I'm new to this forum, I'm 27, and I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 19. A few months later two doctors gave a second opinion and diagnosed me with major depression, which I feel was much more accurate, yet no less disheartening. I mean, I used to have energy and feel great as a teenager, but a shift happened my second year of college. I took the year off of college, I didn't have a job, I had mono plus the depression. All I did was sleep for months. I was basically like a bear in hibernation. I lost friends because I didn't even want to answer the phone. Nor did I have the energy.

Recently I was labeled with dysthymia, which is really no different than depression. Whatever you call it, I feel horrible the majority of the time. I honestly TRY to make myself feel better. But it just never sticks.

Society has me convinced that what I experience internally, this anguish, is a personality defect. I feel inept and worthless most of the time. Not to mention I have anxiety, and I get panic attacks about the dumbest things, plus I have attention deficit disorder. ADD is tough. The very word, "deficit" is demeaning.

Anyway, I joined this forum because I feel really alone. I don't like to go out. I've gained some weight... about 25 pounds this past year, which makes me feel even worse about myself than usual. I graduated college with just an associate degree, but I've struggled in my career. Every job I've had in my field has led me to experience severe panic attacks. And its so hard to keep my energy up for 8 hours every day. Working 9-5 is so normal for some people. For me, it feels like waking up every day to run a 26 mile marathon, and then do it again the next day. It kills me. I am so tired all the time. I'm in major debt and I can't even hold a job in my field. Who would't feel worthless?

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life. I'm in my 20's... I'm surrounded by people getting married, buying houses, becoming VP's of their company, wealthy and successful. I was successful for awhile. I mean, I managed to graduate college and make a life for myself on my own for awhile. Then I had to move to find a job and it all fell apart. I think I have regressed backwards and all the progress I made over the years to heal and manage my mental health has crashed and burned. I won't even go into further detail besides, well, I have nothing, and I feel like a nobody. I know, I'm giving in to self-pity today. I just need someone to relate to. Someone who understands this.

If you read all that. Thank you. I guess I had more to say than I thought

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Lindeelee.

You have depression (of some sort; the label is a lesser matter), your circumstances are "depressing," and the world is broadcasting "worthlessness" at you.

Originally Posted by lindeelee

I guess I had more to say than I thought

And if you have more, please continue. Make yourself at home.

[Fuzzybear]

[gayleggg]

Welcome to Psych Central. It's a great place to talk about feelings where other people understand. Glad you found us.

[willis...]

I think the title of your post really sums it up - "I don't want to be like this anymore". This is a BIG step.

In my own experience with depression, it wasn't until I woke up to how it was holding me back from the things I want in life as well as appreciating what I already had in my life. Once I told myself, "I don't want to be like this anymore" my recovery started. Recovery is a process and has ups and downs, but you need that internal inspiration to change. With that it is possible.

Good Luck!

[herethennow]

Hi lindelee, welcome to PC!

I guess I feel the same way too.. due to my mental health I'm a few steps backwards from my friends... my friends are due to graduate from college, and here I am still in my foundation. But I guess that's the price we have to pay...

The fact that you don't want to be in this state proves something. How's your relationship with your pdoc? Are you in T? I find T very helpful, especially since we're struggling.

Hoping you can find the support you need

Thanks for your replies everyone.

My treatment and recovery process was going great until I had to move and change jobs, then had an issue with health insurance so I had to go off my cymbalta, which I had been on for years. I pretty much crashed and burned without my meds and regular doctors. I know longer have my great support system of friends either... because of moving. And its been hard to meet people since I went off my meds and anxiety/depression symptoms worsened. The good news is I finally found a good doctor who is smart and wants to see my get better and get a job again. She put me back on cymbalta and adderall, which I have been on for two weeks now.

Its just hard feeling like I was doing so well, to only have it all come crumbling down. I'll get back to where I was, health wise. It will just take a lot of time and hard work, which feels so overwhelming right now. I guess thats why we have to take it one day at a time, right?

Thanks again for the support. Hugs to you all

[Zooropa9]

Hi Lindeelee. You are NOT worthless. Your value is NOT based on your job or personal success. You were made by God for God. He loves you more than you can imagine! FYI, everyone struggles with disappointment and heartache. It's a part of life.

First - WELCOME. Sorry that you sound like you are struggling at this time.

I wish I was better as intelligent words... insightful words that would heal. I do not have that ability - so I "try" humor. So, in that sense..... I can not blame you for being depressed - you live in Minnesota - the Vikings must have that effect on a lot of you.

GO PACK GO!!



Hope I made you smile just a little..........