[16216398]

So, my dad is an assistant youth leader. He adors that youth group. He makes them top priority. Over his own kids and all. He always talks about how important it Is to have a dad, so hes a "dad" to the youth kids... Not realizing that hes slowly erasing himself from my heart. Just the sound of his voice kills me, something inside boils whenever he opens his mouth. I cant stand the youth group because of him. Im forced to go, all I do is sit in the corner and literally say nothing unless spoken to. He always says that girls that grow up without a father figure, end up messed up... Im already messed up thanks to him.

[Altered Moment]

My sister could relate. She had three brothers and my dad was totally wrapped up in our hockey. She really felt left out.

Can you try talking to him about it in a non attack way? Stick to I statements.....I feel this way when...

He probably doesn't know what he is doing. You deserve to stand up and get your needs met.

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[16216398]

Yeah :/ I could try and approach him that way.

[Altered Moment]

It would be fair to him and you to handle it that way. I am sure he doesn't want to hurt you.

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[16216398]

I dont even know with him anymore.

Thanks!!

[roads]

I was an only child, but when kids I knew from school ran away from home they all went to my house. Even the kids I didn't particularly like, liked my parents.

This is mostly in the 50s in the South and my father especially believed that they had to make time for these children. A couple of night a week I shared home, bed, etc with someone else while my parents work things out with some other parents. There wasn't any Family Services then. My parents had an amazing knack to do social work, I realize looking back--but I hugely resented always coming in last back then. I fought with my folks about it.

A couple decades later, with some adult life experience (including teaching, dealing with the results of poor parenting) I wished folks like my parents were still around. Family Services wasn't helping much. The next chance I got, I had a long talk with my mom and dad.

My dad was a disabled vet and my mom did only volunteer work, so we didn't have a lot. I had a pretty good childhood anyway. One set of grandparents lived a few blocks away & did their best to spoil me. I went to excellent schools & with a few exceptions had great teachers.

When I talked (as an adult) to my parents about how much I had resented being set aside as a child for their attention to other children with needs, my mom denied I'd ever gone without. My dad felt badly, said I was so independent he never gave me a thought. We discussed it more and I changed point of view to tell them that I was seeing now how much it meant for children to have an adult available to them in their lives. Even my mom gave up denying that she'd often left me to make do as best I could.

16216398, do you think it would help your relationship to acknowledge the good your father does through his youth group work, then point out that he really IS your dad. Ask to work on that relationship, because all you feel is the youth group relationship.

Do you have sibling? How do they feel? If you have a hard time talking with your dad about this, maybe you could write him a letter.

Building the daughter-dad relationship turned out to be vital after my mother died and I discovered my dad was suffering from Alzheimer's. I cared for him (with help) at home for several years until his death, and all the work we'd done on our relationship over the years made this final time possible for me to deal with this crisis in the way I wanted to, without losing my mind totally.

The work we do--to heal ourselves, our relationships, disorders, addictions, etc--always pays us back in big way over and over later on in life.

Take care.
Roads

[Fuzzybear]