[vonapathy]

long, LONG time lurker, 2nd time poster (I think)

I don't want to go into the history and breadth of my depression; suffice to say I am well acquainted with it. History of self injury with recurrent urges, history of suicide attempts (thankfully no urges yet), 1 hospitalization, on/off eating disorder, countless therapist/psychiatrists as well as a few trips around the pharmaceutical merry-go-round. I am currently receiving no treatment, and on no medication.

28 years old, female, employed full time, happily married, happy childhood with loving parents.

Now to the heart of the matter; this past month has proven to be exceptionally stressful for me. My father is in the final stages of his cancer battle. He is refusing all treatment and wishes to pass away at home in his sleep. He is rapidly wasting away, but since he refuses to see his doctor, we're not sure how long he has left, but we're pretty sure he's not going to make it to my birthday (mid August). About a week or two after discovering the extent of the cancer (and my father's final wishes), my grandmother had a stroke, lost her leg to amputation, and passed away in the hospital from an infection. All of this happened during a mandatory 2 week 'high work volume' period at work, wherein I can't take time off (automatically job dismissal if I do) because we are literally that busy. Preceding the 'high work volume' period I was commissioned by a client to do a special marketing initiative, however the client was unreasonable, I was/am new to the position, so ultimately the marketing initiative was a disaster.

and yet! Amidst all of that I also discovered I was pregnant (first child), but it was a chemical pregnancy so I lost it to miscarriage. I think I'm indifferent to the pregnancy; it was an 'oops!' baby so I wasn't exactly thrilled, but a small tiny part of me was excited. Ultimately I know the MC was for the best, since my husband and I are in no position (financially) to raise a child.

So here I am today; my father is still ailing, but work has slowed down and things with my grandmother are squared away (went to the out of state funeral, service was nice, got to see family-it was a good trip). 2/3 of my worries have resolved themselves, but I'm still so...depressed. I know stress can trigger a depression 'relapse', I know the prudent thing would be to seek out treatment, but I still feel like... I just can't do it.

I feel like a fraud. a weakling. 'other people have it worse', so why am I so bent out of shape about all of this? Its a life long refrain, and I still haven't found a means of shutting it down. If anyone else told me a story similar to mine, I'd think 'damn son, how do you still have it together? you deserve all the sympathy and hugs'.

But I don't allow myself that compassion. instead I berate myself for being weak and needy. I chastise myself for 'manipulating other people's emotions' [because in my eff'd up head, receiving a sympathy hug for grief = emotional manipulation]. I get viscerally angry at myself for not sucking it up, so angry that I want to punish myself physically. Every morning I wake up and cry, and I hate myself for that.

Its not that I feel like I have to put up an image of strength (although there is a little bit of that mixed in), its that I feel like I'm so wretched, so bad, wrong, evil, stupid, worthless, an affront to god himself, that I don't deserve any kindness. What crime have I committed to feel this way? the crime of existing apparently.

I know this is depression talking. I know this is a fabrication, a fraudulent tape playing in my head. I know that Wellbutrin and a couple rounds of CBT will pull my out of this. I know all of these things... and yet I still feel like...*sigh* it doesn't even matter since my feelings contradict reality.

So why don't I suck it up and receive treatment? My husband (and to a lesser extent, money). As wonderful as my husband is, he is severely distrustful of the psych community. A bit of back story, my husband's father had schizophrenia. However it wasn't diagnosed until his father was in his 40's, so my FIL had a good 20-ish years to cement his, well, unreality based thinking. Couple that with alcoholism, vagrancy, and family drama, and it wasn't a pretty picture. Finally my FIL got some treatment but it was fairly poor. The meds he was placed on turned him into an overweight drooling zombie who only had a few moments of lucidity. One day his father went off the meds (which was a fairly common occurrence since he hated the side effects) and the unreality based thinking quickly returned. Except instead of just wandering away for weeks at a time, my FIL castrated himself, and the bled out in the bathroom.

Suffice to say, my husband came away from all of that blaming the psych community for his father's (horrific) death. In addition, my husband was fairly traumatized when I was placed on an 2 week 5150 hold for self injury. I don't blame him for holding these prejudices, but I feel like.. his extreme distrust of the psych community is adding fuel to my "I don't deserve help" fire.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm not about to untangle my husband's feelings towards the psych community, but his prejudice is playing a part in my reluctance to seek treatment. I know I'm hurtling down the path to an epic breakdown and SI relapse, and the only thing holding me back is my promise to my husband (and honestly, my inability to hide the evidence). I've tried broaching the topic with my husband, but I can see the terror in his eyes if I even hint at feeling anything more than 'sad'.

I've tried the alternatives or already employ them in my daily life; yoga, regular exercise, 8 hours of sleep, meditation/prayer, healthy eating, surrounding myself with friends/positive people, st john's wort, vitamins, etc. I don't think i'll be seeking out psych related treatment any time soon... so what else can I do?

Is there anything I can do? I just need something, because this hill is long, its steep, and I know what's at the bottom.

[Quebec01]

I just read your post which dates from 2011. We are now in July 2013. I have had several épisodes of depression and a fair deal of traumatizing events in my life. You have gone through so much. Maybe you should just read over what you wrote. Your depression did not just bloom out of a tree. What your body and brain were telling you is "System overload". I can't give you any advice as to how to manage all this or what changes to make because this is too personal. I just hope that you got this all figured out by now. Dépressions can teach good lessons as to how to live a more balanced life which will spare your physical and emotional state. Sometimes this means attaching more importance to quality than quantity.
Please accept my blessings and take care from now on.

You may have more than depression going on for you.

Psychiatric medications can help; you need therapy, in my view.

If you can gently tell your husband that you may be risking hospitalization unless you
get psychiatric help, maybe he can understand that what you're experiencing isn't
anything like schizophrenia at all and that medications can help you.

Frankly, his fears are largely unwarranted and you need to get help whether he is
willing to accept that or not. Having your situation improved may help him to learn
that psychotherapy can be a very big help in freeing you from a bondage like depression
(and maybe another illness in there, too).

Take care; get the help you need first, then help your husband get help.

Take care.

[bharani1008]

I'm so sorry that you are suffering this way. You seem to have so many reasons to be feeling the way that you do. The feeling of fraudulence is so enmeshed in depression. All I know is that without medication I'd be unable to cope. With it I am 95% OK. I'm so sorry your poor husband experienced this trauma also. I don't know how to approach him in a reassuring way. Maybe some information you can find on this site might help him see your situation as the disease that it is. Maybe if you let him read some of the entries on this forum and let him see that you have much in common with other sufferers it might help. I don't want to advise on that because it is too delicate and I don't know him. But for you, since you have had experience of relief with medication then I'd at least consider it.
Please feel free to post here. Many people here will understand how you feel and give you some support while you decide what to do.
I hope you feel better soon.