Originally Posted by mulan

I think I'm not going to sleep this night. My head can't stop think the same thing over and over. The same exact words. I enter here and I was thinking how I still feel alone posting here. And when I come out of here, I feel I'm an someone else waking up. Maybe I just feel alone. There are few people that when I see around I feel like saying hi!, but most of the time I just feel like we are all a bunch of people trying to speak at the same time and no one is really listening to each other. Probably this is just how I feel...

I'm listening. If you need a friend I'm here. Tonight, not to try to compare your suffering with mine, but I can't sleep for a good month, the thoughts are racing. I'm sorry you feel alone, I know what that is like for me and can imagine it. You seem to have a strong perception of things. (((mulan)))

[Perfectly Broken]

I've had many episodes last month but things are better now. For some reason, I'm just stuck again tonight. I'm just depressed and I don't care about the progress I've made. I don't want to continue on, I just want to stay in my bed. I feel alone. I hugged my dogs, cuddled my pillows, but I'm just missing someone in my life.

[StarStrike]

Originally Posted by GlassCageOfEmotion

I'm glad you walked. I'm finding it helps with emotional healing. Maybe you could take pictures next time and then look back at them. The art of nature is healing, also, I believe.

Oh, I did take photos. They ended up on my dog's blog. But I look at them and frown, because they aren't nowhere near as beautiful as the sight I actually saw. It makes me question if what I saw was just a lie.

Hey 'air body...been a while!
Doing well.
UPS
Me and the wife are rebuilding our marriage and our family
DOWNS
It's harder than it looks!

Today I feel like doing absolutely nothing. My depression is really bad. I have an appointment with my T but don't even feel like attending. The whole weekend was bad for me. How could things have gotten this way? Nothing really changed except my weekend sucked (except for dinner Friday night) and I had a very hard time feeling un-depressed. When will this end? I'm having a very hard time dealing with these feelings of depression and utter discontent. I hate it when I don't even want to TRY to feel better. It's as though I've given up the chance of feeling better before even trying. I think that's because the past two days have been horrible, for the most part. I need some serious help. Medication, better therapy, something.

Will getting a job help? Sometimes (like today) I feel like that wouldn't even help. It would just be a different way of passing the time, fighting to appear as though I'm a happy, well-adjusted person. F**** everything today.

Thought I was up today, but nope. Still down.

Have a hair appointment over lunch today, though. That should help.

[mulan]

Not a very good day to be in. But I wasn't there. It was really a crappy day thinking backwards. But I just did what I have to do. Sign my presence even I wasn't there. I hope this get better with good amount of sleep. I guess I feel worst when I am alone. Sometimes my depression doesn't seems like anything I would, I just am this way because I am this way. I will try to watch the videotapes from the time I was a baby. I know I just wasn't normal that time, and its hard to find a consistent explanation to that. I think I should write down some concerns to remember to ask my doctor. It was a traveling soul day. I don't like to go through a bunch of thoughts, with diferent ways of feeling. In the morning I was insconciently nervous, I felt I would fall because my legs didn't had enough strength to carry my "weight" and my jaws were shaking badly. Guess I wanted to desapear too. Them I start feeling a pain on my all body and thought I wouldn't even have lunch. After my brother getting home I just got empty enough to go through the motions. I went to college an half an hour earlier, just had to sit like an autistic one in some benches and stayed there. People were just passing, but that was a women that gave me a big look, guess I was looking weird there. More boring classes I'm trying to get some sleep right now. Tired of not existing. Maybe three, four classmates asked I did in my exam. I said to one of. Them I wasn't there, with a smile on my face. She thought I was jocking. I'm annoyed of being wig me.

[StarStrike]

I didn't get much sleep last night. I was trapped in my own thoughts once again. I left the flat in the afternoon, forgetting to take bus money with me. I had to go back. No time to find my purse that I'd misplaced yet again. I just took money straight out of my jar and raced to the bus station. Only just made it there in time. I found it irritating how other students kept asking to see my answers in maths class. Seriously, it wasn't that hard and they always try to copy off me. This is supposed to be a college. But it feels like I'm in a school. Came home... Planned on walking the dog. Ended up eating a packet of crisps instead. I don't know how that happened. I was just distracted. The washing up needs to be done... But right now I don't feel up to it. *Sigh* I wish I could free myself from this demon that's taken hold of me. But the daily battle continues...

[nakitakunai]

Feeling more miserable than usual today. I tried to make plans with a friend of mine who has a birthday coming up (despite her doing absolutely nothing for me on my birthday... I figured it would make me feel better to be the bigger person), texted her about four hours ago and still no response. This is why I almost never ask anyone to hang out with me... I am so intensely afraid of being rejected that I just can't bear to even take that risk. So I usually just wait for them to ask me instead... The one time I do take a chance and ask someone, I get ignored. *sigh* I know I'm overreacting and she will probably reply eventually but she even knows that I am depressed and very sensitive to being (or just feeling like I'm being) ignored, and she still neglects her phone... I'm so frustrated and now I wish I never would have asked.

[mulan]

I'm probably freeking out as usual. As I had said around here that I am a little bit hypocondric. Three years ago I got to a neurology apointment because of my confusion and memory loss. It was a somehow cynical, but for being sure I did a RM to my brain. Well I would rather want to know that everything was ok, even I was thinking I could have some injury in my pre-frontal cortex. Well I found a pineal cyst. The neurologist said it wasn't a problem. But I still worried because its the main gland involved on the regulation of circadian-rytmes. I don't know if it had grown by now. I have been reading or article searching websites that melatonin is involved in depression. I worry this could be a major cause of my ilness and can contribute to same medication resistence. I guess I will never know if I don't check it again. I'm just somehow fearful that even my doctor will take me serious if I ask her.

[Hellion]

Kinda bothered, I feel it is possible someone may have been talking down to me, like I have no intelligence...not sure though.

[mulan]

How many feelings can someone get while going through the day? Is this normal?
My doctor asked me in the last appointment how I knew a thing wasn't normal, I don't remember right know, if I hadn't ask people if they think as me as well. I'm not getting to many luck on the things that make myself think the most. So I wonder if do you feel as this roller-coster as well, know I'm getting again in my lonlyness. I wish it was easy to mingle. I feel jealus and alone when I see two people from who I wanted to be friend, being friends with each other a getting realy well...bahhh. I'm hearing music until feel very sleepy. If I only could brake my fealling of unreality.

[Gigabyte]

Had an alright day. Looking forward to class tomorrow to help distract me. I have to get up pretty early so I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep well.

[SadPam]

I was laid off from my job on February 7, the third layoff since 2007, and by the grace of God, a wonderful temp job came out of nowhere and I was chosen for it after two interviews one week later. I was ecstatic last Friday and over the weekend, but today I have been freaking out and sobbing much of the day; not entirely sure why, feeling overwhelmed that the job starts Wednesday and I feel like I have so much to do beforehand. I am very content being home and don't really want to leave its safety, but without a job I won't have a home. I have so many "corporate scars" that haven't healed, bullying bosses, the injustice and panic and pain of being laid off repeatedly, being betrayed by coworkers, and the evil corporate world in general...it feels like I'm walking right back into just one more painful experience. And admittedly I do wish I could have a little more time at home on unemployment, but the job market is crap and I am over 50, not to mention that when opportunity knocks one better take advantage of it. I'm terrified a depressive episode is coming on and the timing couldn't be worse. Why can't I just be happy and look forward to a new experience? Why do I anticipate the worst in people and situations? Why can't I be normal?? I'm so tired of being a depressive freak.

[StarStrike]

Well, I went to my first CBT session and I've been told I need a full psychological test because there's a high chance I have other problems. Plus my therapist thinks I may have a learning disability which could explain why I failed maths four times. So I'm getting tested for autism/aspergers too... He's worried about me because of the voices, the blind panic where I mentally disappear and when I return I've hurt myself and didn't know what I was doing, the fact that I bite my thumbs without noticing and the fact that SI is my best coping mechanism when I am in control of my actions. I agreed to it because running from my problems is screwing me up worse than ever. I'm scared... But I'm finished with all of the running. I don't want this to be my reality anymore. My life is hell... I procrastinate too much and life is a daily struggle. I want it to change.

[actor]

Very bad today. It is 4:15 AM in California. Back to work today. Anxiety and depression have escalated. I hope I can get through the day. All I want to do is sleep. Forever.

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[herethennow]

upon reaching home from work today i was in shambles... in a wreck.. started crying (which is kinda good since i havent been able to cry) and the racing negative thoughts never seemed to stop.. that "i was useless, i'm the one to blame, i should go" kinda thing. is starting to si again and sui thoughts are on a rampage. pdoc + T is a long time away and i don't want to see them again for anytime soon. never.

it all boils down to this, huh? either i'm feeling confused, or feeling super down? never okay...

Have a job interview in about 2 hours, and surprisingly my nervousness is not too bad. It's all the crap that I have to do AFTER the interview that I'm worried about getting done (pharmacy, grocery store, cooking). Not sure if I'll go to the AA meeting today with the other stuff I have to get done.

[recentdiscovery]

Have Depression Treatment Class today, looking forward to it since it always seems to help. Recovering from a terrible time yesterday, just feel kind of numb today, maybe more emotion than my brain could handle for a while, not sure.

So much to do at work and I could care less, I should get to it though and help get my mind off my life for a minute. Working on acceptance but having a hard time with it.

[nakitakunai]

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm feeling better than usual today. I'm even thinking about exercising and starting on the dirty dishes that have been piling up for weeks. And, I finally heard back from my friend I texted yesterday, and we made plans for later this week, so all is forgiven!