[octoberpumpkin]

I apologize for the long post.

I am 22 (my birthday was last week) and I have severe depression, PTSD, and also moderate anxiety. I have been struggling with a few things recently.

I feel so useless in my life. I feel like a terrible person. I have a son who will be 4 tomorrow and he is living with his grandmother because I am not financially or mentally stable enough to support him. He is happy and well cared for where he is, but I feel like a failure as a mother.

I became pregnant due to being sexually assaulted by my ex. It's funny, you never really expect it from someone you've been with for 5 years. I should have, he was physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive. That didn't help my PTSD, which would take a book to explain all of the sources of trauma that I went through in my life so far.

I am now in a better relationship and living with the man in South Carolina. I am terrified of change and I don't handle it well and I moved to a new country (I am from Ontario) to start a new life with him and get as far away from the abuse as possible. I feel homesick, I have no friends here, and I feel so lost. Any attempts to make friends (i have online friends, but it isn't the same) has just resulted in failure for different reasons.

I don't work and I can't afford to go to school. I've been hired on by 3 different jobs and I quit each one very quickly after being hired because I panic and can't breathe or see and I feel like I'm dying and I don't understand it but it scares me. I feel like such a freak and a failure that I can't even work like a normal human being and I know people look down on me for it. So for now I spend my time volunteering as a content editor for a fan site, as well as with some pet adoption days.

I feel like a disgusting pig. I am technically obese and so many of my efforts to change that are ending in failure. I hate myself and I hate seeing myself. I haven't been comfortable being intimate for some time now.

I do not have much money at all and I attempted the only counseling/therapy I could afford. I tried 2 different people and they both hurt me and now I'm scared to try again. I can't afford anyone more expensive.

I love my boyfriend, but we have our issues and he works long hours. I am alone for most of the day and I feel very lonely. I stay up late at night so that I will sleep most of the day and not be alone for so long.

I was invited by his family for dinner tonight and I panicked and cried. I hate being in public, especially in large groups. I felt trapped. They didn't ask me and I only found out about it the day before and I had to do something that made me so upset in order to apparently celebrate my birthday. But if I didn't go, I would be "that girl" with the issues. If you have a physical illness, everyone supports you and understands, but with a mental illness, they treat you like a freak. Or I would be the basket case girl whose boyfriend has to make excuses for her.

I feel so awful and aimless and worthless. I don't know how to progress in my life and I feel like I'll never amount to anything. I'll always just be a drain on others and I'll always be a disappointment.

It's funny, I see all of my boyfriends trophies for recreational sports. I have no trophies or placks or acknowledgement of my accomplishments. No one gives you a medal for surviving an abusive relationship. No one gives you a trophy for surviving as a young child by begging for change because the person caring for you would spend all of their money on drugs. No one gives you an award for surviving being abandoned countless times by everybody who you've ever cared about. All it does is make you damaged.

I'm sorry this was so long. I guess I needed to vent. I think my friends are just annoyed with me and a lot of the time I think they don't care how I feel at all. I even made a blog about my dealing with depression and I got fussed at saying "it was too depressing and I shouldn't complain". My boyfriend is supportive, but he doesn't know what to do and it stresses him out and then I feel worse.

Thank you all for listening. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Altered Moment]

It's funny, I see all of my boyfriends trophies for recreational sports. I have no trophies or placks or acknowledgement of my accomplishments. No one gives you a medal for surviving an abusive relationship. No one gives you a trophy for surviving as a young child by begging for change because the person caring for you would spend all of their money on drugs. No one gives you an award for surviving being abandoned countless times by everybody who you've ever cared about. All it does is make you damaged.

I have never thought of that. We should get trophies!!!

Welcome to PC. Welcome to the USA and happy belated BDay.

Not sure if you are willing/want to hear congrats on the baby. But I believe all babies are gifts - regardless of the dad being a slime ball. (my dad was a slime ball too).

I hope you find PEACE in your heart. You deserve that.

[Maria38Divine]

Hi Octoberpumpkin (I like this name)

Welcome to PC.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. You've been through so much. Any normal person would break. But things can get better for you. Just take things one step at a time. We're here to help support you.

By the way, it's good that you're doing volunteer work and have the experience of your own blog. Those can work to your advantage. All is not lost Ever thought of freelancing, online?

[octoberpumpkin]

Thank you for the warm wishes, everybody. It is nice to be able to say these things without judgement.

I have thought of freelancing, but I have no idea how to go about that, or even if anyone would hire me.

[Nammu]

Have you tried the 411 number for your area? It's not everywhere but it's in most American cities large enough to have one. It is a referral line, you tell them what you need and they look for resources you can check out. I know how hard it is to be someplace new and how easy it is to feel safer at home. But that can lead to more problems if you let it. The referral line might have different resources for therapy and support groups you could try.

I'm glad you found PC, there's a lot of people here who've also had multiple traumas and can understand what you are going though.