Trying to work through things

Ok, SO in the last few years I have really tried to work through things. The thing is the more I think about a situation the angrier and angrier I get.

From Freshman year of HS till two years into college I dated a guy. We were best friends and did everything together. I had a nice group of friends that we would hang out with. Then one day in May he dumped me out of the blue.

I knew the conversation was going to go bad when he started "where do you think our relationship is going?" Well only two ways from that statement but the look in his eyes told me it wasn't going to be ending well. We tried to stay friends but I needed to cut him out of my life. I had been recently diagnosed with depression (as in the exact day he dumped me) and my longing for him and I to get back together made it impossible to move forward.

So I started meeting new friends. I brought some of my old friends with me to meet the new group I was hanging out with. Everyone was super nice and the 6 girls got really close. We started hanging out a lot and I thought "wow, I have met some really cool life long friends." In that year I also met the man that would eventually become my husband. We would all hang out until I went off to college for a year.

During that year all of the girls started to really hang out with my ex. Sure he was a nice guy but did I really need to hear about how he hit on every single one of them and the one I thought was my closest friend confessed she really wanted to date him. I felt betrayed and alone. When I came home they were still hanging out with him but eventually that wore off. I should have know then that "friends" like that couldn't be trusted.

We stayed friend for many years. Then one day it stopped. I had said something to one of the group that upset her and instead of talking to me about it she cut me off completely. No word as to why. None of the other girls would say anything either. It went on for 6 months and I went deeper and deeper into depression. If it wasn't for my husband and son I wouldn't have survived the hell that I felt in just being cut off like that.

I found out that the girl I was closest too was pregnant and before all of this I had been crocheting her an afghan so I finished it up to give to her as a baby gift. I drove it to her house one day and finally got the courage to knock on the door. It was the most uncomfortable conversation ever. She said that she had cut me off so completely because she though I was stalking her and that I had hurt her really bad with one comment. I wasn't stalking her. I was concerned that one of my closest friends wasn't talking with me. She told me that she felt I was buying her love. WTH She was the one who asked me to make her the stupid blanket and we were so close that when I saw things that reminded me of her I would pick them up. I never expected anything in return just thought she would like them. She did the same for me. In the end she said that the reason all the girls stopped talking to me was because I wasn't a size 6. That statement right there haunts me. I want to cry every day I think about it. I hate them all of that comment yet I can't get over the sincere longing to have my friends back.

So here i am many years later and for whatever reason I will not let people get close. I don't want to put myself out there for friends but I miss having them so much. I cry still once every six months missing those times when ti was so easy to laugh with them. I mess up every friendship I ever attempt to create.

Ok, I just needed to get that all out. Sorry it was long and probably rambly but I needed to get it out of my head. Hopefully I can make it another 6 months before I have another break down.

Sorry to hear that you went through all of that. It seems like these bad experiences were with some close-minded girls from high school and one guy who broke up with you. There are many, many other people who are not like that. People like your husband and child who love you. There have been many times when I have felt betrayed by my closest friends, especially after I disclosed my bipolar disorder diagnosis to them. Yes, those people left my life. So what? It was good riddance, ultimately. I have made new friends. You too will find wonderful people who will stand by you through the worst of times.

I know I better off without these shallow people in my life. My head gets it. But I can't help but miss that whole thing.

I have tried to make new friends. And I think I verbally vomit out my whole life so I will scare them off and not really get close to them or they don't want to get close to me. Also if they know everything about me upfront then they can't hurt me with it later. I think that's it anyway.

I'm sorry.

Don't give up on everyone else because some people were young and stupid.

This is the good part about getting older, you have a chance to grow up and make better choices about a lot of things, including friends, and with hope, so do they. Letting go of past pain is hard sometimes, but when you do, you will have room again for good things and people to come into your life.
And puleeze! basing a friendship on your clothing size? Ridiculous mean girls.

You sound like a lovely and caring friend. Don't forget that! It is who you are and any new friends will be so happy you are in their life.

Wishing you all the best ~

P.S. Check the verbal vomit at the door. No more over sharing! Another thing that you learn with practice. Everyone does not need to know everything about everything! You can keep some things private. It is another part of growing up.