i just really need to rant.

hi.

** so before i start, i just would like to say that i'm going to try and keep this from being excessively triggering. but i know it will be. so, trigger warning. **

i don't exactly know why i'm posting this. just to let it out, i guess.

so here we go.

i'm a teenager. [i can feel the level of how intelligent most people view me dropping as they read that statement, as i've realized people believe "teenager" is a synonym for "imbecile"] i've always heard people say that high school is the best four years of your life. but how so?

i feel horrible about myself and worthless on an almost daily basis. i cover my skin in scars because i see no other way to deal with it. my dark and twisted thoughts haunt me so badly that it's next to impossible for me to sleep without taking three or four benadryl. they make me literally unable to keep awake. attempting to put suicidal and self loathing thoughts out of my mind has become part of a daily routine. i hate myself. i'm convinced my friends and family hate me. i'm the reason why my parents are so stressed. because they have to deal with a screwed up daughter with a screwed up mind and a screwed up sleeping schedule and a screwed up outlook on life. just a general screwup.

all i want is to be happy. i don't want to be some millionaire. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want to have dozens of friends. i just want to be able to look in the mirror without thinking "god, you're so horrendously ugly. why do you even exist?"

that's all i want out of life.

but it's too much to ask for.

and my parents don't know. well, not everything. they know i'm depressed. they know i self harm. they know my self esteem isn't the best. but they think i've been about 9 months clean from cutting. guess what? i hurt myself a few days ago. i haven't gone more than 3 weeks without. and my self esteem isn't just low. it's to the point where i look at myself and just cry. i look at the stuff i've done in life, the stuff i've written, the stuff i've drawn. and i just cry because of how much i absolutely despise myself.

i just don't want them to be disappointed.

so i agreed to go to a counselor back in january. she did nothing. in fact, she made my problems worse. after that terrible experience, i went to my regular doctor this month and told him how i was feeling. he put me on zoloft. it did essentially nothing. well, maybe i just needed a stronger dose. nope. i got my zoloft upped and it still hasn't worked for me. it's terrible. i just want to feel better. but there's this tiny bit of me that things i don't deserve to feel good. i don't deserve to feel okay. gotta live up to my username on here, right?

there's one thing that makes me happy and that's music. and i'm complete crap at every aspect of it. i can't sing or songwrite to save my life, i can't play any instruments, i can't do anything right. the only thing i can do right is lay in bed on a laptop listening to radiohead at 4 am because i'm too ****ing depressed to go to sleep.

like i said, i don't know why i'm posting this. i don't know why you're reading this. i don't know why you give a damn, frankly. i'm just a random girl living in the middle of nowhere with all these issues. i should be able to just deal with it. i should be able to like myself. i should be able to handle things better without having to self harm.
but i can't. and i hate it. i hate it so much.

i'm a complete and total failure at everything.

I should think a lot of us remember what it was to be 'a teenager' and no, I for one don't think you're an imbecile. Sure age can account for life experience (and even then that depends on the person) but it doesn't mark somebody as stupid or as not being in tune with how they feel.

It is however a time when hormones and growth spurts are happening all over the place and that can be confusing to deal and cope with.

You're not useless, you have plenty of room to learn new skills. If you want to be good at music, then get yourself a guitar or other instrument and practice with it. Don't be hard on yourself as your level of skill is new/fresh, it does take time

I personally used to find walking/cycling helped me to clear my mind. It was a solitary activity I found quiet places with nobody around and it helped to calm me as I could just look around at fields, nature and that sort of thing.

If you aren't talking to a T, it might be useful to look into that as well

Keep posting here when you're feeling low as we care and listen!

Best wishes to you and I hope you have a good day today

thank you! your post made me smile and actually tear up from happiness. it means a lot, really. just, thank you so much.

I have slightly different, but still self-hating, thoughts that come up every now and then. I'll get depressed sometimes feeling like I will never amount to anything, and that I will, in turn, never get the recognition from people for which I have been yearning. I have deep trust issues and self-worth issues. The trust issues make it difficult to acquire friends, which then results in increasing my personal expectations to the extreme (since I feel like these big accomplishments are the only way to get that "connection"). And since the expectations are extreme, I obviously can't meet them, so I then feel worthless.

I'm starting to think that the only way to fix this cycle is to try and open up to people and/or reduce this impermeable shield with which I surround myself.

Have you ever contemplated why you might have these self-loathing thoughts? In my case, I think it stems from not meeting my expectations, which exist to get recognition from others that I can't get directly, which is because I don't trust them, which is probably because I was bullied a lot when I was young.

You're not a failure though , and you're not worthless. I've only just started to realize this for myself. Also YES, music always helps me get through depressive bouts.

Thank you for this.

I believe the self loathing thoughts come from how much of a perfectionist I am. I mean, I remember being in kindergarten and being incredibly picky over my assignments. Possibly part of it has to do with being ignored by most of my peers. I've never been popular and never had friends. Like you, I don't trust people easily. I still have doubts that the friends I have actually care. They do, and I know they do, but there's just this intense doubt in my mind.