[unfuntionablytired]

Without attending highschool, there are truly zero options for a kid to meet a kid anywhere other than these gang infested streets , and thats clearly not an option. 25 hours of seclusion at an age like mine is just not fabulous either. I more than often find myself looking at my father to blame, for multiple reasons, and its wrong.At the same time, my dad recognizing my mothers absence, attempts to maintain the image of an open door for talking. But when i do talk he clicks on the t.v and tells me im stressing him out, so.... Its hard to see where he wants me to turn. Let me put it like this. I am lucky to attend a school where i only go twice a week at whatever time i want, that is the dream of a million teenagers, but it wasnt exactly my choice. When i was in public school, I would get the most intense craziest wildest anxiety ever. Debilitating kind. Id wind up texting my dad halfway through the day or going to the nurse because it was too much to bear. Sooner or later my dad got fed up and moved me to the same school as my brother which is where i go today. I see why he did that, but it seems like we just avoided the problem and chopped out the only possibility of myself ever getting repaired. Thats a little why i blame him, although i shouldnt. He works so infinitely hard to put food on the table and his time is valuable. So heres what happened today, and everytime i take advantage of using my father as a talking guy and slight emotional punching bag because apparently i am a little blamey when i indulge on the emptiness of my day:

I sit next to my dad, and start playfully slapping his arm, and whine very quietly about my caving."im bored i do nothing all day, im worn out man. im getting tired yada yada" He continues watching t.v until he gets annoyed and says, THERE IS NOT A PLACE OTHER THAN PUBLIC SCHOOL WHERE TEENAGERS JUST MEET OKAY? YOU WENT TO SCHOOL AND NOW YOU DONT, I WARNED YOU BUT HERE YOU ARE. WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I FIGURED THINGS OUT AND OCCUPIED MYSELF. I MADE FRIENDS. I BOUGHT YOU BRACES. Well yeah dad, you went to public school, you had no anxiety and related with your friends. do you want your braces back? and i occupied myself, i learned guitar alone in my room without a teacher. Then he got quiet and said, i dont go to school because of my absences, which is true- therefore i am a victim of myself and my anxiety.
This makes me choke up, because his approach assigns blame for things i cnt control. Its not my fault i get anxiety. Even when my mind is settled , physical symptoms set in. I didnt want to leave schools , i just wanted help to handle myself. I cant manufacture normality and cant afford "help" on that. Its not just the financial aspect, theres just too much going on with my brothers being incarcerated and court and everything . I guess its just because my dad provides for me, i expect him to provide a solution for friends or something as well, but thats wrong of me to do. But its also wrong of him to make me feel like a weird kid for not being able to handle myself, and telling me i can always talk to him when he clearly doesnt want to listen. He could save me the tears by just saying, figure it out. Not bumping and prioritizing his problems as if theyre objects with painfully brutal honesty just to cut to the chase. Before my brothers were arrested, i was only a few months out of the psychiatric hospital for some stupid suicide related thing. I was still adjusting and repairing and then BAM my issues are dropped for something else, which i understand. This is way hard on my dad because hes alone and is being forced to juggle so much crap, but i dont know where that leaves me. waste in this room until im 18? I mean, i cant just sit here and rot until he finds the time to play with me for two hours on the weekend and its over, back to my room. I cant go back to school because his work schedule and my hyperactive brain. Theres no where to turn and im left feeling stupid for having spoken in the first place because this simply isnt my dads problem and its nothing a therapist or medications can fix. I am literally broken. What in the hell do i do... Going back to school after ALLLL these switches, is really not an option either. im stuck as ****. heh that rhymed. but really i feel like poo. He can only stretch so far and his availability as the therapist whos position he feels he could fill is very conditional. Im just so done. I dont want advice just to feel like im talking . I wish this had a purpose. What do i do next other than cry and whine about it.. nothing. Im a drag, and an uninteresting one with a gaping hole in the stomach. The worst part is... im chained up this weekend with that stupid family reunion i hope i dont live to see. I cant even begin to think of how awful the car ride its self is going to feel. And packing my stuff. And grocery shopping for it. I really cant. how selfish of me right? The real real worst part, is i cant tell if im just thinking through the hormonal limitations of a teenager and im just a victim of young perception. If i were ten years older would i be thinking different? I want to know if im just in that teen boppy stage of thinking im smart and capable of being in control of my own life , so i want to break away from family, even though i recognize thats not true. But then again i know its the internal dysfunction and the way it looks from the outside thats turning me off from the reunion, i cant. it will be awful. Where, do, i , fit. i feel like the puzzle piece that broke the vacuum. All i want is an escape man.. nothing else. Is that too much? Am i too young for that? must i be contained even now? its a pain. Im victimizing myself with my brain and looking everywhere for anyone to blame but myself. I need to blame myself though because no one else told me to be depressed or have anxiety. just get over it get over it and go to sleep kid. you have school. ugggghgdhhhhhg my heart hurts and i just dont know. this whole page probably makes zero sense. i hope it does, make zero sense i mean. i wanna puke too.

Okay, I will give this a shot... but remember - my advise is worth exactly what you paid for it.....

My background. I also have severe depression, BPD, anxiety, considered highly suicidal. I am seeing THREE shrinks - so I guess I am pretty messed up. BUT I am responding to this more as a father than anything else....

A few things (and the order has no implied significance)...
- You say your dad "never had anxiety" when he went to school. I think that is both unfair of you and pretty presumptuous of you. side note: please do NOT take this as me bashing you or trying to make you feel worse. I just want you to consider this....

- You and I know that everyone has good days and bad days. You also know that for "normals" (as I call people without depression) it has to be pretty hard dealing with us sometimes. I can not speak for you - but some days I simply feel like I am a whiner. Or like they are thinking - 'if you are gonna kill yourself DO IT ALREADY'.......
So you were goofing around with dad and he kinda barked at you. Maybe, just *maybe* he was frustrated and lashed out but didn't really mean it. Maybe he loves you so much that it literally hurts him to see you suffering... or maybe sees you not accomplishing all the things in life that he wants you to have.

Do not misunderstand me. I get your depression. And maybe your dad is an ***... I do not know. BUT - maybe he simply barked and did not mean it. TRY to be patient with him, just like he is patient with you.

I was gonna say more.... but my brain is crap today (deep into my depression right now and can not think)...

Does my point seem reasonable?

[gayleggg]

Hi, retardgirl. Sounds like you and your father both have a lot going on. Social anxiety can make life very difficult, especially if you have to attend an event like a family reunion. If I understand you correctly, you would like to get out and meet friends but have too much anxiety when you leave the house. That is a catch 22 situation. You know you need help from a professional but it's not possible at this time. Your dad sounds like he is probably depressed, too and unable to help you.

Do you have the ability to do some volunteer work? That would get you out of the house and you would feel better about yourself. Plus maybe you could make some new friends. You could also work on breathing exercises to help with the anxiety. Talkin to people on PC should help your loneliness, too.

Good luck,

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Okay, I will give this a shot... but remember - my advise is worth exactly what you paid for it.....

My background. I also have severe depression, BPD, anxiety, considered highly suicidal. I am seeing THREE shrinks - so I guess I am pretty messed up. BUT I am responding to this more as a father than anything else....

A few things (and the order has no implied significance)...
- You say your dad "never had anxiety" when he went to school. I think that is both unfair of you and pretty presumptuous of you. side note: please do NOT take this as me bashing you or trying to make you feel worse. I just want you to consider this....

- You and I know that everyone has good days and bad days. You also know that for "normals" (as I call people without depression) it has to be pretty hard dealing with us sometimes. I can not speak for you - but some days I simply feel like I am a whiner. Or like they are thinking - 'if you are gonna kill yourself DO IT ALREADY'.......
So you were goofing around with dad and he kinda barked at you. Maybe, just *maybe* he was frustrated and lashed out but didn't really mean it. Maybe he loves you so much that it literally hurts him to see you suffering... or maybe sees you not accomplishing all the things in life that he wants you to have.

Do not misunderstand me. I get your depression. And maybe your dad is an ***... I do not know. BUT - maybe he simply barked and did not mean it. TRY to be patient with him, just like he is patient with you.

I was gonna say more.... but my brain is crap today (deep into my depression right now and can not think)...

Does my point seem reasonable?

Your point is reasonable really. And i dont think my dad is an *** or anything , i just wish i knew his expectations so we could reason. But yeah, he barkes and nothing more. im just an occasionally sensitive draggy kid i guess. But all you said was right.