[Poppy Princess]

I've begun to consider the possibility that depression is good for me. I notice things that happy people don't notice. I care more because I'm more sensitive to people's pain. I absorb their misery and feel like them. It makes me want to help people. It makes appreciate people in a different way. I love them for their happiness and sadness. Ignorance is bliss, bliss is happiness, happiness is ignorance. Is happiness ignorance? Ignorance of the pain and suffering that surrounds us? The desperate need to be happy. We must ignore the evil, accept it, deal with it, anything but let it get to us. Happiness is bliss. I don't want ignorance. If ignorance is bliss then I don't want bliss. Maybe depression isn't my disease. Maybe it's my cure.

[anneo59]

Hi Poppy Princess, I really like what you said about the positive aspects of depression, and I can see that. Thanks for sharing! Having said this, though, I think we can't stay there forever, nor is it good for us. I guess IMHO I've used it as a cure myself, just to break free of it for a little while, to flow, engage myself, etc., so that I would not feel the painful part of depression......wishing you well!

[Poppy Princess]

I guess I've just figured out that I will never not be depressed. Please don't contradict me on that cause it's just a fact for me now. Hope would just be a waste of time at this point. I really don't want to hear anything like "hope it gets better" or "things will change", so just don't post that please. I have to accept depression in this way.. It's basically "if you can't beat them; join them." I have to learn to enjoy depression because I will die otherwise.

[venusss]

we had a discussion of this loooong time ago. It gets bit heated http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...epression.html

that's for now. Will write more later... but basically I agree with you. Maybe we are depressed for a reason. I never liked the disease concept. I always thought it's NOT normal to be always pefectly happy in our world.

[Poppy Princess]

Thanks, I actually can enjoy the sadness in other ways too. I can sort of swim and float in the sweet sad melancholy.

[Samanthagreene]

I find that when I'm depressed, I can do some creative things, albeit more depressing ones.

[Poppy Princess]

That's another good point. My depression has inspired some of my best artwork.

Originally Posted by Poppy Princess

I've begun to consider the possibility that depression is good for me. I notice things that happy people don't notice. I care more because I'm more sensitive to people's pain. I absorb their misery and feel like them. It makes me want to help people. It makes appreciate people in a different way. I love them for their happiness and sadness. Ignorance is bliss, bliss is happiness, happiness is ignorance. Is happiness ignorance? Ignorance of the pain and suffering that surrounds us? The desperate need to be happy. We must ignore the evil, accept it, deal with it, anything but let it get to us. Happiness is bliss. I don't want ignorance. If ignorance is bliss then I don't want bliss. Maybe depression isn't my disease. Maybe it's my cure.

I'm glad I've had the experience of seeing the world through my depressed lens for many of the reasons you state. I understand empathy and compassion in ways that many people seem unable to comprehend. I find beauty in sadness. But, and it's a big, big but.....I don't want to have to live in this space any longer. "Nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there" describes my depression and the place I've been living in my mind for longer than I can remember. I truly don't think I have anything left to learn from depression. Now, it is simply a mountain standing between me and every goal I have in life.

I used to think it made me a better musician...maybe that was true for a period of time, I don't know if I ever would've become as good as I have without the countless hours spent practicing, obsessing, and trying to get better which were largely fueled by depression. My complete lack of self-worth inspired me to try harder, feeling like I sucked no matter how good people told me I was made me practice just that much longer, and the fact that I could hide from my depression and sadness by ignoring it and locking myself in a world of music meant that I was often practicing or listening to music every Friday and Saturday night when everybody else was out partying.

But, now there is nothing useful left in my depression. I don't want to practice anymore, I barely listen to music anymore. My anxiety about my playing has reached a point where I have stopped returning calls about gigs and stopped returning calls from new students because I feel like the next time I play in public or meet a new student may result in a panic attack or worse. It's been seven years since the last time I really made any obvious musical progress because seven years ago I was practicing in the middle of the night and suddenly something in my brain snapped...like a light switch being turned off. I just said, "**** it, gave up, and went to bed." I've had short spurts of creativity or determination since then, but most just seven years of torture that I've created for myself.

I could go on and on about this, but I've screwed myself over big time. And now, the biggest reason all this hurts so much is that ever since I was 12 years old, the only identity I've had is that of somebody who plays music. Didn't matter if I had no friends, or wasn't dating, or had no idea how to socialize with people, or anything else. If musical life was good, I was good...if musical life was bad, I was bad. So now, musical life has been bad for seven years and I've felt like a worthless human being for seven years because I know of no other way to determine my worth.

So, for me, depression was once a friend, now it is my worst enemy. Not just an enemy, but a cage I am trapped in and a mountain that seems impossible to climb.

[Poppy Princess]

I'm sorry

I think I've just reached the stage where I'm comfortable in depression.

[BumbleHero]

Originally Posted by OPRMC

I'm glad I've had the experience of seeing the world through my depressed lens for many of the reasons you state. I understand empathy and compassion in ways that many people seem unable to comprehend. I find beauty in sadness. But, and it's a big, big but.....I don't want to have to live in this space any longer. "Nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there" describes my depression and the place I've been living in my mind for longer than I can remember. I truly don't think I have anything left to learn from depression. Now, it is simply a mountain standing between me and every goal I have in life.

I used to think it made me a better musician...maybe that was true for a period of time, I don't know if I ever would've become as good as I have without the countless hours spent practicing, obsessing, and trying to get better which were largely fueled by depression. My complete lack of self-worth inspired me to try harder, feeling like I sucked no matter how good people told me I was made me practice just that much longer, and the fact that I could hide from my depression and sadness by ignoring it and locking myself in a world of music meant that I was often practicing or listening to music every Friday and Saturday night when everybody else was out partying.

But, now there is nothing useful left in my depression. I don't want to practice anymore, I barely listen to music anymore. My anxiety about my playing has reached a point where I have stopped returning calls about gigs and stopped returning calls from new students because I feel like the next time I play in public or meet a new student may result in a panic attack or worse. It's been seven years since the last time I really made any obvious musical progress because seven years ago I was practicing in the middle of the night and suddenly something in my brain snapped...like a light switch being turned off. I just said, "**** it, gave up, and went to bed." I've had short spurts of creativity or determination since then, but most just seven years of torture that I've created for myself.

I could go on and on about this, but I've screwed myself over big time. And now, the biggest reason all this hurts so much is that ever since I was 12 years old, the only identity I've had is that of somebody who plays music. Didn't matter if I had no friends, or wasn't dating, or had no idea how to socialize with people, or anything else. If musical life was good, I was good...if musical life was bad, I was bad. So now, musical life has been bad for seven years and I've felt like a worthless human being for seven years because I know of no other way to determine my worth.

So, for me, depression was once a friend, now it is my worst enemy. Not just an enemy, but a cage I am trapped in and a mountain that seems impossible to climb.

I feel almost like we're the same person.. I thought having this depression (though I didn't know it was this, then), gave me the upper hand. That it made me mature and knowledgable. I still have that ignorant belief. Though for me, instead of music, my dream was to be like Sailor Moon.. seriously. She was my childhood hero.. beautiful, flawed but deeply loved, fought for justice, strong, and loyal. I've always wanted to be like her, and like the Disney princesses, have my happily ever after with my own prince.

They're still my goals in life.. to be happy with my soul mate and do something helpful for the world, like fighting for justice. I want to get there, so whatever I have to do to get there, I'm going to have to do it. Don't know how I'm going to get there, and fearful, too, but if I just keep worrying, I'll get no where. So I just gotta do it. I have to be open about saying I'm depressed and really get help. No more hiding. I'm done hiding. I've stayed in one place too long. It's worse than really being dead, honestly. I'll never find peace in depression, but I think in Happiness I could.

[adam_k]

I don't think the caring and empathy is part of your depression. I think that is part of who you are. I think you as a person can feel when other people are suffering and want to help.

I also get what you are saying about the hopeless feelings and accepting that depression is something you will have to deal with.

I'm not saying it will go away or that there is a known method to make things better. I think a good goal is to try to raise your baseline from constant misery to coping and then hopefully to feeling okay.

It is easier to sometimes give up. I have been there. I remember a while back when everyday was bad for a couple months on end. I just went to work because I had to and then slept. I just gave up.

If you want my advice. Try to do small stuff. Take care of your personal needs. Hygine, eating good (I tend to not eat when I am down), proper amount of sleep (8 hours for most). Those may not make you happy, but when your not taking care if yourself it can make you feel worse.

Try to find some support and deal with things that bother you. Talking about your own needs and and issues bothering you. I tend to bottle everything up which brings me down.

I'm not saying you are wrong for accpeting it will last forever. I can't say that it will or will not. I'm just saying that there may not be evidence that it will and that feeling of hopelessness are part of depression. Try to take care of yourself and needs even when it seems pointless.

Your a good person who deserves to be happy. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and fight for what most people just get. You may not be sunshine and roses, but I think you can improve so that it isn't misery everyday.

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by Poppy Princess

I guess I've just figured out that I will never not be depressed. Please don't contradict me on that cause it's just a fact for me now. Hope would just be a waste of time at this point. I really don't want to hear anything like "hope it gets better" or "things will change", so just don't post that please. I have to accept depression in this way.. It's basically "if you can't beat them; join them." I have to learn to enjoy depression because I will die otherwise.

i love this and agree. I feel like anytime i ever think i happy, id just be fooling myself and id rather be sad in a broken world stooped to the inescapable levels of those around me, than foolishly happy and skipping around their remains. Its impossible, my empathy is just too big. As long as the world is in disarray, i will be too. cool post