I'm currently in a foreign country with extended family. Very few speak English. Almost no one understands depression. I stay in my room with the door locked sleeping as much as I can which is usually about 20 to 22 hours a day. When I leave my room, my family laughs about how I sleep so much. I have no one to talk to.

I am not full of hate or anger. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I get no pleasure from anything. I don't want to feel this way. My husband will say "Go for a walk" or "Go downstairs and sit with the family" but it is the same as saying go climb a mountain. I want to desire these things, really I do. My only desire is sleep. Some days I don't even eat. For years I have thought I would eventually come out of this but it has been over five years.

I have only two issues. One is my loathing of the way I look. I feel that I am a monster. I considered plastic surgery but realized that it would not help.

My other issue is this depression has taken away my belief in God. I want to believe in God. My mind tries to tell me it is not logical. Of course with absolutely no emotions, it is hard to feel God.

I am not really asking for a solution but maybe anyone can share if they've felt the same before in their life.

Sincerely,
Melikuchelly

[ToeJam]

Having suffered from depression since my teens… it was inevitable that I would have episodes as time went on.

Was a bit concerning (for me) when I got hit by a nasty lapse while teaching abroad in China (at the time, I was the only foreigner in near proximity). It did leak out a little bit in my daily interactions with my teaching partner (Chinese)… but I was doing whatever I could to keep a tight lid on it.

It was scary… heightened by being however many thousands of miles away from home… no medication, no therepy… but somehow I got through it.

Had a few moments of intrusively thinking about ending it all.

Not sure what help or messages can be taken from that… but it did ease off.

[Altered Moment]

I know that when I am in a deep depression I can sleep 18 hours a day. All I want to do is sleep. I believe in God and have been praying for years to rid me of this depression. I do not understand why God will not. I am really stuck on that point right now myself. But then why is there so much suffering in the world besides depression. It is hard to know the answer.

[Curupira]

I feel you on the loss of faith. I want to believe and in a way I still do but that connection to a greater being, the feeling of being loved are gone.

One question. Is this move a temporary or a permanent one?

Originally Posted by Curupira

I feel you on the loss of faith. I want to believe and in a way I still do but that connection to a greater being, the feeling of being loved are gone.

One question. Is this move a temporary or a permanent one?

I am in transit. I no longer have a home in the US. I am now in Pakistan and my husband is in South Africa and I plan to join him there in a couple months.

[Curupira]

From what you said before this coming change might be a good thing. Chnaging your environment might help you feel better and being in a different location will give you a chance to seek out new support systems.

Any kind of change is stressful. I have moved every 4-5 years my entire life. Sometimes to countries where I do not speak the language. Please take care of yourself and cut yourself plenty of slack. You are experiencing changes that would be stressful for anybody. And you are doing all of that while battling depression. You are very strong, and you will get through this.

And of course we are here for you

Originally Posted by Curupira

I feel you on the loss of faith. I want to believe and in a way I still do but that connection to a greater being, the feeling of being loved are gone.

One question. Is this move a temporary or a permanent one?

I can't help but think my lack of faith is connected to my current lack of emotions. In my head I have Mr. Spock from Star Trek "That is not logical". With faith, you feel it without thinking. If you cannot feel with depression, how can you have faith?

[Curupira]

Originally Posted by melikuchelly

I can't help but think my lack of faith is connected to my current lack of emotions. In my head I have Mr. Spock from Star Trek "That is not logical". With faith, you feel it without thinking. If you cannot feel with depression, how can you have faith?

I think for a lot of people that is true. Though I have met some for whom faith is more academic. I have had faith in God my entire life. During previous bouts of depression my faith was a comfort to me. Now the connection is gone and I don't know if it is as you say that my emotions are tamped down so I can't feel or if it is that there is so much going on in my brain that anything more andvanced than getting beyond the day is on hold.

I have gotten to a strange place though. I figure God and faith will find me again when I am ready. I have always found it easier to see God in my life retrospectively and I think it will be the same once I am on the other side of this.

I am not sure if this helps, but I hope it does.

[AngieDivine]

Originally Posted by melikuchelly

I can't help but think my lack of faith is connected to my current lack of emotions. In my head I have Mr. Spock from Star Trek "That is not logical". With faith, you feel it without thinking. If you cannot feel with depression, how can you have faith?

Hi Meli,

My depression worsened during a period when I believed my relationship with God was at its strongest. My memory worsened and my mind became numb. It made no sense that God would take from me the very thing that I needed to keep a good relationship going. But, whether or not I feel him, I've come to realize he's still around. There are always signs, but sometimes we're too down to notice. I still talk to him because he knows what I'm going through, and I don't have to apologize for it. Faith is knowing--it's a deep conviction that says despite the muddle in my head and general disinterest in life, God is still with me and will continue to be with me through this challenge

[Altered Moment]

I have tried to apply the twelve steps of AA to my depression. I just recently started again. AA is a very spiritual program it is just left to the member to define a power greater than himself.
The first step is easy-
1. I admitted to myself I am powerless over my depression and that my life has become unmanageable. I can make a long list of how depression has effected my life and how I need help.
I am totally stuck on the second step-
2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
After all the praying and all the therapy and all the work why has God not restored me to sanity? Can I come to believe that?

Originally Posted by Curupira

I think for a lot of people that is true. Though I have met some for whom faith is more academic. I have had faith in God my entire life. During previous bouts of depression my faith was a comfort to me. Now the connection is gone and I don't know if it is as you say that my emotions are tamped down so I can't feel or if it is that there is so much going on in my brain that anything more andvanced than getting beyond the day is on hold.

I have gotten to a strange place though. I figure God and faith will find me again when I am ready. I have always found it easier to see God in my life retrospectively and I think it will be the same once I am on the other side of this.

I am not sure if this helps, but I hope it does.

Helps Greatly