[northbelle]

Hello all,

And thank you for reading me. I have had depression my whole life. The toll it has taken has been huge. This past year I lost my home and job and ended up HOMELESS. Before that I had worked for a organization that HELPED homeless..what a revelation to find myself on the other side. I have a place to stay now thank god..but I seem unable to motivate myself to make any progress with moving forward..I don't HAVE and goals...I can't think of what I want to do with my life. I really just want to FEEL BETTER. I just started Effexor 3 days ago...my symptoms are the usual I guess..want to just lay in bed all the time..suicidal thinking...hopelessness..dread..I have not felt pleasure in so long I forget what its like. I go to a lot of AA meetings and hear people refer to this as self pity?? Then I feel so selfish but it does not FEEL like self pity. NO energy ...fear when I have to leave and ride the bus to town. I am pretty isolate out in the woods in Alaska and the last few days I could not force myself to walk to the bus stop. Its a mile to the road and usually I do force myself . I don't even know where I am going anyways...no direction..no income..I need a job but I hardly feel employable. getting dressed is overwhelming! AND I loather my appearance ...I do not like myself at all and do not know where to start.

You seem like a awesome bunch here and I have been reading here a lot. So I am stepping out and posting. Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and I look forward to being able to reply to others posts here!

Northbelle

Hi Northbelle,
I haven't been up to helping anyone here for quite a while, if much at all. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are in the homeless situation, and a lifetime of depression, I can relate to that. Good for you to step out now and post, it will make you feel better sometimes just to let your own story of your life flow out of you. Sometimes it takes a while to get somewhere, but I like just posting my thoughts, even if it feels into the air, it takes time to find what you are looking for.
Sometimes depression feels to me like I'm feeling sorry for myself too much. I do think it would help me if I could get myself off of my mind....it's just so hard to step out and do something to help someone else, when I'm ready to give up at times.
I have found that there are very awesome helpful people here, and just reading and knowing that I'm not alone in how I suffer has been very helpful. I hope you feel better just letting your feelings out.
give the Effexor some time, I know it's hard to wait when you are feeling so hopeless and suicidal. We care here. hugs. And I think going to aa meetings is much better than isolating, even if it's very hard to get on that bus. take care, keep posting

[bluetriangle]

Originally Posted by northbelle

Hello all,

And thank you for reading me. I have had depression my whole life. The toll it has taken has been huge. This past year I lost my home and job and ended up HOMELESS. Before that I had worked for a organization that HELPED homeless..what a revelation to find myself on the other side. I have a place to stay now thank god..but I seem unable to motivate myself to make any progress with moving forward..I don't HAVE and goals...I can't think of what I want to do with my life. I really just want to FEEL BETTER. I just started Effexor 3 days ago...my symptoms are the usual I guess..want to just lay in bed all the time..suicidal thinking...hopelessness..dread..I have not felt pleasure in so long I forget what its like. I go to a lot of AA meetings and hear people refer to this as self pity?? Then I feel so selfish but it does not FEEL like self pity. NO energy ...fear when I have to leave and ride the bus to town. I am pretty isolate out in the woods in Alaska and the last few days I could not force myself to walk to the bus stop. Its a mile to the road and usually I do force myself . I don't even know where I am going anyways...no direction..no income..I need a job but I hardly feel employable. getting dressed is overwhelming! AND I loather my appearance ...I do not like myself at all and do not know where to start.

You seem like a awesome bunch here and I have been reading here a lot. So I am stepping out and posting. Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and I look forward to being able to reply to others posts here!

Northbelle

Hi… I'm sorry to hear what a very tough time you're having. If it's any help, know that you're not alone. And know that with therapy and medication there can come a day (hopefully soon!) when you'll wake up in the morning and think "hey, I actually feel a bit like myself." Here's to hoping that day comes for you very soon. Hang in there!

[Yoda]

Sounds like you're in a tough spot right now. I hope the new med will work. You don't always walk the mile but on the days that you do that is a big accomplishment. I can't even motivate myself to do a daily treadmill in a warm environment so walking a mile in Alaska is a big deal, I think.

Welcome to PC. I also struggle with accomplishing tasks.

[sparkles1]

I totally understand needing motivation. I moved in February into a one bedroom apt. and still have a lot to unpack. It's livable but still have not completely unpacked the kitchen or knick knacks. Don't have the energy. Can barely do what I have to do. Effexor does take awhile to work, unfortunately. But I have had great success with it. Glad you put yourself out there. Can really relate to your issues. Have had depression all my life.

[Altered Moment]

I totally relate and my depression is just like yours. It is great that you are going to AA meetings, keep going. It should help you to get out and be around people. I am impressed you can force your self to do it. And those people that tell you to just get off the pity pot or just work the steps on your depression and all of that ignore them. They are ignorant about mental illness. Find people in AA who also suffer from depression. Trust me there are plenty. I have been in AA for many years and had to fight against those ignorant comments a lot. They really piss me off because those people don't have a clue and should keep their mouths shut. I found a lot of people in AA who also had depression and we supported eachother. Sometimes I would purposely talk about my depression in a meeting to educate people but it is risky because you have to deal with those comments.

Hopefully the effexor kicks in soon. It does take awhile. Talking to people in AA who understand and won't judge you will help. The steps help to a certain degree like a form of therapy. I worked the steps many times applying it to my depression. I can't say it didn't help me overall it did. But it didn't cure my depression like some think it will.

Alot depends on what is causing your depression. There are a lot of causes. Like with me it is deeply genetic and biological also with environmental factors. So the steps and therapy don't help me that much. But I keep trying. If your depression is totally environmental, like child hood issues or traumatic events in you life then the fourth and fifth steps may very well help with it. Keep working on those underlying causes and it may cure or at least lift the depression. Usually with us not cured. Meds and therapy is the best approach and if you can find the right people in AA it can be used for therapy. I think the steps are very much like therapy and a good sponsor who understands dual diagnosis can be like a therapist. Plus they have the spiritual aspect. Unfortunately for me it is so ingrained in me biologically in didn't have much effect on the depression. It kept me sober though and helped me overall as a person which helped me accept and deal with my depression better. Good luck.

Hi northbelle, we seem to have a lot in common. I can relate to the suicidal thoughts, hopeless, dread and fear about leaving the house. I, too, am for the most part isolated in the woods. I do make it to AA meetings occasionally, but as Zinco said, it doesn't help my depression at all. I don't share much at meetings because I don't feel the steps will help me. I've been clean and sober for more than 3 years now, but the Program is just not helping me out. I mainly go to meetings to get out of the house and be around people a bit. Here's hoping things turn around for both of us soon.

By the way, please fight the urge to stay in bed. I'm no one to talk, really. I'm only out of bed between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., kind of like a job. I won't lie in bed during the day, although it's tempting.

[Perna]

I would just hang on to the wanting to feel better and hoping the Effexor helps soon. I would make a "pyramid" of goals; start with self-care on the bottom -- bathing, working on good sleeping habits, doing a little reading/study online, maybe going somewhere to socialize a bit or seeing if you can find a place to stay that has more chances of socialization or isn't so isolated. I am glad summer is coming so it might be a bit easier for you in a couple/three months when you might be feeling physially better than you do now. I'd use the reading/study online to find something slightly interesting for my next level or my interactions with others. Do you have any connections with the people you use to work with? Are there any local mental health, job seeker, or food/shelter support groups you can join or volunteer for, re-establish connections maybe? You know how good it can feel to help others, you can still do that with what knowledge you have from working in the field, just not get paid for it right this minute while you are healing?

Start to build yourself "stairs" to help you climb out of your depression and difficulties; they can require "footers" first if outdoors, so it is okay to be below level to start :-)

[northbelle]

wow,
you guys really DO understand!!. Thank you all for your great responses. It does just help to be understood !! I did get really lucky and got a spot in a transitional house for women that just opened up. It is so far off the main road BUT it is like a oasis from the insanity of the streets . I cannot tell you the horror of ending up homeless on the streets in January. I stayed in a shelter one night and it was unbearable..Intoxicated people sleeping on mats all over the floor. I am NOT saying I am any BETTER than any one of them. But having never been homeless and being sober I was so humiliated to be there. Very traumatic. I left and was fully ready to freeze in a snow bank before I would go back there...then a miracle happened and I found the place I am at now. I will have a chance to move here shortly so I am just doing this one day at a time right now..trying anyway.
I like the idea about NOT laying in bed during the day.. Going to try that!
Thank god it is not sub zero anymore. This past winter almost did me in. I had major spinal surgery where I had 3 discs replace in December and ended up homeless a week later!.My neck was all stitched up like frankenstien. So it made recovery difficult being on the streets. I have filed for SSDI for the second time now. They should be letting me know their decision any day now. Has anyone else been successful getting disability?? The struggle to support myself the past years has been rough ...
Thank you all for the encouragement about getting out . I DO push myself every day to go .
Well going to go shower and hit the road..Thank you again. You are all SO HELPFUL!!

Northbelle

[northbelle]

Dang I wrote a long post here and it went into cyber space...
Thank you all for your replies...Really comforting to read your posts. So I am up and showered and going to get on a bus to the meeting. I have no income right now and feel like I SHOULD be working but I just don't feel like I am there yet. I filed for SSDI and they are in the process of making a decision right now. I am TRYING to have hope it will come through. It is my second time filing a claim. In December I had major spinal surgery where they replaced 3 discs in my spine. I ended up homeless on the streets 10 days after surgery. It was definitely a low in my life. My neck was all stitched up and I looked like Frankenstein. I stayed at a shelter one night and it was insane. Intoxicated people laying on mats all over the floor. I slept there one night and after that was fully prepared to sleep in a snowbank. Luckily some higher power got me through and I ended up at the house I am at now. It saved my life and I am grateful. Its just so inaccessible. I will have a chance here shortly to move into town . It is kind of a crazy spot to live in but at least I will be in town. It is like a oasis out here in the woods though. For today I am OK..I am up and ready to head out to the meeting and them I might go to the library and just sit and read for awhile..I do believe despite my horrible winter I am going to be OK somehow,,
Thank you for the suggestions. Some really good ones. Especially regarding AA. I do find so many that think the steps can cure everything..and it just has not been so for me. I WILL seek out others who understand. Major depression has caused me to withdraw from society . I have no self confidence right now and a lot of fear. Fear because I KNOW what can happen and what it is like to be out there homeless. Thank god I am not today and I made it through.
Also really like the idea of NOT laying in bed during certain hours..going to try that one..I can lay down . I am hopeful the Effexor will take effect eventually. My depression is without a doubt biological..always been there although I am sure life events play a role as well..
Ok well I HOPE this posts to the board! You all have been a inspiration to me today and it makes my day MUCH BETTER TO COME HERE AND READ..your heartfelt responses!!

Love '
Northbelle