The ocean hiding under the surface - Mild Depression?

Hello,

I'm completely new here and never even imagined coming somewhere like this to post or ask for help. But here we are, good to meet you all, I'll just dive straight in. I'm a guy by the way.

I'm 20 now (Soon to be 21 - 3 days in fact) and for most of my teenage life I've unwittingly and very efficiently managed to lock all my emotions up somewhere under the surface of my mind - I felt numb all the time, I became expert at faking emotional responses to situations, I actively persued cold rationality due to childhood issues to do with my mother and the emotionally draining effect she has on people.

The only time I ever felt completely free and unhindered was while acting on stage. This is the course I have pursued. But over the course of my training, the emotional liberation I used to feel while acting has locked itself away too... I can feel them boiling just under the surface, like a very mild headache, or strange ugly sensations running through my body. I'm sick of it, I know I have a problem, and I need to unlock it all again.

I have been in therapy for the last year, and it really helped, but I'm on my own now as the university wont pay for it in my third year (I'm not high risk enough; only a good thing). This emotional disconnection is heightened by being in the presence of other people, like my emotions become scared and shy away from human contact. I want to be able to feel what I know I used to...

So if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears. I don't know what this is called, but I'm not really bothered... defining things is limiting. If you want any more info or anyone has anything similar to this I'd love to discuss.

Lemonz

WELCOME and happy bday in advance.

to Psych Central. I have really experienced what you are but wanted say hi anyway.

Happy Birthday early.