[InhaleExhale13]

I have both depression and social anxiety disorder. Both have been somewhat under control for a few months now. I know I am in a better place than I was a year ago, but I can feel myself slipping back into the darkness. The pain is returning. So is the constant over-thinking and over-analyzing every stupid little thing that I do. I find myself awake all night with tears running down my face just thinking of what a complete and utter mess and failure I am. There is so much that I should be doing right now. The thought of relapse has crossed my mind. I don't want to. I don't want to go back to the girl I used to be. Yet it's not like she's any better than who I am now. I feel so alone. And when I really, truly think about it, I am alone. Sure, I have my family, but they're all caught up in their own issues, especially my brother's issues with not attending school regularly. I feel like such a selfish person and I'm not that type of person at all. I'm alone. I'm lonely. I don't have anybody to really talk to. It doesn't help that the thought of trying to make friends makes me practically have a panic attack. I mean, who would want to hang out with me? I wouldn't even want to hang out with me. And now I'm starting a new job and I know I'm going to mess the whole thing up. I'm so terrified. I continuously think of everything that could go wrong; everything that I have forgotten from my training; every one disliking me with a passion. I am so lost. I hate this feeling. I hate it a lot. But not as much as I hate myself.

I really needed to get that out. Thank you. I hope you have a lovely day.

[hvert]

I hope the new job turns out to be better than you expect it to! I'm in a similar place right now, over analyzing stuff. It really sucks, doesn't it?

I hope the new job gives you a new perspective. 3 of my kids have recently gone through the new job fears (please don't think that I'm trivializing your feelings). It's overwhelming starting a job where you don't know the ropes. The information they give you just makes your head want to explode.....But remember, you're not expected to instantaneously memorize it on day one. It will come to you bit by bit.

People will not dislike you.....if that was the case, then you wouldn't have gotten the job.
This is a door opening for you, not a field of barbed wire and land mines Hugs
Keep us posted on how it goes.....I want to know..

[InhaleExhale13]

Originally Posted by hvert

I hope the new job turns out to be better than you expect it to! I'm in a similar place right now, over analyzing stuff. It really sucks, doesn't it?

It certainly does. Thanks though.

[Frankbtl]

Hi InhaleExhale, firstly you're not selfish at all!! How can it be selfish to be going through what you're going through, and feeling like you're feeling??!! You didn't choose it right??!!
And "snap out of it" comes nowhere into it!!
Now although I can understand things are so hard for you, it is really good that you're catching yourself "slipping back into it" and reaching out for help before.............so absolutely don't let it rest there.
Was there any particular things that helped you "come back" last time that you could do again?? Any professionals you saw/see you you could talk to?? Anyone you can talk to??
As for your family, it sounds like you're feeling a bit distant from them. But I'd say that they're only "caught up in their own issues" because they don't know so much about your issues. Maybe if they knew about your issues the other things they're tied up in could kind of lose as much significance compared with.........although who's to say that people can only find time/caring for x amount of issues anyway?? You matter and you matter just as much as anyone else!! You are important!! So whatever's going on or you they might like to know and be there for you.
The making new friends bit, well try not to pressure yourself with that too much, it might be that you need to focus on yourself a bit more first and start feeling better in yourself?? And no-one could expect you to think "I'm going to walk out the door today and I have to make some friends". Take things slowly and just try to "open the doors" as much as you can towards talking just a little to people and giving them the opportunity to talk to you. BUT at your own pace!!
As for the new job, well done, a new job!! If you do make an odd small mistake at the beginning then I'm guessing that you're not going to be the only one, are you? Learning process starting a new job afterall. Just try to refresh yourself on your training, make sure there's someone who's going to "walk you through it"......insist on someone who's going to "walk you through it", ask as many questions as you can (even write some down to ask before you start!), and just try your best whatever that is. If you're trying your best whatever that is then whatever happens you have not failed if it comes to it.
Now I know that there's a chance that you're going to find this really hard to believe/feel feeling like you do, but I've just got to throw it in. Some of the thoughts you're having:
"every stupid little thing that I do"
"what a complete and utter mess and failure I am"
"I feel so alone"
"I feel like such a selfish person"
"who would want to hang out with me? I wouldn't even want to hang out with me"
"I know I'm going to mess the whole thing up"
"every one disliking me with a passion"
"But not as much as I hate myself"
Depression. right?? If someone said those things to you, you might think depression, right?? And depression doesn't have to make any of those things true, does it??
You are still you under there so why let it tell you/convince you ****??
Anyway, know you might find that hard to believe/feel but had to say it!!
Here if you want to talk..............
Alison