Normal teenage thing or not?

Sorry if this has any typos, I'm on mobile.

Background: I'm 15 and I'm currently diagnosed with OCD and other anxiety problems. I'm not in therapy and not intending to go back because my parents speak for me and then make fun of me and won't take my diagnoses seriously outside of therapy. I'm seeing a therapist that comes to my school once a week, but my parents don't know because I don't want them to and I can't see the therapist all the time because other kids need him more than I do. This topic is just to see if what I'm feeling is serious or just normal teenage hormones, so I'm sorry if this comes off as self-diagnosing or something.

Basically, I'm sad all the time. Sometimes I'll be excessively bubbly when I talk about things I love, but even in the moments I'm not talking I'm just sad. I started feeling sad when I was ten and five years later I'm even more sad. Sometimes it gets bad and nothing can break me from this stupor I get in and I pretend I be happy but that just makes it worse. If I'm not sad, I'm just hollow. My happiness is only skin-deep and short lived.

Some weeks are worse than others, but one thing that remains constant is irritability. There are days where everything just sets me off and I get in such a bad mood so easily. Peers make me mad, the Internet makes me mad, hearing my family members talk make me mad, the whole world makes me mad. I tend to shut down especially when I get very sad or irritable or stressed, and people constantly pestering me overwhelm me and cause me to explode and then treat me badly while I cry.

Speaking of which, I'm always crying. Sometimes I push everything I'm working on in school to the side and I'll start crying on my desk. Every little criticism, helpful or not, just sets off his self-loathing and I cry like a baby at least three times a week on my particularly good weeks. I tend to cry at least once a day and one time I realized how strange it was that crying was such a familiar thing to me since fifth grade. I'm not a particularly emotional person, but I always cry and I don't know why sometimes.

But I'm really apathetic towards people. Ever since I was little I've been ignored and shunned and rejected, and because of it I get super scared talking to people first and I can't make eye contact. I can't socialize and have awful interpersonal skills. I'm often so lonely that it physically hurts my chest to a point where I can't breathe, but I always isolate myself in my little room from everyone. My room is my only safe place and I spend around 12-15 hours in there most days. Even if I wasn't scared I'm also extremely apathetic towards people and it bothers me a lot. I've tried changing myself and I try to be interested in others but I really can't do it and I'm called selfish for it. I really hate it when no one will understand that I'm permanently stuck like this but no one will take the time to listen.

I always just really hate myself and I regret everything I do and I always just feel bad for everything. There's no hope for me and there's no happy future and every day I just wish I could kill myself but there's no way I could, Sometimes I find myself wanting to fling myself over a railing or l'll stand in the kitchen win a knife in my hand but I always end up scaring myself.

I have such a hard time concentrating anymore and some days nothing makes me happy. I can't love things I used to and my mind is always racing and I'm always hearing this little voice in my head telling me to kill myself or saying how bad of a person I am or how much I hate myself. I can't ever focus and I'm no longer motivated. I'm very indecisive and I move so slow sometimes and I can't bother myself to hurry up but I'm always so agitated and fidgety and I can't stay still and I mess with stuff a lot.

But overall I'm always tired. I fall asleep late and wake up early and at night I'm never tired but in the day I have no energy. I wake up around six PM and that's when I'm most alert but around eight I get worn down and more sad than I was in the day.

My mood constantly varies, my appetite is constantly changing, my body always hurts, and I always just hate myself all the time. Is this something I should be worried about, even though I can be extremely happy by appearance in public? I've tried talking to other people but they just ignore me and my parents won't listen or take me seriously. Thanks.

Hello, Ihani. Although some of what you describe could be due to the social and chemical turbulence of adolescence, the whole picture tends to point to deeper problems. Have you had a recent comprehensive medical checkup including a complete blood count?

No, I haven't. Last time I went to a doctor's office was when I was eleven for required shots for middle school.

If you get an opportunity, see a medical doctor or nurse. Tell them about your OCD diagnosis and list your other symptoms -- low energy, concentration and motivation problems, frequent crying, emptiness, anxiety, etc. A doctor first might want to rule out physical problems with similar symptoms (anemia, thyroid, etc.). A fair number of medical professionals will be sympathetic to the possibility you are suffering from a mood disorder beyond the normal teen stuff.

I wish you well, Ihani.