[paynful]

I don't know if it's the changing of the season (SAD diminishing?), or if it's because I have several weeks of overwhelming, stressful events I had to get through and now I'm caving in on myself to recoup... but I've gone blank.

It's been like this for almost 2 weeks now.

I'm not in overwhelming pain from my depression, and for some reason, it doesn't feel like I'm zombie-numb in obliviousness.

I have some sense of self-awareness, and while I'm still extremely fatigued, I have a restlessness that I can't escape. It's not a physical energy, but an internal, mental relestness, I guess. I'm afraid to escape it, though. It's the most energy I've felt in ages. According to some diagnostic nonsense from a doctor, it's most likely part of a Generalize Anxiety Disorder.

I'm restless, but stuck... in my blankness. I want to be doing something with myself so that I can get away from this trapped, stagnant feeling, but ...I have no idea what, and still lack any form of motivation other than I can't stand how I'm feeling right now. I feel pathetic and lost. I know that no one can help me but me, but I get don't know how to start and where... or if I can force myself out of it.

Does anyone have a suggestion??

I kind of ...made a huge mistake concerning getting healthcare coverage. I started the process, but got too lost in my darkness to follow through. Now... going to the doctors seems like... an impossibility. I started taking a daily viatmin and Omega-3s. I don't know how to tell a difference... other than I WANT to change.. desperately. The desperate part seems dangerous, though.

The only possible answer I can see is moving to a place where I can take care of myself with no repercussions, but again that takes a fortitude that I can't find right now. I'm lost in myself... in my void of blankness, and I want OUT before I lose hope.

[regretful]

This, for me, explains nearly perfectly the conundrum of depression. There is such a want to change, and the destination is a known entity; but how to get there is anybody's guess. I wish you well on the journey. I want out of this darkness too - I'd love to have that cold hand of death off of my shoulder...but there it remains...

Hi Paynful: I'm so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I wish I had a great answer for you. When I'm in this type of state, I typically just make myself do something, preferably something physically demanding or something that I very much want to do but have been unable to get started. Sometimes it even makes me angry that I have to go & do whatever the thing is I'm forcing myself to do. But usually, if I can accomplish this one thing, it's enough to get me going again at least at some minimal level. I know how difficult this can be.

[Curupira]

Sorry you are in a rough spot. When I get like that I go into autopilot mode. I make lists of what I need to do and then follow those steps. It is not great but it helps me not wreck my life before I start feeling again