[penguinsing]

It's not because of being busy for Christmas.
Somehow this month, has been a very very harsh, rough month.
I've been having many explode and break down.

I've tried my best.

At the same time, no matter how I give warning, there's always that last straw on the camel's back.

I am hurt so badly. I wish I don't exist. It's all too much, too much.....

[Sam2]

That is a horrible feeling. When you are on the fence between holding it together an losing it, any little thing seems like a major problem. I find it a frightening place to be. You never know what is going to happen or if you will be able to find your way back if you do lose it.

Being busy with Christmas may not be the major contributor, but I think the holiday season makes things harder simply because it is a reminder that you don't feel happy at a time when you should, if you don't have family it reminds you of that. The feeling of being alone is worse. Sometimes there are guilty feelings because you are supposed to be interacting and enjoying yourself, yet you don't feel like it and it shows.

You didn't mention if you have a therapist. If not, are you open to seeing one?
It sounds like you need someone right now, probably more than once a week.
If you have ever felt like you do now, try to remember that you came out of it last time. Your depression probably didn't go away, but the strength of the feeling of flying apart probably lessened. If you have someone who is close to you, let them know that you are in a bad place right now and need them near. Its strange how you can have several people in your life and still feel completely isolated, but its also true at times.

Hang in there.
Sam2

[gayleggg]

I find December to always be hard on our emotions even if it doesn't seem to present any major issues. Hope you have a better January..