[shamon86]

...how to explain how I feel. It's a bad feeling. The heartache that won't go away. I hate these days. I guess my hope is that someone can pull me out of the pit I seem to have fallen into. Although I know by now there is nothing that can help. I have the days where I just have to suffer thru it, try to remember that I won't ALWAYS feel this way (what my at always tells me). I went outside with my dog and we took a short walk. It really didn't help. I couldn't focus on anything but how I felt. It wasn't keeping my mind off of it. Watching tv barely keeps my mind off of it. I just want to curl up In a ball and die. I don't want to go to work and talk to people and pretend I'm okay. I've been pretending for years can't I just fall apart now? Theres a tiring battle between my head and my heart everyday on if I should go to work or get out of bed. Of course my mind always ends up winning because logically, I can't stay at home and pretend I don't exist. Just needed to vent...

hi Shamon86, I often feel like I deserve to just fall apart. I know sometimes its very hard even doing everything, it sounds like, that you know you should do, like going for a short walk. Sometimes, if it's possible, a little longer walk might finally get that anxiety out, and do it more briskly. Maybe I sound weird, but sometimes I just count to 4 on the inhale, and do the same on the exhale. I know thoughts interrupt, but for me, I can hardly walk and chew gum at the same time. So trying to focus on my breathing while walking, takes my mind to a place of nothingness for a short while anyways.

[greentires4me]

hello,

I feel the same way as you do I spend days in bed feeling lousy but i still get up and go out into the world even though I think they wouldn't notice if I just went on vacation.

you aren't alone!!!

[Altered Moment]

I know how you feel. At the age of 49 after battling depression my whole life and all the different meds and all the therapy and how long and hard I fought, I hit a brick wall. I had just gotten so tired of fighting and had given up all hope. I did collapse and couldn't work. I had lost my last two jobs due to the depression getting worse and worse. My performance was going way down hill and I finally missed a bunch of work and they fired me.

I will get flak for this but for me with my depression being so cyclical and treatment resistant, that I have very often just had to give in to it and ride it out. Just accept it and let myself collapse and let it run its course. Because nothing is gonna drag me out of it anyway so I might as well accept it and yes even embrace it. Most of my life I have been very lucky in that I had bosses that would put up with me missing three weeks or a month of work three times a year. Just no way I could go to work during those periods, I couldn't even get out of bed. The good boss I had and who put up with it closed up shop and in the real world employers can't put up with it and I couldn't hang. I can't blame the employers. If you keep missing work three weeks in a row at different times they can't deal with that. And then in the last five years the depressions have gotten worse and worse. 6 months long and very deep suicidal depressions. How can I work. Not much hope for you I know. I gave up all hope for along time. Then one day I snapped out of it and started regaining hope and started trying harder to treat it. I did go into another real long one starting last Oct. but now I am coming out of it again.

I finally found a set of meds that is working very well. So it does change and you can find things that work. I have hope for the future again and am looking forward to some small goals finally. Baby steps but sure progress for me lately.

[jrae]

man, it must be nice to actually come out of a depression episode or phase. I don't get that! I've been in the same hole for at least seven years now. And yeah, there are many days that I just want to sleep. Just be glad that you even still have a life- work/job, friends, people to talk to and are around you... And I know all too well the 'pretending' thing, as that is what got me through school. Then, there just came a point where I couldn't anymore and didn't care enough to. That was years ago! So all I can really say is this- just keep fighting the 'battle' while you still can. Otherwise, you'll end up where I am - been fighting so long and hard that there is no longer any fight left in me...