[Stronger]

Depression has been a dear friend of mine for years. Specifically MDD. And I have this nasty habit of getting so depressed that I start thinking the bad thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to kill myself.
Those thoughts that have caused two of my friends to leave this earth before their time.

Aaahhhhh! This pit of sadness is so much more unbearable than simple words can describe.
I already had a major depressive episode 4 months ago so I can't go back to the hospital so soon. And I can't miss any school right now because I need to graduate. I promised myself I would graduate. And besides, what kind of a dweeb drops out with only one month left? If I leave now, even just to go to the hospital, then I won't be able to graduate.

This horrific pit of depression is sucking the life out of me. Literally.
I just, don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there is no way out.

[LaborIntensive]

I eat when depression comes on and then I force myself to find things to do even while depressed to help me not focus on it.

I wish I had something I could suggest, Stronger. But I feel the same way... like there's no way out. But, hopefully, there is one & you can find it. I will hold a good thought for you...

[Curupira]

I am sorry you feel this way. When things get bad for me I focus on what needs to be done now. Sometimes that is minute by minute and sometimes I can look days into the future. I always keep a day planner when things get bad. I write everything I need to do down and then I cross each item off as I complete it.

It helps me make the world feel less overwhelming. Getting through my day can feel overwhelming, but if I break it down into small tasks; get out of bed, brush teeth, read x number of pages. At the end of the day I look at my planner and realize how much I acomplished in spite of that little bastard in the back of my head telling me I'm a failure.

[Idiot17]

(((((stronger)))))
Definitely relatable. Hang in there and the tide will change.

[A.Lone]

I have often felt that ending life would be so much easier than living it. But I'm afraid of the ways I know of doing it (or the what life would be like afterwards if I screwed up in making a mistake and actually lived). Plus I would hate the guilt and pain of family and the few friends I have if I succeeded. I wouldn't want them thinking they should/could have done this or that to prevent it, even though they wouldn't have been able to stop me.

Stronger, if you can just stick it out another month and make it through finals, perhaps at that time you could go into the hospital if you're still having suicidal thoughts. Either that or call your pdoc now, if you have one, and explain the rut you're in. Good luck with everything.

[Stronger]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Stronger, if you can just stick it out another month and make it through finals, perhaps at that time you could go into the hospital if you're still having suicidal thoughts. Either that or call your pdoc now, if you have one, and explain the rut you're in. Good luck with everything.

Thanks
When I told my t, he said that it was encouraging to him that I was so determined to graduate. We discussed some of my options and decided to go with moving my appt with my pdoc to be sooner. But when I called I was only able to get an appt 3 days earlier than my previously scheduled one. And that's still two weeks away! Which is frustrating, but what else can I really do?