Parenting while depressed. Possible TW

My daughter has entered the terrible twos and I am doing my best just to keep up. When it gets really bad I am able to shut myself down and just focus on her but eventually I have to pay the piper. By the end of the day I am not only tired but also so disconnected from my own emotions that I cannot even tell what I am feeling or why.
If I look back at the day I can see that I have engaged in bad coping mechanisms (not eating, negative thinking) but I cannot connect that to a reason.

So my question is this. For you parents, how do you balance your illness with taking care of your children? What balance have you been able to achieve ? What compromises have you had to make?

I want to shelter her from my illness as much as humanly possible but I know that may not always be an option. I need to be healthy so she can be healthy. I just don't know how to get there.

Oh, C.... hugs.

I understand, somewhat.....I have four. They were older...but I still hated not being able to explain...after all it's inexplicable.

When you are in optimum health, a 2 year old (most years, really) are absolutely exhausting...And depression is exhausting. And I understand the innate need to put your daughter first.

So....she is first in your life, to your detriment. Under the circumstances, you can only put her first by putting you away....I get it....

For me personally, I couldn't balance. I was last, no question. A very bad thing to professionals, but it's what I could do and what I wanted to do at the time. Very self-destructive....

If you have help, or can get help, you need to recharge your batteries.....

This is simply my opinion and I hope to read others, but when with your own children, there is no balance.
You need an hour or two, or an evening, or whatever you can get to be alone. It goes against our "mom-ness" and can lead to guilt. But it is a medical necessity.

I hope someone else can chime in....and I hope that I make some sense....

I wish I could give you the helpful perspective that you are looking for, but I am not a parent. However, my father suffers from depression, as do I. As a child, I didn't know it by the name Depression. I just knew he didn't feel good.

Maybe, I could give you the child perspective...

I remember getting upset and frustrated that my Dad wouldn't pay attention or play with me sometimes. But then, he would explain it to me... in FEELINGS.

For example, I remember...

"Honey... I know you want to go to the park, but Daddy is tired and feeling sad right now. Will you help me? Work with me? I'll get you your coloring books and markers, you can watch a movie while I lay down for a while. I'll rest up, and tomorrow, IF the weather is good, we can go and play for a bit."

I didn't understand that he was DEPRESSED, but I understood he didn't feel well. I love my Dad. I know he loves me. He told me. He tried to show me... he did his best, and I did mine.

I wouldn't try to explain it to your child in any type of technical capacity. At least, not at such a young age. But, please, don't try to hide it. It will make things very difficult, and as your child gets older, it could hurt your relationship and trust.
Children are much more persceptive and intelligent (emotionally and intellectually) than we give them credit for.

As long as you try your best, you have nothing to feel guilty for. Your child DOES AND WILL understand that. To be your best, you need to put yourself first sometimes, and that is OKAY.

I hope this isn't a distasteful example, but...
If you're on a plane that starts to crash, you have to put your oxygen mask on first, (to ensure you stay conscious long enough) so you are able to help the person next to you.

No one who loves you, wants you to suffer ...or wants you at your "half-best" when all you need is some TLC.

Paynful.....I love your dad too

Thanks for this. I am not so much trying to hide my depression from her as try to insulate her from its effects. I am not sure I am explaining that right but oh well.

I am trying to balance several different things here and feel like I am failing miserably. I know children with depressed parents are at higher risk for depression. This is not something I want to pass on. I was raised by a father that willfully inflicted the nastier parts of his mental inlness on his family all while refusing any kind of treatment. Becoming like him in any way terrifies me.

And then there is just plain old mommy guilt. Wanting to do the best for my child always feeling like it is not enough and on days when she or I are having a particularly bad day I feel like a complete failure.

I want so much for her to be happy and healthy and wonderfully herself. And I want so badly to protectand care for her till such a timeas she is ready to go out and take on the world.

I absolutely understand what you are trying to explain (or at least, I think I do).

It is a very delicate balance between being and honoring yourself while still projecting the best message/image for your daughter. There is a lot of pressure there on top of your mommy guilt. Try not to let it weigh you down.

Support is important. And don't forget that when she is old enough, your daughter will become a part of your support system.. as you have been her's her whole life.

Where there is a want and will... the heart will follow.

You may not succeed gloriously everyday, but you still want what is best for her everyday. That DOES count for something.

This might not sound encouraging, but... even from the "messed up" parts of my childhood, my experiences are the sum of my whole. If I didn't see and experience my parents' troubles, I would be even more ill-equiped to handle my own. I use it all. I am more prepared for life. I know what I do want and what I don't want. Just as you took and left pieces of your childhood into adulthood, your daughter will have what she needs.

Depression can be genetic and habits can be learned from parents, but that doesn't mean that you aren't giving her the "tools" to live a healthy and happy life. You ARE showing her an example of how to better your life even as you are struggling. Have faith in yourself!!

Just by reading how much you care and try, makes me tear up. Your love is obvious. Even in all your worrying (and I would say because of it), you did good today.

You are who she needs. Your daughter will be who she is MEANT to be.

I had a very hard time of it and feel horribly guilty on the one hand and no it wasn't my fault on the other. I got clean and sober and divorced at about the same time. My depression got much worse after I got clean and sober. I got her every other weekend and once during the week. I have a very good relationship with my ex wife and so over the years we played it my ear with the schedule.

When she was young and I was newly clean and sober and very depressed I can remember just making hew watch movies for hours while I slept. She was three when we divorced. Thank God she has not memory of me drinking and using although I am sure it affected her even at that young age. I was very selfish about my recovery. Thank god I was not the primary parent. I have always been totally honest with her about the depression at age appropriate times and about being in recovery for drugs and alcohol. It got better over time but there were a period of years when she was young that I just could not stay awake. I would let her play at the neighbors with their kid as much as possible, let her watch movies, color play games whatever I could do to sleep.

Today she is twenty and is doing very well. She had her share of trouble as a teenager. I to worry very much about the genetics. She is in college and is getting good grades, seems very well adjusted, and healthy. I always gave her lots of love and touch. We are very close and can tell eachother anything. I know she has her scars from it and may have issues in the future. She has my personality and genes. Compared to me as a teenager she was an angel but did have her share of trouble.

She recently wrote and essay for college about me and my disease. It made me cry with gratitude because she wrote how close she feels to me and that she can tell me anything and had good memories. Kids are reliliant and most importantly need to know they are loved and loveable. I know she has her bag of crap from it all, but has turned out to be a very well adjusted young lady. I still worry though.

At this point, in my parent stage, there is no sheltering. Well, maybe in the words i use. Three kids, divorced, i have the kids all but 10-11 hours a week.. I'm their primary care giver. My depression, anxiety, Ms, is acknowledged. I'm the open honest one. Their dad isn't honest about his borderline, bi polar, alcoholism.
Sooo...my boys turn to me, to talk about the important things. They can't always get what they want, why should they?
I'm struggling, right now, with their brotherly squabbling, that gets physically out of hand. I'd rather be exhausted, than listen to their father bark at them, and instead of supportive teamwork, added stress...

why are you disconnected, from your feelings?

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It has always been hard for me to tell how I feel at any given moment. The big ones, happy, sad I can manage but everything else is a bit harder to identify. So I have to periodically self check. What behaviors am I exhibiting? Ok so I must be feeling x. It is just a part of my depression. A disconnectedness from everyone including myself.

Right now, I am so busy that I forget to self check. One part of my brain knows I am overwhelmed but cannot get the message to the rest of me so it starts behaving badly in the hopes of getting noticed.

Weird, I know

I have two kids and it has been a ride. I would advise to take care of yourself by making sure to allot time for you, your treatment (meds and therapy or whatever you require)

Honestly, sometimes I cope by making it to bedtime. I know I will have time to mope after than. Before that, you just have to try and muster as much enthusiasm as possible. Set them up with projects to do and not park them in front of the TV for extended periods of time. Save that for an SOS, or a reward for good behavior and getting chores done.

I cope my taking things one day at a time.
Also when your baby gets older, share with him or her the fact you have an illness. My son knows that I am bi-polar and even know what bi-polar means. I think I explained it this way, "Sometimes mama is depressed and sometimes she is happy. It is called having bi-polar mood disorder. So, when mama isn't in the mood, she really means it".

The thing about depression is isolation.
Raising children really does take a village and decreases the stress. For me I found a parents anonymous group that was a godsend. Like most national groups they are not all equal. The one I went to was fantastic. They have child care while you go to a group and talk about parenting. Some groups get a lot of referrals from courts. But the one I joined was mostly parents like me, struggling with other issues and fearful of being the same as our parents and wanting better for our kids. We talked a lot about to deal with kids while depressed. You can google parents anonymous or go though 211 to find other types of support. I can only remember one parent there who was in child protective services, but I had been told by other members that some groups had a lot of court appointed parents and the focus was more on how to make proper meals. So if your community has more than one you might check out a couple groups to find the right fit.
. My daughter has told me she has a lot of good memories from childhood. It is possible to break the cycle even when you are dealing with childhood.