warning: depressing rant

I guess the title should be depressive, nihilistic, misanthropic and cynical rant.

I ****ing hate myself and I hate everyone. People are stupid and too emotional. Emotions piss me off. Why do we have them? To cope with our intelligence? They just complicate life. They make me weak. They make me want to die. Religion is emotional, pleasure is emotional, fear is emotional. Why are so many things permeated with emotions?

People can't accept me. I'm too different. I don't even feel human. I feel like an alien - a freak. I wasn't planned. I was an accident. That's why I didn't inherit much, like family. Plans inherit many times more than accidents. When I see how much people have, it makes me sad. I've never had what they had and have. I've tried counting my blessings, but it's futile. I have an existential crisis. I just feel like dying.

Religion is just a coping mechanism to deal with the nihilism of life - to create structure and meaning where there is none. We're literally ants of the universe when it comes to the ultimate knowledge of the meaning of life. We just go with what we're told, what feels right. It keeps us from asking unpleasant questions and coming to painful conclusions.

People only like people if they bring pleasure in connecting. It's a trade-off. So there is no unconditional love. It's just a construct of the human mind. The weak people such as myself are undesirable and therefore lack relationships. People are really emotional vampires feeding off each other - emotional *****s stroking each other 'til they die. And they even have a place to stroke each other after death! Good if you're considered fortunate. But emptiness and isolation is what I've received. I didn't choose to have ADHD, social phobia or depression.

People fear the unknown. They're not familiar with it and they're only comfortable with what they're familiar with. Nobody wants to face unknown circumstances so they evade anyway they can whether escapism or delusions. People avoid the negativity anytime they can. But it's inevitable. And I was predetermined to face nihilism.

I suffer from social phobia, depression and the complications of ADHD. My upbringing was stressful - smothering grandma, unpredictable mom and missing dad. There's no way I could've fit into the mold of society - and I doubt I ever will. It's unimaginable. The nurturance and challenges of development were skewed out of my life. And now it seems my life is outside of my control.

The momentum I've gained is negative. I've tried being positive. I'm not in prison. I'm not starving or homeless. But hey, this is an existential crisis unlike other circumstantial crises. People say to be positive when they don't know what it feels like to want to die. If you read this, at least you took the time. So thank you if you read this. If you can defeat my reasoning, go ahead and try.

Which came first, the reasoning or the agony?
Were someone to "defeat" your reasoning, would that relieve the agony?

Please keep posting, Omofca.

Not going to challenge your reasoning, I can actually relate to it in many parts... As such I also recognise the need to find meaning to our negativity and so we construct arguments that in essence support it... That stick a finger up at positivity. And therein can lie the viscous circle... Feeding our feelings with complex thoughts.

It can be a bugger to break that pattern. Talking is the first step. I'm not going to throw things at you about the things to be positive about (or at the least 'bearable') since that will be something that is within yourself to recognise and develop... But it will be there

The agony was first. This is how I made sense of it.
It would prompt me to correct my reasoning

I am glad you were able to let out some of those feelings and therefore your agony. And I do know what it feels like to want to die. I don't want to challenge your thoughts I just want to listen. That's what people here have done for me. Keep letting them out and we will continue to listen.