Not sure if I need help

Hi, I am a 31 year old student living with my fiancé who is worried about me and thinks my mood is very out so sorts. I am normally a cheerful, optimistic person with a very can-do attitude, but for the last month I have not been feeling myself at all. I started at university 2 months ago after being made redundant from my job and packing in my business as it was failing. I was excited about university and saw it as a new start but the course is very intense. I am not sure whether my depressive mood has been triggered by the stress of university or by life as a whole.

My fiancé and I do struggle with money which I know a lot of people can identify with. He is a very big worrier and I have always been the strong one in the relationship, fixing problems and saying it will be ok. Lately though I haven't been able to cope with the pressure of all his worries and my own. I am doing ok at Uni, but I find the work hard and I haven't been able to make any friends. I find it hard to make friends as I don't have very general interests with others, mine are fairly unique and they are all 10 years younger than me. I probably don't make the effort to be honest and I don't like making myself vulnerable to strangers and telling them how I feel, hence why this site is so wonderful for people like me.

I'm not really sure what is going on in my head anymore. I keep having these thoughts of disappearing off somewhere where no one knows me or can bother me. I keep thinking I'm going to fail Uni when I'm doing well, I don't know why I feel so inadequate and like I'm a fraud for being there. I have noticed that I have lost my empathy, things that would normally upset me don't anymore. Sometimes I realise it and it scares me as I know that's not me, other times I just don't care. I am having a terrible time sleeping, often not getting to sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning. When I do wake I feel dead to the world and I have no desire to get up. I like my bed as no one bothers me there. I have no desire to study, even the prospect of exams coming up don't scare me into studying. The things I used to love doing no longer fill me with joy or even bring a smile to my face, I just feel numb inside. I'm not as house proud as I once was and I'm even not caring whether the dogs have a walk or not.

I know none of this is right, it's not who I am but I don't know what to do. I have always been strong and able to just get on with things and I am so confused as to why I am feeling like this, it's horrible.

I have never told anyone before, not even my fiancé, but I did used to self harm when I was a teenager. I was badly bullied at a very academic school where I used to feel like the class dunce. I was deeply unhappy there. Not sure if that is of any relevance as I have not done anything like that since and never sort any help for it.

Sorry for such a long post. I think it had helped a little by writing it all down.

Hello, Maru Maru. You are describing a depressive episode, and many things in the more distant past, the recent past and the present could all be feeding it.

Does your university offer counselling and/or health services?

No need to worry about the length of the post. This is material you may want recorded for future use in formal or informal treatment.

Yes they do, I was thinking of going in tomorrow to see if I could make an appointment to see someone. Perhaps I just need to talk to someone who can help put things in perspective for me?

I hope you can find some help there. It helped me a lot when I was in school.