Birthday Blues

I get really depressed when my birthday comes near. I'm turning 19 April 16. I'm not looking forward to it. At all. It's starting to hit me, I cut myself for the first time today in like 3 or 5 months. Can't really remember.

The first time I cut myself was in 9th grade, now I'm in 12th. Ever since that first time, whenever I'm extremely mad or sad, I think about it. It's weird. I've probably done it 4x including just now since my first time. Not a whole lot.

The difference with me cutting this time, and maybe sorta the last time, was I "enjoyed" it. Last year, and the year before, and I think even the year before, I told my parents not to wish me a "happy" birthday or not to mention it at all. Last year, I had a breakdown of anger and sadness when my dad wished me a happy birthday, and my mom and stepmom and grandma. I cried a lot that day. It wasn't happy.

Now, I think for each day after my birthday, I'm gonna cut myself for 7 days. Then 7 days before my birthday I'm gonna cut myself again 3x or 5x. Most likely 5x because that's "my number".

Life isn't the best, it's not the worst. My teeth look terrible, I have braces. But the dentist needs a lot of money to continue with getting good looking teeth (Don't talk to me about this, it's extremely complicated you won't understand this unique situation so don't try or try to help, cause you'll just make me frustrated).

I'm known as the weird kid to school because I have insomnia so I walk around my small town to waste energy, I'm just weird. I'm alright being a *little* weird. But yeah.

I'm gonna tell my dad this "If there's no good, tangible results that I can celebrate with, don't wish me a happy birthday, because it won't be happy." This makes no sense for everyone, cause it's just something within my family. I'll just say for the past 4 years, I've been anticipating good results to happen, but nothing good and tangible has happened from these results.

I'm not suicidal. I just don't enjoy life.

Last August I began Paxil, then switched to Prozac last December. It's helped a lot. About a year ago, I lost interest in living. If I died, that'd suck, if I didn't, that'd suck. Mostly because I'm scared of death, but yeah.

Anyone else get like this? Comments or whatever? I have no real idea why I wrote this, I forgot.

I have always hated my birthday. I don't want the attention. Maybe it is low self esteem...not deserving the attention.

I usually hate my birthdays too and the reason is it's just a reminder of how few ppl actually care about me. It's just a reminder of what a loner I am I dunno, it's silly, but I just can't help it.

I understand

I have always hated my birthday. The last one I enjoyed was when I turned 5 after that my dad decided we would no longer celebrate ot because it was too much work. I have carried on like that ever since. My husband convinced me to try again last year but there were so many last minute cancelations (legitimate reasons) that I just felt worse.

I get it,it sucks.

I hate birthdays, it reminds me how long im living a worthless life and i was unsuccesful in changing that.

Birthdays are days where we expect to be happy, or people tell us that we should be happy, and that's really stressful. Try to think about the moments of unexpected happiness, even if they are tiny and infrequent. Have you told anyone about the cutting? Are you seeing a therapist? You said that you're on medication, but are you seeing someone who knows about the self harm? There are people who care about you.

Just one time (I think I was going to turn 21) I was mad and did not want to celebrate my birthday. Also, once for Christmas I felt the same, I did not want to spend it with my family or anybody I knew. What I did was to leave the house and go to a home for destitute and disabled children (there were some adults with disabilities in there, as well) and spent the day with them, doing some chores (that was the day of my birthday) and spending Christmas (when during that Holidays I was mad at my family and some hypocrisy around Christmas, particularly my mom). I am not sure if it is a good idea for you, as I do not know the situation of your surroundings. Here there are many people doing volunteering and I had some relationship with that home so it was easy for me to spend the day there. In the US I knew a young person that used to volunteer for animal shelters and sometimes she would go for "extra" hours if she felt down or something, but i am not sure how it works in other places, if you can just show up, or if you need to arrange your visit or volunteer work.