My condition

Hey i found this forum and i tought id give it a go and share my story.

Im 25 years on male. Ive been on depression since i was 15. I have a place to live, i have my hobbies, im not poor, i have a wife, i have my income, friends etc. I may not see depressed from the outside but my inside just wants to explode. Even my gf doesnt believe me. I feel like a normal person to others. But things are very different. I have suicidal thoughts every single day. Id still not do it. My motives do to anything are gone. I can barely start any activity. And lately i cant even sleep. I was on treatment 1 year ago but i started to take AD and alcohol together and i was going hyperactive and crazy when buzzed. My blood pressure started to rise and there were some pretty ****** episodes of panic attacks. Im afraid to go to treatment again because im afraid my blood pressure rises again and i may die. The second time i went to doctor i was bescribed with seroquel and wtf it was for schixophrenia so i banned it and now im back again in the bottom. ****

I just wanted to know what would u do in my situation? and dont judge my english its not my native language.

Hello & Welcome Sukstob!
Yes, that is familiar to me.

Antidepressant medications and alcohol do not mix well. It is possible the combination was responsible for some of the frightening symptoms you experienced.

Did the doctors have any explanation for the rise in blood pressure?
Have you been diagnosed with anything other than depression?