Its daunting when its laid out like that.

What do you do when you've lost any joy or happiness that you once felt in life. That may sound melodramatic and extravagant. It may sound like its coming from a girl who is just on a low and is just sulking in the moment and without a doubt, that's exactly what I would have thought a while ago. But right now to be honest no matter how many times I'm lifted out of this haze of depression and brought into happiness and a sense of well being it just doesn't seem to cancel out the sadness anymore because when I sit down and think about it what's the point of me feeling any form of positivity because it never seems to last. It's a hard thing to express in words. It's a feeling and something you know, well I know, can't be cured by a pill ect. It feels like if I were to look at myself when I was younger the happiness would be the permanent thing and the sadness would be the once in a while inconvenience, but know thats been completly reversed, and each time it hits now, the depression or whatever, I find it so much harder to deal with it. I've developed so much hate towards myself because of it too. It brings back so many bad things from the past. I think the worst thing about it is the fact that I can't see myself getting out off this cycle of happy, sad, happy, sad, it's who I'm becoming and I'm trying really hard to ignore that fact but when I'm alone and start to think about it all it just hits you like a punch in the chest. I seriously have no clue which emotions to trust anymore, whether I'm the happy girl who enjoys the simple things or the girl who can't cope anymore. I have no idea.. So I guess I've laid that out there for myself but where do I go from there is where my knowledge ends really, so I guess I'm stuck, hopefully just for know.

Some (many?) people might describe it as melodramatic and extravagant, but I cannot. I struggle with much the same: a severely impaired ability to experience life.

May you spend more time happy than sad, Cailin Caillte.

what a great description of depression. I have'nt been able to put words to describe how this feels. It is a gut wrenching greif feeling, maybe we grieve for our own life, which has somehow slowly become absent, bit by bit.

Yes, this is the perfect description. Unfortunately most people won't get it without being depressed. You're not alone here, many of us feel it.

Do figure out what helps improve your mood, maybe even with the help of a t.
(exercise? involvement in an activity? structure?---these are some of the things that many of us have less of as we get older...) And, depression is a real illness, like any other---don't discount the meds, if you try other things without results. All I know is that my mood doesn't change till my behavior changes----and, it took me forever to accept, consider, I do need an antidepressant and anxiolytic to keep my head above water enough to keep on going when I feel that I can't take it anymore.

Thanks for posting " my mood doesn't change until my behavior changes."
That makes lots of sense.

Please know you are not alone in this.
Are you getting help for it?

This time of year can be especially hard.

take care,

keep talking to us.

I understand everyting you said, even though, I have very few happy moments anymore. I had a couple of good days last month. I had hope I was coming out of it only to fall back into the pit.

we'll throw you a rope down and haul you out of the pit!