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#1
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When I was super depressed I had started a blog and detailed a few of the things I had felt over that time. Ironically, I stopped writing in it about a month later but I just found it the other day and decided to take a moment to read through this tiny memory lane. And I found that I had written on the day I was going to kill myself (which was in February whoops). I was going to celebrate it this year but I couldn't remember the date and it slipped my mind. I'm kind of amazing at how long it feels since that day because it feels like forever ago. That day was terrible because I felt I had lost the only future I had. The only symbol of hope I had left was extinguished and I was really ready to end it but in my post I said "I am so very tired. But I will try one more day." And I feel like making that decision really was the turning point. I want to share something I had written in one of the last posts I had made. I think it's a good reminder about hope
![]() "I think sometimes the most important thing that we so often forget when we deal with things like depression and anxiety is that we, in some sense (or at least me), welcome it into our lives because it feels so natural--it seeps in gently and logically and we don't notice until it's a part of us. We romanticize the darkness. The hurt. The ache in our hearts and the fuzziness in our brains. It's so very sad and we think we are alone in how we feel. That no one else we know feels this way or suffers like we have suffered. Without even realizing it, the flood gates are open, no matter how hard we try to keep them shut, and stay open until we close them. But we forget that we even can. And even if we remember we barely have the strength to get to the door let alone push it shut. It’s so hard to stop thoughts that just end up dragging you down into a spiral of despair. I know I wasn’t able to pull myself out for the longest time. It felt like eternity. You end up forgetting what it’s like to not feel pressured and not feel sad and suddenly all you are left with is a dark pit and someone closing the lid as the light and air you need and everything slowly gets extinguished. You are in the dark and you're running towards where you thought the light was but it doesn't take long for you to tire. To wonder if you're even heading in the right direction anymore. You slow to a stop and get scared. What if the floor beneath your feet becomes as sharp as glass. Has the world always felt this way? Depression is such an attentive and abusive lover. It isolates you. It destroys your self confidence. It physically manifests and hurts you. Except instead of a person this abuser is inside yourself--in the dark recesses of your doubts and fears. Last edited by Anonymous100115; Mar 05, 2014 at 01:23 AM. Reason: fixing the formating |
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#2
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That was so beautifully written...and full of amazing insights.
Thank you very much for sharing a part of your past. You inspire me. |
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#3
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I agree with Sophiesmom... very well written and spot on in many regards to how I also see things.
Thanks for taking the time to put this here!
__________________
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#4
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Very good.
I am trying to find that spark of hope once again. I had totally lost it these last two years. Slowly I am regaining some hope that I can do something about this after having tried everything. I think these forums have played a large part in that.
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
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#5
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Yes, that is very nice what you write. Seriously.
It's realy a meaningfull thing, decide to change the way you were going, specially with so strenght...It was a brave thing. Hope goes and come, that isn't a thing you can't keep everyday...but the feeling you don't have to quit it keeps with you. It's sad that you once got so low in your life, but is beautifull you lift yourself with bravery. It must be a special date, so happy one year birthday (a late one)! Just wanna say, by the way, that I created 3 or 4 blogs and didn't receive a visit... :P
__________________
I am not crazy, I am hurt |
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#6
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You have just made my day brighter & most of all, gave me hope...thanks for sharing!
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