[WantWhoICan'tHave]

Basically what happened was that I was feeling OK (by my standards, since I haven't been happy in a long time), and then I get a notification from Facebook. My long-time crush, who lives and is studying at one of Mexico's top universities, and with whom I haven't spoken to since last March, had sent me a "poke".

A simple thing like that has caused me to take a substantial step back in how I was feeling. I have not seen him since New Year's in 2013 when I had confessed to him that I had had a crush on him since I met him on New Year's 2011 (he is a friend of a cousin). I live in California and he lives in Mexico.

Anyway, I sent him a message saying hi, that I had received a notification of a "poke", I asked him if this was an accident and if there was anything he needed. His response seemed pretty ignorant or careless. I had told him before how difficult it was for me to try to be his friend, that I couldn't stand to see him with someone else, that I can't be with him.

He just happened to see an old "poke" of mine on Facebook, decided to return it and say hi since he hadn't seen me in December (when we usually would see each other in Mexico, I didn't go there for Christmas).

I told him I hope he's doing well, etc. His reply didn't answer my questions and he didn't ask how I was doing or make any other effort of conversation. I replied that I had indeed gone to Mexico this New Year's, not on Christmas, as he erroneously wrote, told him again how it's hard for me to try to be his friend, and I got the gall to ask him how he thought I would feel seeing something from him after such a long time, or if he had thought nothing when he did that. I then wrote that I am glad that it seems he is doing fine. I sent him that on Monday at 2:40. As I write this, it's half an hour until Friday and I have not gotten a response. It says at the bottom of the message "Seen Mon 3:28 pm).

The reminder that I can't be with him, that he said he liked me too, and then doesn't quite act like it, just hurts. What am I living for? I still want him so much even though he hasn't responded. He had said before that I had a right to think and feel what I want without anyone trying to change that.

Should I still write to him again asking if he read my message?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, WantWhoICan'tHave.

Relationship questions go beyond me, but I would like to ask how your feelings have been affecting your life? Apart from the effects of these recent communications, what is "feeling OK by my standards?"

For reference: Relationships & Communication forum

[Fuzzybear]

[WantWhoICan'tHave]

Sorry for the delay in answering, the morning after I posted my modem wasn't working properly. Also, thank you for pointing me in the direction of the R&C forum.

My feelings have affected my life in the sense that I find it hard to even enjoy the little things. If there's something exciting going on, if I go to a nice place, etc., I find myself wishing he was there with me.

What I meant by "feeling OK by my standards" is that I'm not happy in the way most people are, but I wasn't fantasizing about ways I could die or crying myself to sleep.

I hate that, I don't want to be dependent on someone else for my happiness. All this because of some boy, ugh. I'm not living, I just breathe for another day because my survival instinct is still winning out by a hair...and because I'm hesitant to inflict such pain upon my family. I am fighting with myself.