[Vetrice]

I just spent some time with a friend I haven't seen since the summer. I was looking forward to seeing him and felt a little nervous since it'd been so long. He's also changed a little since I saw him last in that he's become more socially outgoing. The experience was so stilted, awkward, and just plain silent. I had a hard time making conversation and found myself apologizing for not being my usual self. I have been feeling lonely and uninspired lately, but I haven't been confronted with just how intense those feelings are until tonight.We were doing a "canvas and cocktails" thing (painting while having a glass of wine, except I didn't drink) and I was just utterly disappointed with my painting even though the process was fun. I guess I feel pretty upset about the evening; I apologized for being so dull (*cringe*) and when I got home all I wanted to do was destroy my painting. I ended up throwing it away.

I've since spent a few hours examining how I feel now (not comparing it to how I felt over the summer) and I had an "ah hah" moment...for the past two years my interactions with others have been restricted to work, family, and two people I call friends (tonight's friend included). I feel isolated and have recently looked into meetup.com in order to help meet new people. But aside from that I find myself constantly straining for motivation and end up doing things in such a sub-par way. I'm not challenged at work and I don't have any romantic interests to speak of; basically my only source for entertainment is the internet. Basically I'll put in minimal work to free up time for me to go to my favorite websites. I'm 25 so I guess I'm comparing myself to other people my age, but I've usually been comfortable with the fact that I am an introvert.

Tonight was socially painful and I will admit to breaking down into tears when I got into my car. I'm disappointed that I couldn't turn the evening around and be more (just more), I'm worried my friend regrets hanging out with me, especially compared with his new friends, and I'm worried that I somehow feel numb simultaneously.

I don't know if that's depression or just a strong reaction to a series of feelings. I had to write it down, though, and this forum has been interesting to me for a while so I joined up. If you read this through to the end--thank you.

[gayleggg]

I've been to one of those paint and wine things before. I had a great time but I was by myself. I can see it would be hard to carry on much of a conversation while trying to paint too. Maybe it was just the situation wasn't condusive to chatting with a friend you hadn't seen in a while. I doubt he judged you nearly as harshly as you are judging yourself. Sorry you didn't like how your painting turned out.

I agree with Gayle. We are our own worst critics.
Invite him again. There will most certainly be less awkwardness.

I recently "lost" a very good friend due to lack of contact on my part. Socializing is the last thing I want to do, so I applaud you for going out!

Friendships, just like any relationship, require effort on both parties part.