[TheSmileyOne]

Hello , I have been feeling low for a very long time now, since I was 14 y/o. I'm not sure if it is me feeling blue or sorry for myself. I have very low confidence, I believe myself to be fat and ugly and whenever somebody tells me otherwise I always feel they are teasing or mocking me. I felt so low when I was trying to tell my mother that I think I am depressed but she brushed it off as me eating a low amount of sugar. At one time, I was in a really dark place and I was contemplating how to quickly and efficiently end my life. I thought it could help me numb the "pain" feeling I have inside. Since I started going college, in the first term, I took about a month off school because I had a really bad ear infection. This meant I missed a lot of work and that resulted in me dropping a subject. I wanted to do medicine and this has ruined my chances now. This meant I had free days and I would just use them to sleep in bed because I couldn't be bothered anymore. I don't go out or have any friends I can talk to. What makes me feel even low is seeing how everyone in the year I use to be in carry on with their lives and I am 1 year behind them. Also, when I go through Facebook and see the pictures people upload there. A friend of mine even got a hospital work placement that I had waned to get but as usual, I can't. Them going parties or hanging with friends and them wearing nice clothes because they can fit into them and I'm just sitting at home, only going out to buy food or pick up my sister. I unfortunately try and help myself by eating comfort food. When I'm taking a mouthful of food, I have a voice in my head saying "Look how greedy you are, you can't get skinny by doing this, your not worth it" but I still keep eating because that is how I can cope but it isn't working. Everyone in my family are better than me. I remember hearing my gran say that when my sister was small, our uncle would say when she is older, she is going to be very pretty, that made me feel even low. Also, it is quite clearly seen that my sister is the favourite in the family. When she goes out with mum, she gets new clothes (3-5 items) and 2 pairs of shoes. Then when I go out with mum, the most I got was two trousers and I needed shoes but didn't get them.

I don't know what to do anymore. The only thing stopping me from ending my life now is the thought of going to hell for taking my own life. What should I do? I can't talk to anyone and revealing myself on here is the only chance I've got to express myself and get help. Is it depression?

Thanks for reading

[online user]

Yes, you sound depressed. Can you get counseling at school? That would help, I'm sure. Overeating for comfort is something I still do from time to time. Carbohydrates are endorphin-producers, feel-good foods. Till they are on your hips, then, that's a different story. And I relate to the envy of your sister as well--my mother always favored my brother and younger sister over me. So I understand that pain, too. Feel free to vent here anytime--you'll find a lot of us are willing to listen and share our thoughts with you.

What should you do? Take things a day at a time for while. Don't try to fly to the moon, just get thru what you need to do for today. Set some goals, but break them out into little pieces. Like: I want to lose weight. OK, so, just for today, I'll exercise instead of eating fries with my burger. Just for today, I'll eat an apple instead of a snack before dinner. Then get up tomorrow, and do the same. The days will add up, the jobs will get done, and you'll lose some weight and feel wonderful.

[bharani1008]

It sounds to me like you are experiencing depression. The feelings of worthlessness seem to be a constant symptom of depression. If you read the posts on this forum you will see the same sadness. You are not alone. If you can read some of the posts here and read some of the information at the top of the forum. Sometimes if you can see your symptoms as part of a disease it can give you a little distance help you stop feeling shame and guilt. These bad feelings are not the truth. They are only symptoms, like fever in a flu.
It's a good idea to see you school counselor or dr. You will need help to overcome your depression. Almost everyone does.
Online user gave some good advice also.
Here you will find people to listen to you and if you like you can join social groups and enjoy interacting with the kind people here.
Post whenever you feel like it. We are here to listen.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, TheSmileyOne!

Just for reference:
PsychCentral Depression Resources
PsychCentral Depression Quiz (This is simply a screening test; it is not diagnostic.)
Sanity Score Quiz

[TheSmileyOne]

Thank You to everyone who responded I do actually feel like I might have depression. I would have gone to the doctors earlier but I find it hard to express what I am feeling to someone face-to-face. I already find it difficult to type what I was feeling in the last post in case anybody recognised me and were to find me and ask if I was the one who typed the post. I felt awkward telling my mum, dropping hints saying "I'm feeling a bit low" or "I can't be bothered to do anything like go to college" (that I previously enjoyed-got 4 A*-A in secondary school) and she sees it as low self-esteem. She tries to get me out the house just to go to the shop, to talk to people but it doesn't seem to help. I'm still feeling low.