[idunno85885]

My life reminds me of a mirror that got shattered into a million different fragments. My childhood doesn't even feel connected to me, I have all the memories but it's distant like a dream, or maybe it was somebody else, and I have to think hard to recall any specific memories. It's extremely distressing unsettling to think back on the memories. Other parts of my life too, seem to have sections, like I begin one period of my life and then I start a new chapter and it's like I become something else. there has only been a few major breaks, One specifically after a nasty breakup. And I'm going through this feeling again right now, I feel detached and uneasy, everything I thought I liked and enjoyed and even alot of my friends now makes me feel sick. Everything about my past makes me feel sick and uneasy, I feel so disconnected from all the memories. I don't feel whole. And I've realized how empty and lifeless I've been for awhile. What is wrong? It's really uncomfortable, how do I fix it? I feel like my entire life is just missing

[spondiferous]

Hey there. Welcome to PC. It's too bad nobody picked up on this thread earlier. I have experienced what you are describing. I just experienced really intensely about a year ago now, exactly. All of a sudden my spiritual path stopped meaning anything to me. I had to disengage myself from my spiritual community. I couldn't talk to any of my friends. I just had nothing to say anymore, and I didn't even want to bother trying. For weeks I didn't answer my phone or make any calls. I dropped out of a lot of my therapies. Some good came out of it though. I started taking a look at what I really wanted and needed. I have a theory. It's not an easy one. Sometimes there are these shifts you mention. I think for some of us, we're a little more tuned in than others and so we feel it more deeply, hence the discomfort, confusion, anxiety, depression when these changes occur. Life is a current. It's not static. So I think it's reasonable to expect these shifts. It's just learning how to ride them out and discover new meaningful things when, for example, I feel bereft when suddenly everything I care about no longer means anything to me. It's a scary feeling. The last time took me a few months to get out of, and I had to be really patient, with myself and with the process. I still get bitter sometimes. I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it any further.

[mulan]

I can relate with you. I somehow feel the same way. It seems like I had never lived my entire life. Old memories are hard to recover and they don't come with the feelings, they become only facts memories. But it's not only my distanct past that doesn't seem to be mine. The yestarday, this morning the last hour...everything seems to be lived in a diferente life, not by me. And in the middle of all this I feel like I had never exist. All my life feels like a dream...because I don't have energy, because I feel disconected, because I can't get in touch with reality, because I can't get my feet on the ground, because there seems to be no consequences or past or future, and because I can't stop dreaming. Almost everything I know about me isn't real. My life isn't anything else more than imagination. I imagine who I am, what I want, what I will be, what I want to be...and most of the time any of those things are real... I also imagine who the other people are. I can't put on the things' concepts what they really are. So it turns out that I am allways getting disapointed about me, but any of those times I really care, my imaginary feelings start to take place and I lose contanct with what I realy felt.
Sometimes that is good, because, as it been happening to me almost everyday, when something bad happens, I just wait the real memory to go away. when it is there it feels awfawl, but then it goes away and I feel almost normal. And then when I wake up in the morning I feel good about myself... But in order to feel good I have to avoid contact with reality, contact with other people, I have to avoid everything and I do that inconsciently, without noticing. It is of this that dreams are made of. So I get in my computer, in my bed, with my series, with my games...with things that don't demand you to think, and I feel ok. I lose contact with the real me and I Forget my problems...I realy Forget them I think I'm hapy. In order of this I'm allways looking for things that helps me to Forget about my life. I love to hear other people funny stories. I get excited any time someone ask me to do something that feels like a light fun activity, I look for anything that will make me laugh. But I do these without noticing. I also have these problema with thinking. I have a huge dificult with remembering things but also with thinking straight and connecting facts, it's hard for me to think, I get lost in my thaughs, they go away easily.
And then, sometimes, when reality knocks at the door to make feel bad and realize I can't have a future, because I don't have a realy life (Forget what was going to say)... Well everything seems distanct to me, the other people, my life, my soul, my past, my future, I just survive in this sand castle. Most of the times I don't have nothing to say, and I just talk to people if they talk to me and make me think about something. If they catch me before I have noticed them I talk as a reflex, saying things otherwise I wouldn't say. But if they caught me in a time when I have already talk to someone and I am feeling bad, my words get stucked and I can't think of anything to say and everything I say feels so fake to me.
All this disconection with myself also makes change my opinions constantly in a matter of minutes or seconds and I don't know how to feel about things, and worst of that, I don't know as a person, how I react to things, what my personality is. It has happens to me so many times, almost allways, think I want something, and I will react someway. And then when the moment comes I react in a completly diferente way and I realize I like or dislike something and way. But the dream fall into me quickly. And in a matter of time I just have a foggy memory that I don't liked something...But I already don't feel as I don't like it and I can't remembre way I don't like it.
Don't know if you feel like me, but I hope my experience helps you accept and understand yours.