How Do I Live?

Each day just gets more depressed more hopeless. I think about suicide a lot to where it scares me. What is wrong with me to keep thinking of death? I dont get out of bed most days either. Nor do i want to socialize. How do you stay out of bed, socialize and not think about death? How do you just live?

Hi GenCat, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Are you in therapy or on any medications for your depression? Those are the two solutions I'm relying on. I think that therapy could help a lot with the suicidal thoughts.

Why do you always need to talk about therapy and medication ? Depression has a cause, why don't we try to fix these causes instead of fleeing from it with meds and synthetic happiness ?

I've been on medication since last August after my T put me in the hospital. I got better up until about a month ago and everything is falling apart again like it was when I had to go to the hospital.

Medication is just a vessel. It's purpose is to make it easier to get to the core problems that are there. Have you been able to face them at all?

If you are still working on it and the meds are losing their effectiveness perhaps you should make an appointment with your P and look at adding or changing meds? The human body will build tolerance over time and sometimes you have to mix it up a bit. Maybe you've done that already?

Acceptance has been my personal key and has had the most impact on "getting better". That and meds But I am using them to explore and identify the anger, fear, loathing, lethargy, misplaced judgement and all that crap.

Depression has many causes. For many it is purely genetic and biological, something wrong with the brain. For others it is past abuse, trauma, etc. Meds and therapy help you get to a place that you can work on those issues. Trauma and abuse changes the brain. I can give you a 20 year list of things I have tried to cure my depression. AA Alanon, CBT DBT therapy counseling meditation exercise you name it. I spent many years working on my issues and baggage. My depression still comes and has gotten worse. They know the brain is broken they just don't know how to fix it. Meds work in about half the people. I have very treatment resistant depression. Meds don't work that good for me. Sometimes they do though. Currently my meds are making a difference.

How do I live? I don't... I just exist. I'm sorry I cannot be anymore helpful. I don't have any good answers. But I'm always here for you.

Sometimes I take the course of least resistance, by that I mean I make everything into simple decisions where one outcome is more favourable and simpler to achieve than the other.

So if the decision is about getting out of bed, I'll remind myself that unless I get up when I need to pee, I'll be festering in cold wet sheets. So which is easier? - getting up. The trick is not thinking more than that one step ahead. Once I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, I'll give myself a pat on the back, and when I'm ready make the next choice.

It sounds quite lame when written down and it relies on painting youself a really negative picture about the consequences of inaction and recognising and rewarding even the tiniest positve action. In the end you don't think about the whole overwhelming business of getting up, showered, dressed, eating breakfast, etc. etc. etc, you just come to accept it as being easier than the alternative.

That's all about functioing, but it doesn't actually help you live emotionally, for that I have no answer - sorry.

I slept until 3pm today and then didn't get out of bed until 5pm I drag myself out of bed because my roommates will probably panic if I hide under the covers all day. I think to live you have to really enjoy what you're doing and who you hang out with. Aka feeling connected to the world. I feel like the most important part is being present which is difficult because I'm always barely there most of the time. I guess the only answer is to keep trying. =sigh=