[mulan]

Birthdays are so wonderfull, specially when you are the one that has to blow the candles...just hated it. Bad day at school. Life that seems like I never had lived and so one...many thoughts.
The best part was when my family was around the table celebrating and I just felt like I wasn't there. All the time I feel like I am not real and I don't exist. But there are times worst than others. I almost forget I had to blow the candles and when I realize that and I did I was with my head so far away that I accidentaly burned my hair...it had flames...just amazing.
And people all laughing and making it a big deal and trying to shear me up, and giving me presents because they care about me. And it didn't meant nothing to me, and it make me think that those people "liked" someone that don't exist. I don't realy care about them I don't deserve nothing that they gave me. I became so mechanical that I almost forgot to say thank you to my mother, just some minutes later. They put so much effort on seing me happy and I am just a cold person as one of those people who "like" me said yesterday.
I wasn't capable to smile and say I liked the gifts, and it would sound so fake if I told it.
Just one of that days that you realize you are colinding ???? with your future and the most I try to have a future the worst I feel. It seems like I never will be able to complete college or have a job. Because any social contact makes me feel bad.

[Rohag]

Happy birthday, Mulan!
I'm sorry depression robbed you of the ability to enjoy your party.
The feeling of being disconnected from one's own life is terrible.

It seems like I never will be able to complete college or have a job.

Perhaps, in your current state, you do not have the emotional energy to concern yourself with things that far away. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

[mulan]

Thank you

Please try to be gentle with yourself.[/QUOTE]
I try but its realy hard.

[Frankbtl]

I agree entirely with the above!! Feeling the way you do absolutely doesn't have to say that you're a "cold" person it does sound a lot more like depression to me.
Try not to think about others or how you're coming across to them quite as much and pull the focus in on YOU and how you're feeling. It's how you're feeling that's the most important things here.
Is there anything that's happened to contribute to how you're feeling, is it just everything or is it just you and this? Maybe pinning things down and working on a way past may help? I do know that that can be a lot easier said than done but maybe a starting point/some starting points could help a little?
As for thinking about your future I'm sure that can seem pretty bleak when you're feeling like this, but how far ahead are you looking?? Maybe it would help if you looked just a little bit closer to the "now" and ways that may help you improving how you feel, or even shorter term goals and things that might help just a bit in reaching them.
Maybe have a think about smaller steps you can take/ even half steps you can take and very gradually.........So just for now college, jobs......don't matter!! It's YOU that matters much more. And little steps........?
If you want to talk more...........
Alison