[LaLa77]

Hello
I have battled with depression for 10+ years. It began with the death of my only child. Since then life has been nothing but disappointment. So many "friends" disappeared. I guess I was just too depressed for them. I was on medication initially then off for years. I got back on briefly last year. I just have never been the same.
I decided to go back to something that helped me through for a long time-exercising. I found a class I was motivated to attend and it was going well for a few months. Then my vehicle broke down.
I also had been making an effort to make some new friends and join some groups through meetup.com. That had also been going well until my vehicle broke down.
I really don't have too many friends that I can pick up the phone and talk to when I'm down. My sister is several years younger than me and we used to be best friends. She has changed a lot and we are no longer as close. That is a really great source of pain and emptiness for me.
Then there is the hurt from 2 past relationships. One took me an entire year to stop crying. And it turned my home into a place that is on its way to an episode of hoarders. The other relationship still has ties due to my ex's child still wanting to be a part of my life. So that creates complications because I promised the child I would always be around. My ex isn't so open to that at the moment but I'm unsure of the reason.
Anyway, I'm just a mess. I go to work and come home. I watch tv until its time for bed then get up and do it all over again every single day. I don't like where I am or who I am right now.

[bookmadness]

Dear LaLa77,

I am so sorry to hear about the breadth and depth of your journey over these past 10 years. I am the parent of an only child as well and just reading the beginning of your post stopped my heart in its tracks.
Exercising is supposed to be amazing for all sorts of mood issues, never mind the health benefits. And trying to get out there socially must have been a big step for you, too. Yay you!
Is your car still broken down? Did you meet anyone in exercise class or at the meetups that you could ride with? Or are there other modes of transportation? (I know that that is a long shot except for a few locations in the states, but you never know.)
Do you think talking to your sister about rebuilding your relationship would help? Or asking your ex why he is uncomfortable with you maintaining a relationship with his child?

I know all of these things place the onus on you (and, hey, I am horrible about exercise, and it took me years to get on a forum) but even if you take one tiny step, you might feel better.

thinking of you--
bookmadness