[Randomguy10135]

I feel like this is just something I've had buried too long, and I need to say, so I will say it to clear my mind, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't... At this point I feel like.. Just sharing my story would help... Haha... No one ever tells ya how to start this, your story... So here we go.....

I'm a 17 year old male, bisexual, underweight, depressed teenager.. I know what some will think if they read this like, "your just a kid this is normal." I honestly say it's not... I know I may not be the best judge.. But I am pretty sure I know per my experience... I'm a senior in high school... I have a close group of friends who have other friends who make a large group... But only a few know me.... I'm close to being the youngest in the group of seniors, basically out of our age group, yet I deal with nearly everything... And lately I've been out of it... It's been there I just never let it overtake me, pushed it back, put on a smile, and faked my day... Always fake my day... I have my friends who say my life seems amazing... I have some people who say I'm lucky... I'm not... I hate most of what I'm surrounded by...

My few closest friends each have their reasons for being close... My closest friend, I'm just gonna call her "her" so I don't confuse people plus keep her name to myself, has multiple personality disorder... And I love her... I help every way I can... And it never seems to be enough... Then she goes out with guys who hurt her and I never seem to be good enough.... I probably have jealousy issues but... I just don't know what to do anymore... Her has decided to go out with an older man and live with him after college and I don't want her to.... But I have no say.... Her and I fought today... Basically she said she didn't know what she wanted to me and that I was the reason she's always upset.... I didn't know how to respond... We've fought before and she told me this before... But I always put it aside... But I cried when she told me...

Then I have my friends who want my help... Who need me to help fix them... And I can't even find a reason to smile... I just... Find no reason to... So I act like I am when inside I'm not... I help and I do all I can but sometimes it's just too much...

Then I have to deal with my parents... My father, who hates the fact that I'm bi, basically forces me to date girls.... If it wasn't for him, I'd still be a virgin.... When I came out the closet and I told him... He grabbed me by my hair and pushed me across the living room.... Telling me he wouldn't have a gay ****** for a son... Later after some time had passed he called me a cock socket... I don't trust him and he constantly makes me do things I don't wanna do and so I'm forced to do whatever he wants and I hate it... My mom doesn't stop him though... Instead she yells at me for not doing things, "her way" and not following her orders....

I guess.... I just find this all too hard for me.... I try and try... I keep this smile glued to my face...yet on the inside I'm cold and dead.... I feel like this would help... I guess it did... At this moment I'm not sure... Let time carry on and so will fate... I guess this is the end of my story that I can tell but still a story to go... Thank you for reading and sorry if my brain seems to be a wreck..

[Maria38Divine]

Hi Randomguy,

I think many of us have had the experience of living behind a facade: trying to appear in control and normal; so people don't think we're weird. I can definitely relate.

Maybe you can talk with your guidance counselor or family doctor. Perhaps they can refer you to a therapist who'll advise you how to cope at home and school, and maybe intervene with your parents.

[Curupira]

I canabsolutely relate. Not even my husband knew that I was severlu depressed. And because I always appear fine my diagnosis was met with shock and anger by quite a few people.

I am sorry you are going through this and I wish I had better guidance.

[Idiot17]

Hiding behind your true self is something i can relate to. Actually a lot you mentioned i can relate to.

Can you speak to a teacher or guidance counselor? Do you have anyone you can speak to? It's much easier to do so while in school rather then when your out.

Good luck.