[shay123]

I felt like this for a long time... as long as I can remember. At least from my early teenage years. I try and act normal but its hard. Every once and a while I have good days or good periods where I forget how depressed I feel.
Its funny how on the outside my life seems alright. I have a good job, good friends, good family, and a fit body. Yet somehow how I "should" feel and how I do feel do not align.
Working often helps. It takes my mind off myself. I try and keep busy because when i'm with myself in my own thoughts it hurts. It feels like there is a lead weight in my chest. I cry at random times, end of movies even if they are happy endings. I sleep like **** but I usually go to bed early in the hopes that tomorrow will be a little better.
I work as a medic. Fast paced and intense. It keeps my mind busy and when my mind is busy, briefly I forget how much it hurts.
Sometimes I think about killing myself though I NEVER would...I just think about it. I think about how easy it would be to not drive around the corner, to jump in front of a car or off a cliff. I imagine it but I would NEVER actually do it. I would never and could never cause harm to myself.
I hear working out is suppose to be a great natural antidepressant but it doesn't work that well. I'm in extremely good shape and I work out a few times a week as well as having a very physical job.
I like my work. I think I like my work because I deal with life and death on a regular basis. I save lives. Maybe because it's easier to save someone else's life than my own. To see someone in a bad place and to be able to pull them back from the brink of disaster. I can't do it for myself, but I can do it for others. I give my life away, so others can live. It seems selfless but I can do it because I care so little for my own life. So what if something happens to me? If something does, maybe it will stop the enduring pain of this life. It hurts so much and there is no way to assuage it. A cut heals, blood clots time leaves just a scar. But emotional pain, the depression that life has no point, there is no way to cure it. Make it go away.
I can't talk to someone in real life. I don't think that anyone knows I feel like this...I'm good at hiding it. I can't take drugs...I won't take drugs. I can't have depression for one of my jobs...it's a disqualifier.
writing this out helps a little, getting it off my chest...I don't know how to make it better.
I think maybe I need some words.

[Sam2]

Shay, like it or not, I think you need to see someone. Everyday you deal with other people's pain and death. That is a lot to absorb. Even if you don't get emotionally involved, it has to be weighing on you.

Psychiatrists and psychologists have their own therapists for that reason. They deal with the worst depression, suicide, abuse etc. To deal with that, they see their therapists. There is no shame in that. What would be a shame would be someone who helps others burning out because they had no outlet to deal with what they see and hear on a daily basis.

No, most of us don't know how you feel. We aren't in your position. I'm a veterinarian, and I can tell you first hand that when we have a period of time during which there were several animals I couldn't help and have had to deal with owners overcome by grief, it takes a toll on me. I've even had clients tell me that if I can't fix their pet, they will commit suicide.

Oncologists, pain management specialists, all who work with people's pain get into that same rut. Many wind up leaving because the emotional toll wrecked marriages, caused depression and just wiped them out.

Think about it at least.

Sam2

[Fuzzybear]