How to help depressed wife

My wife and I have been married 2 years and have had a very rough patch since December. We are currently separated and she has been diagnosed with depression, and her therapist at school told her it was the worst case she has seen in years. We both feel that the depression may have been the root cause of our issues, but I have been far from perfect.

All that being said, we are back to communicating almost daily and get dinner every few nights. Some days though she will tell me she just wants to be left alone, and I have to respect that. She is getting medication and we are also going to relationship counseling. I was wondering if anyone has either been in my shoes or my wifes, and can offer me some advice. I do not know whether me getting her small gifts will help, or hurt her.

She has stated she needs to fix herself before she can fix us. It may seem small, but she is telling me she loves me now and gives me a nice hug everytime we say goodbye. I also am unsure whether I should tell her how emotionally connected I feel to her. I want her to know how much I care, but I don't want her to feel guilty or pressure her into saying something she doesn't mean. I hate living apart but she says she needs the separation and is not mentally prepared to live together again. I am okay with continuing the separation if it is what she needs, but I am curious if anyone knows of anything that I can do to help her.

Hmmm I feel for you. Tough spot you are in. I am very glad she is getting help and that you are going to a relationship counselor. I would say listen to her, validate her, do not judge her. I am speaking from her side of the fence. I suffer from major depression. Learn everything you can about depression. Reading the depression forum hear for a couple of weeks would give you good insight into what we go through. It is often harder on those around us than it is on us so you have to get the support you need and take care of yourself too. Be very patient. I hope the meds and therapy work for her. When in a deep depression I just want to isolate and sleep and don't want to be bothered by anyone. Everything is totally overwhelming. The fact that she is going to dinner and going to counseling is a very good thing. Meds can take along time to work and sometimes they don't work and you have to try a new one. Number one thing, be patient and take it slow.

I can sort of relate. My husband suffered PTSD before and during the early stages of our marriage. We have now swaped places with me being the person with a PTSD and clinical depression diagnosis.

An individuals experience with mental illness will always be unique to them. So from where I am standing you are handling things well. Being supportive, giving her what she needs even if that is space, listening and validating her experience.

The only thing I would add is to echo zinco. Educating yourself about her condition and finding some kind of support of your own will help the strain this is putting on you. On the first count: there are great books, webcomics, and even videogames that will help you understand the depressive mind and the effects it can have on the individual and those around him or her. On the second count: a therapist, a support group, a good friend you can swear to secrecy. You need a safe space where you can vent your own feelings about this and get support. Self care is really important.

Depression is a selfish jerk, it takes us away from everything and everyone we love and tries to bury us in darkness.

Your description of yourself sounds exactly like her. She said at our last counseling session that she wants us to live together, but the thought of me moving in right now just overwhelms her and she couldn't handle it.

Thank you for being so understanding of my situation. It is very hard because I love her so much and these days where she wants to just be alone are horrible for me and I end up feeling selfish for wanting to talk to her when she says it would be better for her to be left alone.

I can speak from the perspective of the depressed wife...

She's going out, so that's good.
In the beginning, my husband thought, like so many do, that if he could get me out, I would feel better. Wrong. She has to WANT to go (it doesn't have to be with enthusiasm, but as long as she shows interest, then take her)
When she's had enough, bring her home straight away. It's very easy to go into "panic mode" when you spend too long away from where you're comfortable. Ask her and learn to read her body language.

You really have to treat it much like you would a physical illness. If she needs to be alone, bring her a meal and then leave. Make sure that she has necessities in case she can't leave the house that day. Just basic "checking-up on you" types of things.

It's possible (my experience) that she may "fake happy" sometimes. Keep your eye on that....A lot of us here have said "Sure! I'm fine! just to stop seeing the worry and pity.

Patience from you is key. And you must not take anything personally.

I think that my husband is amazing for sticking through this with me. It takes incredible strength, with no rewards.

Depression is a hidden giant. We don't know when it's going to come out, but when it does it overwhelms us.
A few things you can do are to take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. There are things you can do that have already been mentioned. Be sure your wife has what she needs, ask if there is anything you can help her with, but don't try to insert yourself if she isn't asking.

You mentioned if getting her small gifts would help. Those are just things. What you may want to do is write her a heart felt, positive letter, letting her know how much you love her, that you want to do what is needed at her pace and you will take your ques from her. That is something she can keep and look at when she feels the need. I have a few cards some friends gave me and I re-read them when I need to be reminded that I do have support.

I, too, think learning what you can about depression will help you to get a better understanding of it, but each person does experience it differently. Don't try to tell you wife you understand what she is going through because there's no way you can. You can say you understand what she is going through is difficult. The one thing to understand about depression is that it's not something one can understand unless they've experienced it. As I explain to others, it's like describing a beautiful sunset to a blind person - you can use many adjectives that describe the beauty of the different colors, the warm feeling, but unless you actually see it you can't truly appreciate it.

Sometimes encouraging her to go for a walk will help her feel better by getting some fresh air, but don't force the issue. Think about what she enjoyed doing before her depression. You may also want to meet with a therapist to get a better understanding of what is happening with your wife and get some suggestions how you can help. Find someone who specializes in adult treatment of depression and has received good ratings from other patients.

I'm not married, but I do have siblings who are there for me. Unfortunately, they didn't learn much about my illnesses and would push and challenge and push and challenge some more. It wasn't until I was hospitalized that they began to understand what my depression was doing to me. Being hospitalized showed them how it was actually affecting me and after I got out they saw more - poor self-care, unkempt home, ... At that point they asked me to let them know when I needed help, whether it was just talking or cleaning my place.

Good luck to you and your wife.

I think what you are doing is amazing. Patience and time is key. You're thinking of buying her gifts? Is that to make her feel good? I wouldn't do that. My fiancé would try and buy me things like a new dress or perfume and to be honest that would make me worse. In my mind him buying me things to try and make me happy was the easy way out. I would think that he didn't want to try. That he thought using money would make it all better. It doesn't. I would either like to be left alone or just be with him holding me, not saying a word, but just there. You can't truly know what's going on in her head but just being there for her when she needs you and not when you need her is the best thing right now. And you really can't take things personally. She may even try her hardest to push you away. If you love her stick it out. I won't lie and say it's going to be easy it's not. If anything it might be worse for you because you feel like your not helping. Keep to what your doing and let her lead and you's will build up slowly to what you's once were, both happy together.

I am that spouse, depressed and struggling every day. My H moved out too. So...I get that this is so super hard for both of you.I can only tell you the things I wish my H would do, and that if he could do them without me asking, it would be amazing. Here is my wish list:
I wish he would Actually listen when I say something that I feel is important because it took a lot of effort. (But that is not you.)
I wish my H would get some counseling for himself, not just about my problems, but the other problems that contributed to our separating. I really don't like the thought that all the troubles here are swirling around fixing me. That thought makes me feel hopeless & feels like a great burden. I believe it would help him cope too.
I wish my H would think to bring dinner to me so I don't have to go out sometimes. I wish my H would make the "visits" more brief. Have dinner, make sure I'm good for the night, then go, not hang around hoping for more from me.
I wish he would help with the things like someone to clean every couple weeks, because a clean place, fresh sheets, really does cheer one up & makes you feel like someone cares. And not him doing it. That would just makes me feel guilty.
I wish he would not only suggest a walk, but put on his shoes, get mine, smile at me and say this will be so nice to take a stroll together and just be quiet, & not turn it into another chance to ask me how I feel.
That is my short list. Does it help at all?
Best to you as you continue on this journey and labor of love...

That list sounds great actually. I've mentioned going for a walk and she said it sounds nice, but she said she isn't quite ready yet. I am guilty though of trying to selfishly drag out the time spent together, or always "be there" for here when she says she wants to be alone. This weekend for instance she has told me she's feeling really down and needs to be left alone, and I keep trying to think of reasons to text her, and I am blaming myself or thinking of what I did wrong to make her upset with me. I center it around me, rather than her.

Thank you for the input though, it's really appreciated!

Thank you very much. I really see now how I have tried to insert myself when it's not necessary. This weekend for instance, she told me yesterday she was having a bad day and needd to be left alone. This morning she said she was doing okay but a friend of hers was coming over so I have only really recieved three texts from her this whole weekend. That is really hard for me because she seemed to be doing better last week and things were really looking up between us and I felt myself loving her even deeper and an emotional connection growing again. I am working on coping and giving her the space she needs, but it is really hard this weekend

I know! Make sure she understands that you are only talking about a walk...not turning it into some emotionally draining talk time.Get a script ready if you have to in order to stay on happy, fun, interesting to both of you topics, things you share in common might be a nice reminder of nice times.
Just a thought...

I will try that for sure! We are supposed to grab dinner tomorrow and have counseling on Tuesday. Hopefully she will be up to meeting tomorrow, even though after this weekend I am feeling discouraged

Don't blame yourself for her down days. Don't think that you did something wrong or are in any way responsible.
Depression is unpredictable and what was nice one day, my not be the next. What makes you happy one day, could make you cry the next.
It's a crap shoot really and the best thing to do (as my husband and I do) is simply to text or email in the morning asking what kind of day it is. It's a bit like asking what the weather is doing :/
Personally, I know when I wake up how I am for the day.

You're right. I've got pretty bad self esteem issues and I've been far from the perfect husband so it's hard not to. I'm getting independent help and got some medication which has helped with my personal anxiety and subsequent trust issues

I'm that depressed wife.
We've been married a long time, and for better or worse:
we've had a really rough patch too.

Sadly, I'm not able to find a therapist or medication with limited resources. That's why I'm here. Your wife is a very lucky lady to have a husband like you. Remember to take care of yourself during this roller coaster ride.

I have had to ask my husband to "listen" really listen to hear my story, my thoughts, my fears, my not wanting to be here any longer...all of these things have nothing to do with my love for him. But if I can't love myself at all, I can't be at my best to show him that I love him. I know it sounds very selfish and part of it is. I know how much he wants to fix the broken me. There are times when I can tell him what I need and times I can't.

What helps? He doesn't push and yet, I know he's always there for me. To talk with, for me to vent to, for me to rant to, and at times for me to sob to. It helps when we just sit sometimes and he just holds and strokes my hand, or hugs me and just strokes my hair, without a sound. There are times I push him away, only deep down inside, I want him to grab me and just hug me. It helps the fears go away when I'm most vulnerable.

It's nice when he sends me cards with love notes that make me cry.
It's nice when we just go take long drives in the car just to get lost.
It's nice to window shop our favorite stores and hold hands.
It's nice that he's not always asking how I am...I still can't get beyond the "I'm fine..." because chances are no one ever REALLY wants to know how I'm really feeling since I'm a ball of hurt, sadness, fear, you name it.
I don't need presents. Flowers are lovely. Remembering my favorite things for me, because I need remembering and cherishing.
Texts are good for just checking in to say hi and say I was thinking of you.

I know hard this is for you. I see the pain of feeling helpless in my husbands eyes too. He's seen me at my best and we have shared the best of times. He's helping me to remember that, so we can build and share new memories.

I hope I get better soon, too.

Wishing you strength, hope and love.

How to help your wife? Listen!!!! That's it. That is all you can do.
Depression is an ugly illness that is very confusing. To you and your partner. So just listen. The things she has to say are not very good. In fact they are horrible. If you want to help your wife, listen. She needs that more than anything. The words out of her mouth will shock you. Don't say anything just listen. Depression is an illness that puts us down, tells us nothing matters, tells us how worthless we are, tells us no one cares about us and so on. It beats us into the ground like a human squashing a bug on the side walk. Depression is devastating to our minds. If you yourself can not listen then see if you can find her a depression group around you. We can site in these groups and tall to people that feel the way we do. This will help ourselves understand that we are not alone.
If you don't know if you can listen to what she has to say PM me. I'll tell you what depression does to our minds and thoughts.