[A hopeless optimist]

Hi all,
I am new to the site and new to admitting the fact that I am struggling with depression. You would never knew it if you met me on the street. I have been feeling this for years but just never wanted to accept it-- like I was just feeling sorry for myself and all I needed was a different outlook. I would keep myself busy, mostly with sports. I was a gifted athlete and received a lot of praise for it. There was something so nice about working toward a goal and seeing positive results instantly. Now that I don't have that anymore, I am forced to deal with this issue that I have been putting off for so long. It has become very difficult for me to complete simple tasks. Going to sleep as well as getting started with my day have become very hard and time-consuming. I have not gone to class or turned in assignments for over a month. I cannot be alone with myself and constantly have the TV on. I've pulled away from my friends, family, and boyfriend because I don't want them to have to deal with my issues. I am embarrassed with the lack of control that I have in my emotions and my life in general. My personal relationships, grades, and self image are declining. There are so many times where I find myself wishing there was a "pause" button I could press and then just do nothing for as long as I needed. I do harm myself in times of frustration, and I sometimes catch myself having thoughts of dying and feeling relief or comfort in that. I am NOT suicidal, but I worry that one day I could be if I don't address this. This is so frustrating to me--I am very fortunate to have the life that I do and shouldn't feel like this. I have begun to see a psychologist, which helps, but I want to do everything I can to climb out of this hole. I don't want to burden my friends or family with this, and that's why I decided to join this forum. I need an outlet, and I need to know people understand. I want to feel better so that I can help others in the same way someday.

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC. You are by far not alone. Many of us can totally relate to your story.
I have been suffering from depression since I was 13. I to was very active in sports and got good grades all through high school. Won a state championship in hockey in Michigan. Then in college things started going down hill fast. I got very depressed and skipped class all the time. Got a few decent grades but only in the classes I really liked. I ended up dropping out. I got into the plumbing industry and did very well. In reality I was barely keeping my head above water. All my energy went into work.
Read these forums. Get all the help you can get. If you have clinical depression it is not your fault it is a disease.

[paynful]

You definitely aren't alone. I often consider my despression to be an "invisible illness," because no one can truly know how bad it is until I tell them.... and I really don't want to tell them.

However, tons of therapy later... it is unhealthy and destructive to hide myself. I'm not saying it helps to shout my mental illness (a term I truly hate, for some reason it makes me feel better to say "chemical imbalance"... not that it makes a difference to anyone but me) from the roof tops, but if the subject comes up, I am honest about it. It's ridiculous for me to be ashamed of who I was born to be. Just like... sometimes I'm embarassed of how short I am, but it's how I was born (or rather, who I was meant to grow to be). I can't change it, I didn't ask for it, why should I apologize for it? To anyone else OR MYSELF?

I don't know if any of what I wrote makes sense to you... but I'm glad that you found PC Welcome! The peer support that I have found here has been incredibly helpful. I hope you find it to be the same for you. If nothing else keep venting/ranting/raving. We all relate and like it!

So familiar....

Welcome...pull up a chair. Whine, vent, cry. Everyone here listens. And rejoices with you when you share victories because we KNOW how hard they are to come by.

[A hopeless optimist]

Thank you, I appreciate the support