I am so depressed but my thoughts are disturbing....please help!

I have been severely depressed since my friend died on August 8th, 2013. Then my grand father died September 20th, 2013. And before that in March of 2013, a very close family friend died as well, and that was just as hard to deal with. For a 20 year old, I have endured a lot in my life, but my depression and anxiety was at bay/tolerable I guess. This year I felt like my depression was more severe and my anxiety.

My beautiful friend, whom is named Mikey, was such a sweet and caring person. I had a massive crush on him, but we felt out of touch cause he got a girlfriend, a baby, and a new job (he use to work for my dad) I thought we were going to lead to dating, but then he got a girlfriend, and I actually said to myself "Well you can wait...he's worth it" I seem to fall into the trap of unrequited love.

Well, life moved on, and I feel for another guy, even though my connection was still strong to Mikey...I felt that this guy was so much fun! He was something I really needed in my life, cause my life is dull and depressing, and I felt that he woke me up and made me feel alive, cause of his extroverted, fun, bold and social personality. I was very drawn to that, and I loved that! But then Mikey died and I noticed Jake (the guy I liked) Was really close to Mikey's girlfriend Natalie. They kinda acted like a couple, but I thought I was over analyzing. Well no...Jake started to act very cold about Mikey saying "It was his fault he stuck the needle in his arm. He obviously didn't care about his daughter enough to stay clean." He said way worse things, and I was shocked! Also hurt cause I liked Jake. Bear in mind at that point it was only a month. And he said he felt like it was going to lead to dating with Natalie. So messed up on so many levels! But Natalie is also very cold about Mikey. Jake and Natalie are disgusting! I want them to pay.

So, I find out that Natalie was cheating on Mikey when he was alive with Jake. So...That made me sick! Be loyal if you are going to trap someone with a baby, that is the least she can do. Mikey wanted out of that relationship, but because he grew up with separated parents, that prevented him from going any further with his actions. He numbs the situation instead of helping his situation. But Mikey loved his baby so much. Natalie and Jake were really putting it out there that they are dating and happy. Menawhile they deny it when you ask them. I seriously hate them! I don't know what is wrong with me? I never had so much hate in my heart for someone and I am scared if I am face to face with Natalie, what I will do.

I seriously might get physical with her. I want her world to be crumbled, and I want Jake's world to be crumbled. I want them both to have the most pain in their lives. I feel terrible for thinking that way! I don't know what is wrong with me! Never have I ever been malicious, or thought about getting anyone back. I have always been kind hearted, and sweet....BUT now I feel evil. I want their lives to be ruined. I am thinking so maliciously and it scaring me. I have never had violent tendencies EVER! I don't believe in violence, but yet I am fantasizing about being physical with her and Jake. I am afraid to see them, cause I might lose it. I seriously HATE them, and I don't think it's normal how the way I am thinking?? Please help! Is this normal to be this way? I don't know what to do!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and your grandfather. You've lost a lot of loved ones in a short period of time. I think your grief has you over reacting. I think it would a good idea for you to seek counseling to help get you through this very emotional time before you do something you regret. I understand you feeling angry about your friend being betrayed but avoid confronting the two you are angry with.

These people have obviously betrayed your trust which hurt you deeply. I think it's absolutely normal to think about hurting those who have hurt you as well because it is a way trying to find closure.

What Gayle says is right though. Please try to avoid these people as they will only bring you more trouble. It sounds to me like they will eventually mess up their own lives anyway.
You sound like a very loyal person and moral person; don't let a few jerks change you.