[charles_j7]

Hi

I am a 22 year old college student.

I will try to explain my "problem" as well as possible.

I don't think my parents are bad people. They have friends. They are welcoming. They provide me enough money to live in another city (where I study). If you met them, you wouldn't think they are horrible people. But they're not great, either.

I was 19 when I realized I didn't want my father as a role model anymore. We were talking about tattoos (in general) and he said: "if I had a company and needed a few employees, I would exclude everyone with tattoos."
That made me realize my father is a close minded person. Later (because I started paying more attention), I realized he is also racist, homophobic and sexist. He believes men are supposed to work and women are supposed to stay at home, cooking and taking care of the kids. And my mom is all of these things, as well.
Another thing that bothers me is they're very negative. To them, everything is a risk and it's always better to aim low. Recently, we had a discussion because I told them I wanted to be rich and I would do whatever it takes to accomplish that. They laughed in my face and told me it wouldn't happen and I should aim lower, making me feel I'm not good enough, although I am studying mechanical engineering in a great university and always had good grades.

It's impossible to talk to them. We have different opinions about everything. I am liberal, atheist, open-minded and positive. They are conservative, catholics, close-minded and negative. It's impossible to find a subject we agree on.

To sum it up, if my parents weren't my parents, and just someone I'd met, I wouldn't want to keep contact with them, as they aren't the kind of people I enjoy being around. But they are my parents...

Because of this, I feel extremely sad whenever I call or come home. Right now, I am spending summer with them and I've never felt so depressed. To make matters worse, my older brother (24) and my younger sister (19) get along with my parents because they have the same kind of personality.

I feel the odd one out. I feel happy with my friends and I'm a happy person, most of the time. I just feel so depressed whenever I am in contact with my parents.

What should I do? Can you please help me?

[bharani1008]

It's not unusual for a child to feel like you do. I'm 63 but there are still things that I know stem from my being repelled by what my parents did. So many of my friends were the opposites of their parents. My parents were very vulgar so my brother and I are a bit prudish. I was in a position to visit only when I wanted to so I could keep up the family unit ( which gets more precious as you get older) but not so much that they could bring me down. Be polite and treat them like acquaintances. Don't let yourself be vulnerable to their put-downs. The less they know the better you'll be.
Believe me. Things get better as you get older

[charles_j7]

Thanks for your answer. It makes me feel I'm not alone feeling this.

I try to step away from their negativity and personalities. But I feel guilty because they are my parents and gave so much. My education, a home, everything I own... But they're just not the kind of people I want to be around.

Everyone tells me that family is the most important thing and I should try to keep it united. But how important is it to keep people that I don't like around me?

We have nothing in common. I can't talk with them about anything. We don't share the same interests. They like TV and reality shows and I like to read and learn new things everyday. They are catholic and believe God is responsible for everything. I am atheist and believe we control our lives. We don't do anything together. I feel I can't trust them because I don't think their advices are good. They tell me to aim low. They tell me to stay in my country earning a small wage instead of supporting me to work abroad with better life quality.

And honestly, do I really want advice from racist people? From negative people? From people who judge others based on looks? From small minded people?

I once heard that great minds talk about ideas. Medium minds talks about events and small minds talks about people. The only thing my parents are able to talk about is other people's lives. I hate that. When I am with my friends, we discuss technology, politics, movies, books, drug liberalization, teenage lives, a lot of things. But we discuss ideas. I can't do that with my parents.

Honestly, I feel I'm becoming bipolar because of this. Sometimes I feel angry, others I feel depressed. Sometimes I feel pity, other times I feel disappointed with myself. Sometimes I am feeling really sad but then I watch some comedy and feel enjoyment. But it's not full enjoyment, it's like a mix of feelings. I want to stay alone and I want to meet new people at the same time.

But I will follow your advice. Treat them like acquaintances and be distant from their mindsets. It's just one more year till I finish university...

Once again, thanks for your answer.

[ThisWayOut]

I still hope some days that I would be able to open my parent's minds and make them nicer people. It's a tough situation. I'm sorry you are stuck being back someplace that makes you feel so uncomfortable. I moved across the country to go to school when I was 17. I felt it was the best thing ever. The summers home were torture however. I suffered through them as best I could, and eventually stopped coming home when I got my own apartment out there. I would hazard a guess that my dad is a lot like your parents, and my mom is falling in that direction. I recently moved "home" again after 17 years of being away. I'm finding similar difficulties dealing with my mom, and wondering how I put up with her attitude and beliefs for so long as a child.
I try to get out of the house as much as I can, or occupy myself with things other than conversation when I am home. It's a bit tricky because my mom is pretty homophobic, and I moved back here with my wife... She likes us as individuals, but she still spouts some pretty mean things once in a while. It makes for an uncomfortable situation most of the time, so we try not to address her beliefs about us.
Can you try to keep the talking/interaction on levels that interest both of you? or at least on topics that don't drive you nuts? My mom is a science and tech geek, so we try to talk about that kind of stuff as opposed to politics and human rights. If she goes on one of her rampages, my wife and I will either "hide" in the bedroom, or leave the house. We can't change her mind on things (at least not overnight), so we make do with staying away as best we can...
I think one of the greatest lessons kids can learn from their parents is what not to do... It def does make it harder to come back home though...
((hugs)) it's almost time to go back to school. You can do this. (venting generally helps me, so if you want to vent away about them, please do so)

[Brosci]

Parents kinda mold their kids in whatever direction they intended or didn't intend. You can't tell how each person is going to react. If anything you coulda became just like them. I noticed when I was younger I would think some of my thoughts were mine but infact it was just my father or mothers. Like I wouldn't like certain shoes because in his eyes they were wack and that was that. When in reality i do like those shoes or that shirt.So I then started shopping by myself and developed my own taste. Or that I always had to do good in school or whatnot and get all A's. Puts pressure on you when you realize that you don't live up to those expectations. I eventually had to tell myself I had to work for my own things. Or that my dad is very protective so eventually now I'm telling myself I gotta get out into the world

[bharani1008]

OK devil's advocate here: I think it's also relevant to make note of the fact that they are helping support you all. Without that support you'd be in big trouble---right? So along with the coping skills you need to survive, take a few seconds to be just a little grateful for their help. That doesn't make what they say OK, it just needs to be noted, I think.