[LaKasha]

Hey All,

I’m new to the forums and I guess I’m here because I could do with getting some things off my chest. And to ask for some advise.

A little about me – I am 28 years old, have suffered from depression/dysthymia throughout my life. I have never actually been diagnosed as I have never sought professional help. I guess I have always felt too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel – this includes my friends. Since I have never been through a major depressive episode (thankfully), I guess I have also never felt truly entitled to help since there are so many people out there who are far worse off than I am. I am the world’s best actor – I act cheerful around my friends and they don’t know how I feel.

Anyway, enough about me... This is actually about a good friend of mine, but I needed to share some of my own background information. My friend moved in with me temporarily a couple of months ago. He and his former housemate decided to part ways and my friend needed somewhere cheap to stay for a while, in order to get himself out of debt and afford the deposit for a place of his own. This is not something that was easy for me – I want to live on my own – but he is a friend and needed help.

It all went well at the start, in recent weeks however my friend has withdrawn A LOT. He spends most of his time in his room, barely goes out or interacts with me (or others). Luckily he still goes to work but he is on annual leave at the moment, which I think is probably not doing him much good. At least when he has work, his life has “structure” and he just about manages to motivate himself to get out of bed, something that he is currently not doing. At the moment, when I get home from work at around 6pm, he will still be in bed sleeping or watching TV. He will then get up at some point during the evening in order to go to the shops – to get beer or other alcohol. He barely eats and seems very “down”. I have tried talking to him the last few days but he refused to talk about how he feels. In a nutshell, I think he is going through a (major) depressive episode and I am extremely worried about him.

His former flatmate (his best friend) feels the same way and he came around last weekend to get my friend out of his room – just to leave the house for a bit and talk etc. I thought that this was a good idea, but unfortunately it all ended up in a bit of a mess. They did go out together, but unfortunately they went drinking. When my housemate came back home, he was very, very drunk. He was shouting at me in quite an aggressive manner, and the majority of things he said were hurtful and some of them very incoherent. I know some of this was the alcohol (he is a bit of a ‘nightmare drunk’), and some of it the depression.

The only good thing that came out of this was that he finally admitted to me that he is depressed (something he hadn’t really done before). He told me things like that he has nothing to live for, that everything is “sh*t”, that he “can’t be bothered with anything anymore” etc. etc. There were a lot of tears. The whole episode left me feeling scared for him and I explained to him that I think that he needs medical help and I asked him to make a doctor’s appointment. I made it clear to him that he is my friend, that I will always be there for him and that I want to help. I offered to make the appointment for him and I offered to come with him if that would make him feel more comfortable. He agreed that he needs professional help but he does not feel ready to see a doctor.

I am not really sure where to go from here. I am scared that he might hurt himself – maybe I am just being overdramatic (I tend to worry a lot, in general), but the fear is there. If I am honest, I don’t think I am the best person in the world to support him through this. This makes me feel like a terrible friend but I am barely able to keep my own depression under control. I can’t/don’t want to tell him how I am feeling because this is not about me – it’s about him – and I don’t want him to feel that I am trying to make this about myself. The last few weeks really dragged me down and I am feeling exhausted as I am constantly worried about him. I guess I am also feeling guilty – I ignored the warning signs which were there for a few months. During our talk last night he mentioned that he doesn’t feel like I was a good friend since I didn’t see the signs. I did – I guess I just chose to ignore them to make my life easier. As I mentioned before, I tend to keep things in and don’t share with anyone how I feel. This is the way I deal with depression – on my own – and I guess I was hoping that he did things the same way. Helping him through this is tough on me and I can’t/don’t want to tell him why. At the same time, I did feel somewhat resentful last night when I was being accused of being a bad friend – seeing how he never noticed any of the “warning signs” in me either. As I said, I am a good actor, but you can’t act 24/7 when you live with somebody.

Sorry, I know this post is very long – I guess I really needed to get things off my chest.

As for the advise I need...

1) How do you ‘make’ a depressed friend seek professional help? I don’t think me constantly bringing it up would do any good as he tends do the exact opposite if he feels that he is being nagged.

2) How do you help a depressed friend when you are struggling with depression yourself? I know that having been through it yourself probably gives you a better idea of what the other person is going through. At the same time however, I feel that my energy is draining rapidly, and coping with his depression is making my own worse. Him being drunk and, as a result, somewhat aggressive last night is not something I can easily tolerate either. He left me physically shaking after shouting at me (I tend to get somewhat anxious in these situations).

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read all of this – sorry it’s so long. I am feeling so worried and useless at the moment and I just don’t know what to do :-(

Kasha x

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, LaKasha.

Originally Posted by LaKasha

...I explained to him that I think that he needs medical help and I asked him to make a doctor’s appointment. I made it clear to him that he is my friend, that I will always be there for him and that I want to help. I offered to make the appointment for him and I offered to come with him if that would make him feel more comfortable.

One Opinion: Excellent! You have done - and offered - what you can reasonably do for your friend. The rest is up to him. With that, your priority is to remain personally safe and stable.

Please be careful for you own safety. Compromising that hurts both of you.

Make yourself at home here, LaKasha.

[smmath]

First of all welcome to PC.

I think that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. The stronger you become and deal with your own depression, the better you will be able to help your friend.

As for your friend I would have a serious conversation about what is going on with him and what options are out to help him get better--when he is sober. I would also give him the spiel about how mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope I helped, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk

[herethennow]

Hi LaKasha, welcome to PC!

I don't really have the answers. But like what others have said, it is important for you to take care of yourself. No use taking of others when in the end you find yourself tired thereafter, right? I know this sounds harsh, but ultimately.. self-care is not equal to selfish. My T spent weeks ingraining that in me. I've been in the same shoes as you.. I had to take care of a friend who was threatening suicide everyday and it wore me out till I ended up in the hospital too.

The decision to seek help is ultimately up to himself. He can enact the change. Change won't happen if you drag him to help.. I believe that when a person wants to start treatment out of his own will, then recovery process could start.

Take care! If you think you need professional help yourself, go for it! You don't need to be 'mentally ill' per se to go talk to a professional

[LaKasha]

Just a quick note to say thanks for your responses, they helped a lot