[mizcandula]

I'm going to try and not make this too long, but I can't promise anything.

Some background: I grew up with a over protective cop father who was usually at work when I was home. My mother flipped after my grandmother died and started using alcohol and pills to cope. I was 9 when it began. I remember doing my homework in bars and just trying to find something to keep me busy while my mother drank. At 11, she separated from my dad to move us in with a 60 yr old vet who had a ton of money. For 6 months, my free time was spent in a bar.

My parents eventually got back together, but nothing changed except she would randomly go to the bar without me and leave me to walk the streets until she came home 15 min before my father did. I was always told NEVER tell your father anything because he is volatile, which he was. After two failed stints in rehab, my dad had enough and they divorced. I also have a half brother (same father), but during this time he was in a street gang and not really around except when he came home to sleep.

My father remarried a woman who had 3 children of her own. My father constantly attacked her kids for any little thing they would do and so my step-mom would come after me. I literally walked on egg shells trying not to piss her off so my dad didn't come after me. One time I spoke back to her and called her a liar (because she was lying about something I did), my father slapped me and told me to pack my **** and leave. He ended up "forgiving me" and so I remained. My brother had gotten out of his gang and got a great job and, by the time I was 20, got me a job with him. I remember spending 12 hours a day at my job because I didn't want to go home.

My mother was still drinking through this time and would randomly call me drunk and set me off. She started a relationship with a woman, which didnt bother me. he thing that did was that she didn't like women, she was just using her for money and a place to stay. This woman was also an alcoholic and abusive. She put my mother in the hospital at least twice. I would get calls from my mother with her yelling in the background or after she beat her up.. ridiculous ****.

If you've read this far, I appreciate it.

When I was 21, I met a man online through a friend and began speaking with him on the phone for 2 years. I finally took the leap and met him and we knew we needed to be together. Problem was, he lived in another state and couldn't move. I, on the other hand, was more than ready to get out of my environment. After a year of visiting back and forth, I moved. A month later, on Christmas, my step-mom had an aneurysm and became brain dead. My father took her off life support 2 days later.

For the 4 years following, I spent more time getting my father's life back together than living my own. I pretty much got rid of all her stuff for him, helped him sell his house, found him an apt and painted and moved. My brother barely helped throughout all this except to give my father money for bills, which is of course also important.

Fast forward to today. I married the man from online last year. I've kept the same job I had, except they allow me to work from home since I am no longer in the same state. Problem with that is I am constantly reminded that I am not in the office. I'm also reminded that I could go work for my brother's company if I were in my hometown. My father calls me 4 - 5 times a day with every miniscule problem he has. I haven't spoken to my mother in 2 years now. My brother, who I love, is too into himself to have a heart to heart with, except when he wants to discuss my weight, another life long problem. I love my husband, but he just doesn't get my depression. He is mister positivity, which I love him for, but it just doesn't help for some reason. Plus, he goes to work and I'm here at home. I'm ALWAYS here. And I'm lonely, I don't have any friends here. I wouldn't even know where to start.

I'll touch on the weight briefly. I've always been the fat girl with the pretty face. All I see in the mirror is pure unadulterated disgust. I have been trying to eat better, which is going well. My problem is I can't muster up the energy to exercise. I have a million and one excuses - I have a thyroid problem (Hashimotos disease), I'm feeling ******, I'll do it tomorrow, I just... Can't.

I guess I'm here partly to vent and partly for advice. I'm 32, no kids, just dogs. I see so many people with kids and part of me wants that and pat of me doesn't. The part of that doesn't is because I know I don't have my life together so why would I do that to a child.

I just have been feeling so detached from life lately. I should also mention that I've been smoking pot nightly for the past year, thinking it was helping me chill out. I'm starting to think it could be the cause of some of the feelings I've been dealing with lately. I can't concentrate for anything, I feel dead inside, and, if I were to die today, I would welcome it. I am not suicidal, I am just tired of being alive. And the thing that gets me is I know my life is not that bad. I have a husband who loves me, a job and a home. I should be content, but I am anything but.

Sorry for the long post, I know I wouldn't have the attention span to read it all myself. I guess I'll just looking for people who feel or have felt similar and how you handle it. And, just as an FYI, I'm on Cymbalta and have Klonopin for those extra special anxiety days, like today.

Thank you for sticking it out.

[ReddSN]

I wish I had advice, but I can offer you sympathy. I often feel very similar. I know I have some good things in my life, I'm not starving, I have decent health, I have great kids. But yet, I'm just not content. As you say, I'm tired.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Mizcandula! Wow. I'm not surprised you're here. Please post as much as you like, as you need.

Sometime when you feel up to it, tell us about your dogs. (There's a Pets Forum.)

[kaliope]

Hi and welcome to PC. you will find a lot of support here. You have lots of reasons to be unhappy with life and lots of reasons to be happy. You have done much to change your circumstances. Maybe you are not on the right antidepressant. I know it took finding the right one for me. wellbutrin changed my world after trying several others that didn't do anything for me. I also focused on good things about me. when ever I thought something negative, I would say "yeah but, im.....insert a positive thought to counteract the negative thought that I had had. it started with just one positive thing and soon I had a whole list of positive things to say about myself. I too am a fat pretty girl who cant exercise. I feel no man would ever want me but I am happy being alone. I enjoy my freedom. youre not alone here. keep posting.

[Blegh.]

the sun'll come out tomorrow
so you got to hang on to tomorrow
come what may