[Faking sane]

I feel like I stumbled into a dark hole. I know what set it off: I drove my son to see his company commander about getting ack on the right track with ARNG and they had him sign discharge papers instead. I hurt for him because I know he's disappointed. I feel guilty because transportation had been an issue for him and I felt that if I hadn't lost my job and our car, he could have gotten back on track before it was too late. My husband says I always take too much responsibility for the kids' mistakes, but it's just that I wish I could give them what other people give their blooming young adults. I feel that my inability to keep a job long-term has put them at such a disadvantage that they may never catch up, just like we never did. It breaks my heart.

But that's not all I'm down about. It's just the state of the world, or at least the parts I can see, right now. I can't stand it! People are such lying, scheming manipulators, especially those given any little tidbit of power, and I just can't take it anymore. I know that it has been this way since the dawn of recorded history and will likely remain, compounded exponentially as the population grows, so I have a lot of anger inside me. A lot of it is based on the conniving and crusading across a wide base of religious leaders and politicians. I realize it's not polite to talk about anything specifically, but it just seems to me that our shepherd have sold us for slaughter. And people don't seem to see it. They have literally become a part of the consumerist machine that enslaves all of us. And if I don't fall in, I stand out, which I don't particularly mind until I have to go out in the people-world where we're judged by our material possessions whether we consent to it or not. And it's not possible not to be aware of it. I am painfully aware that people think I'm not intelligent because I don't have nice clothes or cars. And it hurts me, not only emotionally, but financially, because I'd never be taken seriously for a job with decent pay. I can't even afford an education to prove that I'm actually kinda bright, and all of this frustrates me terribly and now to think of witnessing my children struggling through life, leaping from one desperate decision to the next, just scraping by, and breaking their backs to do it... It's just too much! If I'd known I would never get it together in 43 years of life... If I had realized that I would never be any more competent to achieve my goals than I was at 8 years old (when it was first noticed that I "wasn't living up to my potential"), I never would have brought other people into this with me. I just always thought I'd figure it out and catch up someday. Right now I just want to lay down and die. But I never do. Life's a cat that never seems to tire of playing with this old mouse. >^.^<~


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[Idiot17]

the ways of the world.....i agree with you on it.

[Curupira]

I am sorry your son is having such a hard time. I am sorry that it is so hard on you. The military can be pretty tough and sometimes feel very unfair (I know, I am a military wife myself).

I am not sure if this helps any but, when I feel overwhelmed and like the world is jsut a terrible place, I narrow my focus. I think about what can I do in my little corner of the world. Sometimes it is helpting friend through a hard time and sometimes it is just enjoying my daughter's smile.

[LaborIntensive]

I hope you get to feeling better!