[shadowkid]

I have been through quite a bit in my life, and everytime I get depressed, I start remembering all the traumas of my life. So just so I can vent, and maybe to help people better understand my current psychological situation I will explain. It's a long story, but please bare with me here, I need to talk about this with other people. This is my life story so far:

When I was 7 my parents divorced. I was then in the "weekend parent" situation and was constantly put on the backburner. I also have an older brother and an older sister. When I was 8 my teacher died in a drunk driving incident, and although I was traumatized, my mother didn't really give me the consoling that I needed. When I was 9 my grandfather [on my dad's side] passed away. That same year my great-grandmother [on my mom's side] who was helping my mom take care of me and my siblings left, because we were too much for her to handle at her age. When I was 11 my grandmother [dad's side] passed away as well. Later that year [starting 6th grade] I started getting bullied a lot for being gay, and for having this really close friend [brandon] who I spent apparently too much time with. It got so bad that teachers even started joining in, and called me and my friend ******s, and said that we should stop talking to each other. I was in detention every day and in the principles office every other day.

When I was 13 my mother told us that my dad would be raising us from that point on, and essentially abandoned me. My dad started getting extremely abusive, especially with me. We fought every day, no matter what. When the bullying got so bad, I had to force my dad to let me change schools, and was put into an alternative high-school. Most of the other students were extremely religious, which I never was. I was deeply in the closet at this point because of this. When I was 15 my mother [who at this point was painfully irrelevant to us] showed up after 4 months of not talking to us, and confessed that she had embezzled over $30,000 from her job, and gambled it all away. She stayed with us for about a week, and was completely bed ridden. The Friday after she showed up I came home from school, and as usual I went up to go check on her. She was not breathing at all, and I thought she was dead, we got her up and took her to the hospital [turns out it was just a severe panic attack] and then after she got better she left with her boyfriend, and we didn't speak to her for a couple of months.

When I was 16, my friend Sydney, died in a drunk driving accident. I got suspended from my academy [at this point I was in college, yes at 16] for 2 quarters because of bad grades, which was a direct cause of Sydney's death. When I was 17 I had my first relationship, but needless to say, like all teen relationships this didn't end well, it was full of drama, I lost my virginity about 6 days into it. There was a lot of drama between my "friends" because no one liked who I was with, and so it ended. 2 months after that, my dad kicked me out of my house, because he thought I was doing drugs [never touched any at this point] and I was forced to stay at a friend's apartment [I never lived on the street, for which I am thankful] and after several months I had a doctor tell me that I could have cancer [was a false alarm] and I had to move back in with my dad.

Then when I was 19, I ran into an incident with the police [I was high on weed, and was driving a friends car without having a license] so with the fear of having to deal with my dad's wrath I moved out and quit school. I was in my friend's house for 2 weeks, and got kicked out because I invited over a one-night-stand. That day I went to my other family's house [mom's side of the family, who I hadn't spoke to in almost 10 years] and explained all that had happened to me in the past month, and they let me stay there. My grandfather [mom's side] had been essentially dead to me, due to the fact that he is a criminally insane alcoholic who literally shot up his small mountain town with an AK-47. I was forced to live with him. Anyway, several months after I got a job working nights at a hotel, I started bringing in money. When I started to save up money so I could live on my own, they kicked me out and I had to live in that very same hotel for about a month before moving into this apartment.

When I turned 20, I started a relationship [out of desperation] and it turned out to be quite abusive. I was sexually abused, and without even realizing it was being taken complete advantage of. He pretty much lived with me, didn't bring in any money, and refused to even try to look for a job. It was getting to the isolation phase of an abusive relationship when I realized what was happening and I ended it.

Later that year I put myself in school for a quarter, paid for out of pocket since I was denied financial aid. I did really well, and was making good out of all of that crap in my life, and recieved a 4.0GPA that quarter, and a certificate from University of Washington, I was also president of my student club, and had 2 clients for my newly founded business consulting firm. I was on a roll! Then in a moment of weakness, I trusted someone I shouldn't have, and she got me fired. Everything came crashing down, and I have been severely depressed ever since. I have a job now, I work at Walmart [I hate it] and although I have always had depression, this is the worst its ever gotten. I have been pondering suicide for a couple days now, I dyed my hair black in protest, and I haven't left my house in over 24 hours now...

I don't have the energy to look for another job right now, I'm just too tired. I'm emotionally drained. Where do I find strength now? All my life, I have pulled my strength on the hope of one day making a better life, and reaching for my dreams [to one day change the world for better] but how do I gain strength from that? It seems that my dream of being on my own, making all my own decisions has betrayed me... What do I do? I'm so lost right now.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Shadowkid!

Wow. My first impression is that right now you have little chance of finding the strength to get back on your feet. You need to recover from recent events, catch your emotional breath.

It is amazing that with your background you have been able to do so well and move on from other ugly situations.

I believe you might be able to benefit from both psychological and academic/vocational counseling. Are those resources available to you anywhere near where you live (2-1-1)?

[avlady]

That's a sad story, i will pray you can get yourself together, you've already made some great strides obviously That's something positive to think of!!!

[gayleggg]

You may hate working at Wal-Mart, but at least you are working. Use your off time to recover from the blows you've taken. You will be strong again. I agree if you could get counseling that would be a plus. Hang in there things will turn around.