[Altered Moment]

Warning it is long. Might be encouraging or discouraging. I put it out there because I don't care who knows anymore and maybe it will help someone.

Depression started the summer between 6th and 7th grade. This was about the time all the kids in neighborhood were starting to use cigarettes, alcohol, and pot. I went a year without giving in to the peer pressure then gave in. I wanted to fit in and be cool. I fell in love with alcohol. I also used pot and cigarettes. I really believe I was self-medicating for the depression. It worked. Throughout High School I was able to get good grades, was popular, and played on the High School hockey team. We even won a state championship.
I went to community college with the intentions of becoming an engineer. Now I was getting more and more depressed and the drugs and alcohol were not working out as good. I was a full blown alcoholic by this point. I ended up dropping out of college and moving to Oklahoma to get into the construction trades. I got a job plumbing for a company from California. In the construction trades alcoholism and drug use is much more tolerated in the construction trades. I did very well. Became a foreman in my early 20’s. All my self esteem was tied up in my work. I was a functional alcoholic until my early 30’s, make it to work each day and did good. I still had incidents of depression but they were manageable I guess. All my energy went into work and I slept as much as I could when not working. I worked, drank, ate and slept. I ended up getting married and having a daughter. My tolerance to alcohol by this time really dropped and my drinking was out of control. I tried and tried to quit on my own. I could quit for some periods by just smoking pot. Then I discovered Meth. What an antidepressant that was. I didn’t care about drinking when I was doing meth. This went on for five years. Of course it did a lot of damage to my relationship with my wife and little girl. It turned into a vicious cycle of up and down just like bipolar. I finally got fired from a job I had been at for fourteen years. I got another job right away and lasted two weeks before they fired me. I couldn’t stay away from the stuff.
This was my bottom. With my wifes and mothers encouragement I reached out for help. At first I went to a psychiatric clinic and saw a psychologist and then a psychiatrist. I knew I had a problem with depression and I was totally honest about my alcohol and drug use. They put me of Effexor and of course recommended I go to an alcohol and drug treatment center. I agreed and went voluntarily.
I was doing very well at the treatment center. The model patient. Then after two weeks I skitzed out and had a psychotic break. I had what is called amphetamine post acute withdrawal syndrome. They took me 5150 to a mental hospital. I was out of town so they then transferred me to a mental hospital in the town I lived in. I was pissed and wanted out. I did not think anything was wrong with me. I was flying high. A full blown manic episode. They kept me for three weeks. They took my drivers license for six months and would not go back to work for a year. The episode pretty much lasted a year before my brain came back into balance. Because it lasted so long I was diagnosed bi-polar.
During this whole time I attended AA meetings. When I could drive again I was going to three meetings a day. I loved AA and was doing everything that was suggested. I have been clean and sober to this day, 18 years. This all happened in 1995 when my daughter was three. She has no memory of ever seeing me drink or drug. I was flying high and doing really well the first couple of years. I decided to try to make a change and not go back into plumbing and go back to college. That is when the depression reared its ugly head again. The pink cloud went away. I dropped out of school again and went back to plumbing.
I was able to work and keep my head above water in spite of the depression. I did very well at work. However when the depression hit I was down and out. I had moderate depression the whole time. I worked ate and slept a lot and worked on my recovery. I had a very solid foundation in AA and didn’t want to drink and use but the depression was horrible. I worked very hard at recovery and battling the depression. I went to Alanon for years. I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics for a year. Worked the steps. Sponsored an Alateen meeting for two years. I went to therapy of all different kinds for years trying to battle the depression. Always in a mild or moderate depression but having enough energy to do all these things and do good at work. Sometimes having to really force myself. I would go into three severe depressions a year and miss a week to up to three weeks of work. I was very lucky to have a boss who tolerated this. He needed me real bad because I practically ran his business in the field. I was taking and switching antidepressants this whole time.
When the housing market crashed and the economy crashed my boss closed up his business. I joined the plumbing union because they still had a lot of work but it was running out fast. I was layed off a lot and collected unemployment. Financially I started doing worse. This is when the depressions started getting worse. Probably triggered by lack of work and financial stress. They were getting more severe, coming more frequently and lasting longer. I still kept battling by taking meds switching meds going to group therapy individual counseling Alanon and on and on.
At one point I was layed off from the union for two years and collected unemployment for two years. I spent all that time where I grew up in Michigan and did good the first year. The second year I had horrible long lasting depression especially in the winter. I finally got called back to work for a very good job in California. I had a ton of anxiety but bulled my way through it. I did very well at work. Got awards. The first six months that is. Then the depression hit again. In one year I missed almost three months of work due to depression. In the real world a company just cannot put up with that and they let me go. Being in a union I could get called out to other jobs. I took a call for another job and lasted one day. The next morning sitting in the parking lot at work I had a panick attack and a breakdown. I just couldn’t hang.
My psychiatrist who was super stingy about disability put me on it for two weeks. I was lucky he gave me that although I needed it for much longer. I was able to qualify for unemployment again but was very disabled. My family talked me into coming back to Michigan so I could be closer to them and have their support. My brother talked me into a new treatment called TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. I did one hour sessions three days a week for six weeks. They shoot strong magnetic pulses through your brain at a very specific spot. It didn’t do jack. That winter I had my worse depression ever. Pretty much stayed in bed for six months at my parents house. Was suicidal everyday. Had paranoid delusions. One day I just snapped out of like a switch went off. I don’t think it was due to meds or anything else. The cycle had run its course and I snapped out of it. I own a small place in Michigan on a river and I was able to do a lot of work on it and do a lot of fishing and felt really good. Then around October it came again. It is now Feburary and I have been in and out since. Not near as bad as last year but bad enough. Last year when I was in that very bad long lasting one I had given up all hope. I just wanted to die. Very suicidal all the time. I had given up hope that anything would help this depression. I had tried everything.
Now this year it has come back again. I have regained some sense of hope but it is hard. I am tired. I have tried everything. I have been forcing myself to do things my whole life and I don’t want to force myself to do things. I want to want to do things.
I have applied for social security disablility. I just don’t think I can work anymore, especially in plumbing. You can’t miss three to six months a year of work and hold job. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was praying to God every night that I would just wake up dead. Somehow I have regained some sense of hope. I have some good days. I am at my parents at 50 years of age and in very bad shape financially. I have still managed to hold on to my house here on the river. I hope and pray they will give me disability. It is a process that takes forever. I don’t know if this story will help anyone or not. Maybe you can at least relate. I am very proud that I have managed to stay clean and sober for 18 years. I did have a few slips on pot when I was very desperate to try anything as an antidepressant. It did not work for me so I stopped. Many in AA would say I relapsed and have to change my sobriety date but I don’t give a ****. In my heart I know I was trying it for a legitimate medical use and I am holding on to my 18 years. The sobriety part is encouraging, the depression part not so much. Depression is a very serious debilitating disease. Many many people just don’t get it. They can’t understand unless they really try to educate themselves. I am very lucky to have a very supportive and understanding family. I would be homeless otherwise. I am putting this out there because I don’t care who knows anymore and it might help someone. With the depression there are ups and downs and currently I am back in fighting mode. I don’t believe it will ever go away but I have to learn to live with it and manage it. It is not easy. I am very spiritual and truly believe there is much more to the story than we perceive.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know that this is the wrong thing to say and I don't know how to say it any other way, but I found it to be uplifting? I can't find the right word.....

It's a story of strength and tenacity and it gives me hope.

I wonder if, when you read it back to yourself, you see any patterns? It seems that winter is particularly tough for you and I know that Michigan winters can be long. (I am now in Texas, from New York, and it's made a huge difference for me)

Anyway, thank you for sharing. And I hope I'm coming across the way I intend...

[Clara22]

Thanks a lot

[Rohag]

Wow.
Special thanks for relating your experience of TMS.
I'm glad you can hold on to hope in some form.

Thank you for sharing

[Altered Moment]

Thanks.

I wonder if, when you read it back to yourself, you see any patterns? It seems that winter is particularly tough for you and I know that Michigan winters can be long. (I am now in Texas, from New York, and it's made a huge difference for me)

I spent just about all of that time in California. I don't have SADS but similar to it. It is very weird but one of my periodic depressions would always come in spring when it first started getting hot in CA. Last one lasted until the end of June even with all the nice weather before June. If I am severely depressed I want to hide from the nice weather. There is a pattern but a weird one. One doc called it a diurnal rhythm once. It is definitely harder in Michigan in the winters though. They are long. However if I feel good I will get out there and shovel snow like it makes no difference.