Trying to understand myself better

I dont know where I should post it but I guess it might belong here .

I dont feel depressed I am just ...I am trying to understand my thoughts better ..

I am almost all the time in a numb state .. I just wait for the next thing to happen ..and time to pass ..

I dont remember when it was the last time I was genuinely happy . I really forgot how it feel not to worry about something
Even if I receive some good news I am happy for a short while then I go back to my state ...Of course I laugh at jokes or a good movie but this never lasts ..I really wonder how happy people feel ..
I am constantly thinking that there are people suffering around the world and that upsets me ..I am jealous of other s people happiness ..not because I am not happy myself ( Or is it cause of this ? ) but I just think while this people are happy some people from another place are suffering constant pain , betrayal etc .

Also I am trying to keep a positive attitude about my future but there are many times when I think i should just would go into a coma or accident and then be left unable to move or something ( maybe this is a excuse so I dont have to try and fail ? )
I dont trust people and my only real friend is very far away .. so im just left around me with people that I dont really like or that I consider very immature or dumb ... also I guess they feel that and they dont call me as often as before anymore ( they were calling me much often before I started ignoring them a bit )

I imagine having a nice relationship with a girl , but for some reason I also imagine that she will cheat me and I ll end up doing something to her ( I keep loyalty in high regards )

Sometimes when I drive I get high boosts of energy and I drive very dangerously ( but I do feel totally focused when I do this , feel like nothing can go wrong ) , once that energy ends I feel nothing again .

Also I noticed that All that I wrote above happens when I am alone with my thoughts mostly .

This is it for now , I will come back later If I remember something

Pretty similar too how i feel. That numb state....waiting for time to pass....all those thoughts and feelings....happiness?....no friends near you.... All Sucks.

I feel your... non-feeling. Sometimes life just seems like a big waitlist for happiness, where you just keep getting cut in front of. All you can do is remember that the nothingness doesn't last forever (if you're religious, you could think of it like the universe's creation within you ). It always feels like far too long, but no matter how long you're waiting you can always be sure you won't wait forever.

Thanks for hugs guys ... is this labeled as depression or something else ? or nothing at all

Who am i to label?!