the clock while trying to distract myself by playing a documentary or tv show in the background(usually something really dark, maybe because it reflects my mood). The only people I socialize with and sort of enjoy talking to would be a couple married coworkers. Afterwords I just go straight home, be alone and eat and then maybe drink. The drinking has gotten worse over time as it has been an easy way to feel better being alone to the point where I am probably considered some sort of alcoholic.

My job is considered to be a cool job(in many ways it is), which has maybe helped to mask my discontentment with my worklife all these years. I am concerned that if I leave my current job, I wouldnt want to find another one stay the same all over again. It is a specific skilled job I do so it is not easy to branch out.

The place where I live is not ideal, neither is my car, clothes, now weight... It seems like I’ve neglected things around me long enough where everything now sucks. It’s overwhelming to think about and I just feel detached. I seem to feel very complacent and lack motivation to make those things better. I’ve never been good at making friends, so I don’t have any close ones. Plus it is getting harder to put effort into making them and maintaining them. I like the idea or having a close circle of friends, and I am jealous of others who do, but I don’t really come across ppl I feel I can relate to and who wants to be friends with me. So when I go to social events to meet but have no feelings about seeing them again, as I am too use to my alone time now. I am single, female, in my early thirties and so I have some anxiety about staying alone and not having kids.

I’m not sure if I just have depression, or I’m depressed about my lack of a social life and such. I have tried medications in the past, some have helped me feel better, but my brain has adapted to all of them and so they eventually stopped having any effect. The advice I got from psychologists have been A. go out to socialize more or B. medicate. I try both and this is where I’m at. Advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Rohag]

Hello, AL12!

The chicken-or-egg question aside, your symptoms point at depression. Have you considered attending a self-help circle such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance?

[kaliope]

Hi and welcome to Psych Central. It does sound like you are depressed. Do you have a therapist to help you sort things out. I know the right antidepressant and therapy sure turned my world around. I still every now and then get a general apathy toward life so i ascribe to the 'do good to feel good' philosophy. i buy clothes that make me feel good, i watch tv shows or movies that make me laugh, socialize only with people who are positive, complement myself for a job well done because i cant expect anybody else to. just little things that make me smile and i live from smile to smile. anyway, keep posting. you will find a lot of support here.

[bharani1008]

Yep. Sounds like depression to me.
I think you need to see a specialist again. Our bodies are changing all the time and new treatments are being discovered all the time as well so there is still a lot to be hopeful about. Depression is such a sneaky disease and when you are in the throes of it everything becomes complicated and huge. You feel powerless and overwhelmed. Self loathing and shame are what comes naturally. For me medication helped me to manage my depression and all the things I thought were so complicated became simpler when I could think more clearly. I'd definitely try again.
Hang on to your job. They are precious these days.
Post here and join a great community.
We're all in the same boat.
Good luck

[AL12]

thats for all the comments and advice. since my post, i started taking meds, but suffered a bad reaction. not sure about meds for now. Rohag- I'll check out that group, thanks!