[ohthatnonymoose]

I guess I should preface this all by saying that I'm not really sure why I'm posting. I'm not really here for advice I've heard a million times nor for feel-good clichés that just kind of float around. I just got an urge to share how I feel. Maybe I'm just typing this for catharsis, or maybe I'm looking for a sort of companionship, knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm not really sure, maybe I will just end up getting nothing out of this. But I came here, registered, and typed all of this so far, so there's no sense in stopping now.

I am, in general, an unhappy person. I've done a lot of self-reflection, and I think a lot of it is secondary and tertiary effects of a sort of self-loathing. Not really active loathing, but just passively. Like how a lot of people don't like brusselsprouts. I just don't really care for who I am. So I keep everyone else at an arm's distance. I used to think that I was just shy and nervous, which was and is true, but the more I've gotten over that, the more I've realized that I still unwittingly keep people away from the real me out of some sort of shame. I think that I'm afraid that once people see who I really am, they'll hate me just as much as I do. So I create facades, masks that amount to the capacity for small-talk, and nothing else. Even towards my family, we're not very close. I've always felt like the black sheep--always a bit distanced from everyone else.

There's only one person that I've really gotten close to and opened up to, and that's my current roommate. And just like I thought, across years of knowing each other, she has simply had enough. She has made it very clear that she does not like me, and is only letting me stay here out of pity since I haven't been able to find a job in almost a year. Despite constant efforts, I'm taking a break from applications right now to type this, I've had two interviews in the last twelve months. One went well, and one did not, but neither ended in a job offer. Even that stereotypical lazy, drug-addled teen who doesn't give two shits about his job can get a job at McDonald's. I can't. I wish I could blame it on a lack of trying, but I can't. I am just not employable. I like to throw around the excuse that it's because employers don't want to work around my university schedule, but I'm not even sure anymore whether or not that's ********.

So I'm alone, unemployed, and facing homelessness in the near future. It's been like that for years now (except the employment bit). In the past, that would make me feel sad, or angry, or guilty, or ashamed, or something at least. I realized in bed last night, that I just don't care anymore--and not the sort of angsty rejection-of-truth kind of "don't care", it's more of just an ambivalence. My thoughts of suicide aren't driven by emotion or escapism anymore, and I think that's what's scaring me. They're just there. It isn't a feeling anymore, it's not something that will pass as I cool down, it's just what reality is now. (I hope that this doesn't break the suicidal rule, but I think it's fine). I'm not worth anything, I have nothing and I have no one. That doesn't make me feel bad anymore, but I can't say I've accepted it, it's just how it is, and how it will be.

And then I wonder, why am I getting out of bed? Why am I eating? Why am I typing this for the internet to see? Why am I doing anything anymore? It's just a drain of the world's resources that someone else can put to better use being happy.

I hope that paints a small picture of how I feel, enough to give a general idea, anyway.

Hi. First off, I'm really sorry that you feel that way. There is a terrible sort of helplessness is hating yourself that claws at you. I've felt it plenty of times in the past. The sort of apathy that eats at you until you can't get out of bed or do anything at all. I started sleeping 21 hours a day and barely eating and the only reason I really am here right now is because I realized something was really wrong. I didn't want to be like that anymore because I had remembered how vibrant I used to be. I know that you said you're not looking for advice but have you ever considered talking to a therapist? You said you're in college right? There are a lot of colleges that have mental health services (I myself go to them and they're quite nice as a resource).

And it's really hard for words (especially ones over the internet from a stranger) to take any hold on you (because you have to believe it yourself for it to have effect) but you are wonderful and you are still growing so please be gentle with yourself. There are billions of people in this world and I have seen such a diversity of interests. The only reason you are alone now is because you haven't found your niche yet. Which is fine because I haven't found mine either but please know that you are not alone in feeling alone.

And hey, if it counts for anything, I like the way you type in grammatically correct sentences and capitalize everything correctly and I know at heart you are a good person because when you shut down you curl into yourself and try to disappear in hopes that the world can move on better without you. In that aspect you and I are very similar.

But please don't give up though, it may be extremely difficult, especially right now, but if you can just plant a little seed in your mind right now that thinks "maybe I am worth a little bit" and let it grow, I know you can do many powerful things.

[mountainstream]