[mulan]

It seems I'm to sensitive and that I should not hear or be so atentive to other people jugdements. This totaly makes sense, at least rationaly... I know this is one of the things that makes me hiding my little self from the world.
But what, aren't we supose to feel and show how things make us feel? Other thing that I have been doing all my life, hiding all kind of emotions, desires and feelings.
So in the end I have to be myself and at the same time I need to don't care about everyone jugdment...But if my self cares about it, if being myself is show it how things hurt me and I don't like them and I want to step asside?
It seems that it all ends up the same way it has been all my life, me holding myself... I don't have much choice, if I had. I don't want my mother to break the decibels (???) sound scale to yell at me, to make me do want she wants, I don't want her to go totaly mad and crazy about it...yes, but, I have magicaly not care and at the same time be myself.
I'm tired of not caring, I'm tired of hear those things and in my head they don't make any conection with everything I lived. I'm tired of not standing with my opinions because it's dificult to get my thoughts together, so I can really say something, I'm tired of forgeting "everything". Or maybe I'm just tired and I really don't want anything in life.
But it is so hard to understand that I'm working hard to get my *** out of the sofa, and if I get late it's because I don't have the motivation or energy to make myself go faster, is so hard to understand that I'm not doing that on porpuse, in fact I only do that because I do whatever they tell me to. I'm not thinking very straight today and they are to slow. But this makes any kind of sense?
I don't get how they not get it, because how I use to hear them saying "I know, I have been there". Am I supose to hear it all and shut up, and get on my feet by myself, creating a confident person out of no where, when there will always be something used against me to let myself down.
And as I said I don't want nothing and everything that I think I want, I don't have the energy to do it. And when I say something that I want they turn against me (with their little understanding) calling me irrational and other things and make myself do what they want. I think I'm trapped by my head and by my life. But either way I never have reason in what I'm saying. Whataver.

[willowbrook]

Do you have a Therapist you can see, someone objective that you can talk to about this stuff. I know what its like when your mind is racing and thinking so much to the point that you feel like you're shutting down and everything is just too hard, confusing or you keep forgetting stuff. I'd encourage you to see a Therapist and be open with them about what you're going through. In the meantime I find meditation helps, and doing some form of physical activity like Yoga or dance.

[paynful]

It is very difficult to filter other people's opinion of ourselves, especially when we are in a vulnerable state.

It's not that you aren't being yourself when you don't react or hold yourself back, it's that you are shielding/masking your emotions so that they cannot be used against you. It is a natural defense mechanism, but it does take up more energy than you can afford to spend when you are feeling so trapped already.

When it is a family member or some one you care about that is being manipulative or harsh to you, it cuts you even deeper.

When my family yells at me, I am overwhelmed with pain and a sense of betrayal. I have a tendancy to shut down and lock them out. It is not the best way to handle things, but it is the only way that I can feel safe until I have the energy to handle the emotions.

I wish I had a direct answer or fomula to give you, but unfortunately, it is an inner balance that only you can find what works for you. You might not see anyone in the room with you, but you are not alone in your struggles. I hope you can find some comfort in that.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, mulan....I have read a lot of your posts and I "hear" a lot of frustration in them.
If you are living at home, things will most likely greatly improve when you're on your own. You will HAVE to trust your own decisions and thoughts and that, in itself, can be a great source of pride and confidence.

I, too, am very sensitive and I don't like it one bit. Neither do I know of any kind of fix for it

Originally Posted by paynful

It is very difficult to filter other people's opinion of ourselves, especially when we are in a vulnerable state.

It's not that you aren't being yourself when you don't react or hold yourself back, it's that you are shielding/masking your emotions so that they cannot be used against you. It is a natural defense mechanism, but it does take up more energy than you can afford to spend when you are feeling so trapped already.

When it is a family member or some one you care about that is being manipulative or harsh to you, it cuts you even deeper.

When my family yells at me, I am overwhelmed with pain and a sense of betrayal. I have a tendancy to shut down and lock them out. It is not the best way to handle things, but it is the only way that I can feel safe until I have the energy to handle the emotions.

I wish I had a direct answer or fomula to give you, but unfortunately, it is an inner balance that only you can find what works for you. You might not see anyone in the room with you, but you are not alone in your struggles. I hope you can find some comfort in that.

Well worded Especially when it is people close to us, if they don't help validate our emotions and actions it can be extremely difficult to feel good about yourself. I have the same problem with my mom.

The unfortunate part of being human is that we all want to fit in. And so we all care a lot about what other people think of us. And I can't really exactly tell you how I broke out of even a bit of that but I have been working on holding my head high when I walk around campus and not back down as much. Most of it I think is a form of revenge in a way. Because for all the people who have tried to put me down or hurt me, they are the ones who should be hiding their heads in shame. I will do as a please and be proud of the fact that even though myself and life have beaten me down, the other people can't beat me down. Course I still care about how I look and etc but I've slowly been trying to make it more about myself. I dress up how I want because it makes me feel cool. It really isn't for anyone but myself--to make me happy. And those are just small starts in becoming a stronger individual.

It does sound to be though that you're just sick and tired of being depressed. And actually that's a very powerful thing. For me that was the first step to get better. I started to actively seek out opportunities and get away from the negative environment that I lived in (I was in an apartment with a bunch of strangers who were all fairly mean). Especially if your parents are harassing you a lot, definitely try to get out of that toxic environment for as many reasons as possible.

Unfortunately, a lot of parents think they know best when it comes to their kids. Which is ridiculous because they are often wrong--which would be fine by itself but of course they have the stupid habit of beating your ideas and hopes down in an effort to better solidify their argument. That. I can't exactly help with but I did discover somewhere down the line that the most important part for me to stay alive, is to do what I wanted. Because if I got stuck in a loop of just doing what my parents wanted me to do (even if it was a successful future with good money) I would be so incredibly unhappy. I decided that I would do what I wanted regardless of what they wanted. And I'm doing it slowly but it is happening.

As for your comment in "I know, I've been there" from your parents, I doubt they truly felt the same thing or if they did, they forgot about how painful and terrible it can be. For people who have never experienced it or seen it first hand, it can be hard to really comprehend. I know the only reason my mom finally really got it was because my uncle was ready to commit suicide after his wife cheated on him. That and I think she finally really saw how haunted my face had become and how lifeless I looked since I'm normally bright and full of energy. She backed off after that. I hope your parents will do the same

As always, best of luck and I hope you get relief soon.