[mulan]

I'm going through a different phase in my live.
I can say I'm better which is ok. I often search inside myself the little details that can prove me that I'm doing better, I have two.
Having fun and energy to play and laugh with little kids, and don't lose the ability to love them in the meantime. And I feel it's easier to talk. I mean, I don't want to get much more of those days when others talk to you and not a single word come out of your brain. Just a smile in the face. Indeed, some of these days I notice that my brain is getting free, in teasing and saying jokes and not feeling fake and forced while doing it.
But there's so much in the reverse. Always the same, but always painful. During this time I had been focused my search on how my memory evolves. But I don't know, I still get very confused about everything, like I can't know which day it is, what I did today...and so on. And that thing everybody does, spontaneausly charing things, I still don't do that too much.
It's a little sad, that everyday I get earlier to the class and I sit somewhere in the amphitheater, those sits around me will be un-occupied. Classmates enter the room, everybody is sitting next to somebody else, but there's this row of chairs that will be empty. It hurst. I know I could just stand up and go to someone else, but it isn't as simple as it looks, not in my mind. Not in the mind of that person who makes herself entering the student's room, where everybody is, being next to them some seconds and imediatly leave. Because, it's me chosing people, it's me going to them without knowing if they want me there. It's me trying to interact with people that are having those private conversations and I'm the extra one, who is comenting or just leastening about something that is not my busyness.
I can't get out of this state of depersonalization-like. I can't hold those good feelings about other people when they get out of my sight. I can't miss anyone and anything, and I can say the same thing about loving someone or something. "Out of sight, out of heart". I can't be concerned about life, just let it go on. Like if life could take care of itself. I'm a curious person who likes to learn new things, I want to graduate and have a solid knowlegde in the area I'm studying, but even so, I get home, I sit in my desk, and I think: tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, while I should be worry about the time I have left to finish what I have to do.

[Clara22]

Hi Mulan,
It is disheartening that this is happening to you, was it the same when you were a child, or it started when you started medical school?

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by mulan

I'm the extra one...

Social isolation hurts.

[Clara22]

Sorry, Mulan, I asked that question above from nothing. I did it because you have told us something about a confusion state, and I was wondering if something specific was happening to you now.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Sorry, Mulan, I asked that question above from nothing. I did it because you have told us something about a confusion state, and I was wondering if something specific was happening to you now.

Don't be sorry, I don't mind you ask me that question.
I was allways very shy. But I managed to had my own group of friends, few but enough. But after high school, when I was in a class in which I didn't know anyone and they all knew each other, things became worst. Still I had a group of no close friends in high school. After 4 years in University, no group, just acquintences I sometimes chat with. But in the end, they go out together and anyone bothers to ask me to go with.

[Clara22]

Sorry for one more question: do you have somebody to go out together with, or you are by yourself these days?

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Sorry for one more question: do you have somebody to go out together with, or you are by yourself these days?

I do have my syblings and our room mate. They push me to do things with them. But almost all night outs I had were with my sister and her friends, which I am not friend with. This is me.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( mulan ))))))))

[Clara22]

Thanks a lot for answering! Apart from medicine, do you have a hobby or another activity you like, for example an NGO, Church, playing guitar, etc? I am asking this because when I was younger I found this group I felt more comfortable with. I did not go out, and do the regular things (dancing, etc)

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Thanks a lot for answering! Apart from medicine, do you have a hobby or another activity you like, for example an NGO, Church, playing guitar, etc? I am asking this because when I was younger I found this group I felt more comfortable with. I did not go out, and do the regular things (dancing, etc)

. The real problem is not getting a group were I would fit. I'm just one of those people no one hates (I think so) or either like. I'm the person, and I know wherever group I would try to be, I would never be an important part of it. I have many experiences with that, I just tend to go unnoticed and being the one perceived as a quiet person. I'm in a state that I can't create a solid intimate relation with anybody else. I know my many reasons.
What does hurt is being confronted all the time with the reality that I am disposable.