is this it?

Apologies if this is out of place.

Life only seems to be interesting if one is doing something to attain more control over the environment. You do things like trying to get a job, a house, friends, a wife, etc, because being in motion and making progress feels good.

But when you stop, when you've gotten what you wanted, or even worse, when you don't want anything, what is there to life?

Doesn't seem to be much.

I don't have many goals and I'm pretty apathetic to things. I've tried forcing myself to do things, many activities and many iterations of that activity, to try to spark some sort of Pavlovian reaction in myself. Doesn't work. I can't be trained in that manner.

My nature is to take things as they come, and this includes what motivates me. I cannot make myself want long-term things, I can't even want medium-term things. I have to chase after whatever is currently dangling on a stick in front of me.

I could be happy if I was in an environment that allowed me to endlessly chase my curiosity, but such places are few and far in between in the first place. More importantly, living this way makes life a living hell, because I have social anxiety, yet get my contentment and zest for life by those short-term commitments with people and for people. It is hard to care about doing something if it isn't relation to someone else. I am not very ambitious.

I have done this, lived through emotional torment and been parts of things that are so common as to make living this way really not worth it.

On the other hand, I am apathetic towards my own life, towards my own goals. Life becomes boring quickly, and doesn't really let up.

So I'm stuck between living a life subject to low-level, but maddeningly persistent depression and apathy, or living a life subject to torturous anxiety.

So the title of the thread says it all. Is this it? What would you do if you were in my situation? Keep in mind that I've taken medication and done the counseling route for both problems. Both failed, so I developed my own wisdom about the subject, however, I am still trying to solve the mystery of getting where I need to be, with only minor success.